Love is painful. Heartbreak sucks.

Let me tell you something that I have recently learned first hand. I am not the first person to learn this lesson. I will not be the last person. I’m hoping that it is the last time that I feel like this, but in reality, I imagine that I have many more lessons to learn in this area. My discovery? Love is painful. Heartbreak sucks.

No surprises, right? You already knew that. I suppose I did, too, but I am feeling things on a level that I, personally, have never experienced before. I wish I could say that I resented the whole thing so much that I just want to become a hermit and that crazy cat lady in a house out in the country where everyone is too scared to visit. However, I can’t stand my one cat most days that I couldn’t imagine having more than her. And I enjoy my loved ones company too much to shut myself away from the world. So, since that is out, I suppose I have to be open to experiencing this hell again. Let me tell you, though, I am going to be much more cautious & far more aware.

I’m not going to go into the details of who this man is. Those close to me know how much I valued the relationship and that I hoped to include him in my future.  Those that know me even just a little bit know how significant it is for me to make such a serious statement about future plans... with a boy... and a family. But that was me. I could picture this relationship with hearts & flowers and shit. And I am NOT the hearts & flowers kinda girl... except it sort of seems that I am. I just have to find a person that brings that out of me. At any rate, I could see myself creating a family with him. I could see myself accomplishing the biggest goal on my bucket list: fall in love & become a mother. Let me tell you, having that vision in my mind and then having that vision disappear in a cloud of smoke is devastating. It is absolutely heart-wrenching pain. 

For a moment in time, he & I shared something very beautiful. I refuse to write a hate piece, even though there are days where I feel that route would be far easier. We created a vision together about our future. While the vision existed, it was hazy and so far in the distance that we had to squint to see it. While squinting, it was easy for even a light breeze to blow leaves in our line of vision and blur the image even more. And let’s be real, a “light breeze” in Kansas is the equivalent of tornadic activity. So while we knew what the vision should be, it was incredibly difficult to keep it clear and within sight. 

He & I talked many times about how timing played such a huge role in our relationship. He is currently experiencing a lot of stress in his life with work and completion of a Master’s program. I can relate to that hell. I just finished my own version not too terribly long ago. Not only was he experiencing the stress of life in general, he was experiencing pressure and stress from me to give more than he was equipped to give at this moment in time. The long distance relationship, something new to both of us, was far more difficult than I could ever really relay in a single post. Maybe someday I’ll attempt to attack that subject, but probably not. While timing didn’t work, overall, for he & I... He showed up in my life at the perfect time. I could not have asked for better timing in relation to what I was experiencing in my life. He appeared in a non-traditional manner and, without intention, pulled out a side of me that I had absolutely no idea existed. I spent a lot of years hoping that it existed somewhere deep down, but I had never seen any trace of it actually manifest itself, so it was exciting to experience these new things. I honestly didn’t know what to do with it all. It was overwhelming to me, and in turn, became overwhelming to him because I was so unsure about what all of these new things were. On the one hand, it brought out some amazing things, but with those new things came new insecurities. I really made him work so hard for something that I imagine should be much easier.

He is, quite genuinely, a beautiful human being. I hate that our story won’t have the ending we pictured for a moment in time, but I know that I will become stronger and a better person because of my experience with him. I hope that he can say the same from his perspective. 

Don’t get me wrong, he was not a perfect person either. I’m not trying to create an image that he is and he would probably be the first person to agree with me. I know that I gave 110% to our relationship and I gave him the very best that I had to give (and then I gave a little more). I knew his circumstances wouldn’t allow him to give everything he had, so I was willing to carry the weight for awhile... Like Samwise carrying Frodo up the mountain. I wanted to believe that it would, temporarily, be enough. I wish that it had been, but I will learn from this and move forward.

The decision to separate was initiated by him, but there were plenty of indications that it was coming. I wanted to believe that “all you need is love” and that it would carry us throw the storms so we could celebrate the rainbows. And perhaps that is still relevant and true. Maybe love is all you need at the end of the day, but that love encompasses many different pieces and those pieces are hard work. I was confident in my love for this man. I wouldn’t have introduced him to some of the most important people in my life (both living and passed on) if I didn’t love him in the best way that I could. I’m learning to adjust the shape and vision of what my love looks like, but I believe that I will always have love for him. He will always have a place in my heart. And I think, in time, we’ll become friends. That image, right now, is hard to establish. The separation is too fresh in my mind that the lines between friendship and partnership are really confusing. I know what the expectations are and I understand the changes that need to come (and will eventually come easily). My head and my heart seem to be two very different entities right now and neither one of them wants to relinquish their claims. I’m working on getting them to communicate in a healthier manner so that they can work together rather than push and pull against each other. It’s exhausting. 

Love is painful. It’s painful, but it is also so incredibly rewarding and amazing. To share passion and excitement with another person is an unbelievably euphoric feeling. To connect beyond the surface level is something that I could never regret. Sure it was painful, but it was only painful (for me) because I am losing someone I valued so deeply. How lucky am I that I got to experience that connection? How lucky am I that I could tell him I loved him and mean it with every fiber of my being? I believe that I am absolutely a very lucky lady to have something to be so hurt about. Do I want to hurt? Hell no. But with each step, each forced smile, each text with a friend... the pain will go away. And what will remain is the loving feelings I have for him.

I am hoping that writing this will allow me a little reprieve from the immense amount of heartbreak I’m feeling at the moment. I experience this intense rollercoaster of emotions that vary on a day to day basis. I’m not a fan of rollercoasters. I typically close my eyes and hope that I don’t vomit. It’s actually pretty relevant to what I’m experiencing right now. I want to close my eyes and hide from the inevitable pits and peaks of the heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean they won’t still be there. If I keep my eyes open, I can see what’s coming. I can prepare myself for the next fall, inevitable rise, and eventual leveling out. Some days, I feel sick to my stomach when I consider a future without him in it, but I have a good system in place for getting through that. I have some killer friends and family on my side. I have my journals. And I have a plan in place to get started with my own individual future. 

I am not 100% sure why I’m choosing to publish this. Honestly, my private life is something I try not to broadcast. That said, I remember how amazing it felt to spend that month of August last year purging my thoughts and being vulnerable with anyone who chooses to read this blog. That feeling of vulnerability and being so honest with myself is what will help me push publish. I don’t write this to gain any sympathy from anyone, so please don’t make it about that. I just thought I’d write it with the slim chance that maybe someone could read it and feel comforted or affected by what I’m saying & what I have experienced.

It was far easier to talk shit and hate on the person that didn’t return my calls or my feelings when I was in my younger years, but I don’t want to be that person. I’m not going to be that person. I loved this man and I will never be ashamed of that. I don’t want to spend time and energy putting anger and hate into the world... it has far more of that than it needs already. Besides that, having anger and hate towards him would do absolutely nothing to him. It would only affect me and what is the purpose of doing that to myself? No thank you. I choose happiness and I choose to respect what he and I had. I choose to put out gratitude for our experience. That gratitude may manifest itself as tears and frustration some days, but I believe that it will eventually become easy and any emotions I feel surrounding this relationship will be positive ones.

So, yes... Love is painful. Heartbreak sucks. But if you choose to allow those feelings to envelope you and grow and learn from them, it can become such a profound thing. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I will get there. And then, I will open myself up to the possibility of love (and the potential to be hurt) again. Because it’s worth it. I am worth it.

Cheers to 2018!

 

                   

2017 has been a pretty decent year overall. As is life, it hasn't been perfect, of course, but I think that'd be pretty boring.

I decided to do an entry to bring in the year because I would like to be a little more involved with my blog throughout 2018. Being honest and vulnerable through the month of August was one of the best things I have done. I have taken the words I wrote and applied them in my life and that vulnerability also challenged me to be vulnerable outside the safety of the blog. It's been absolutely incredible.

I am convinced that 2018 is going to be a very big year for me. I have many things in the works and I have created a notebook dedicated solely to the things I want/need to accomplish in 2018. Yes, I'm a person that makes a list of resolutions and goals for myself, but a lot of these things are more "grown up" in nature. Like, I need to complete my will. Turns out, when you have things worth losing, it's important to decide where those things should go if life throws you a hard curve. I also need to get a new roof on my house and hopefully sell that thing so I can begin closing the chapter on my Barber County living. No disrespect, but it's time for me to move on.

I am making a trip in January that could change the course of my life, literally. I am not going to write about that trip yet. I want to see how it goes for myself and then I will dedicate an entry to that piece of my journey. 

In regards to my blogging endeavors, I am not going to say "once a month" or "once a week." I'm going to say whenever I feel like I need to put words to how I am feeling. I tend to process things so much better when I can write about it, you can ask all the journals from my youth. It's my healing process and the fact that I am willing to share with others is a really big deal to me and it demonstrates to me that I have made significant progress in actually using this method as a healthy coping skill. 

One thing I want to continue to accomplish this year is choosing myself. My happiness is more important than making the situations and people around me happy. That does not mean that I want things around me to be in misery, but I won't dwell on those circumstances or make those problems my problems. I have done that too much in my life and it's exhausting, so I'm choosing me. Sometimes, that may mean that I am putting my own happiness over family or friends. I know that those that love me will understand when I choose me and make my happiness my priority.

        

Let's see... What other things of importance did I note? On the same note of my happiness, I suppose, I want to try to do better at maintaining contact with those that are important to me and those that put effort out for our relationships. The things and people that contribute to my happiness deserve additional effort and time from me, too. Toxicity, of whatever label (person, place, thing), will no longer have power over me. I won't allow negativity to sit with me like I have in the past. I have made great strides in this already, but I want to continue to work on it in 2018 and make this the year of positivity and continued change.

I know most resolution lists have something about losing weight or whatever. I lost more than 50 pounds in the 2017 calendar year. It was something I worked very hard for and to maintain. In 2018, I just want to continue my effort to be healthier, which will add to the happiness I have already spoken about in this entry. I hope a little more weight loss comes with it, but it's not a focus on the numbers for me. It's about health. I have no doubt that I have added substance (and even length) to my life by changing so many of my bad habits in 2017. I successfully made it the entire year without Starbucks! I would just like to note that, haha! It was a big thing for me!! So continued health is what I strive for... Not for perfection... Health.

I won't elaborate too far on this next piece yet either because it's all still being figured out, but I'll note it so that it helps hold me accountable. 2018 looks to be the year that I get to move... And when I say "move," I mean far away! Where and when depends on how some of the other puzzle pieces fall into place (or not). My overall goal, however, is to be gone from Barber County, Kansas, by the end of the summer of 2018. Crossing my fingers! 

I could write about job hopes, etc., but I think I'll save that for another entry when those pieces begin getting put together. Now that my clinical hours are finally complete, I can attempt the national exam before my big move becomes official. That's more of a piece of my "to do" list than it is a resolution for the year, but I'll include it because it could be important. I'll update that progress in future entries.

To close out this little entry, I am going to end with my final goal for 2018. It sort of includes everything that has already been mentioned above, so it'll be a nice way to seal it up with a bow. I want to be more spontaneous in 2018. I want to think less and do more! That may mean booking a solo dive trip somewhere in this world. That may also mean driving to Texas for a weekend to spend with my friend. It also could mean something as simple as deciding to go to Wichita for a movie just because I want to. I like organization and I appreciate a well-planned experience, but I want to take the opportunity to be present in whatever is happening in the moment throughout 2018. I want to be more mindful of my surroundings and not have to analyze every single tiny detail. Fair enough? And if it doesn't turn out to be the best (or even a positive) experience, then I want to learn from what made it negative and make adjustments in the future! 

We'll see how it goes! I hope that everyone thinks about what is important to them for the year. I hope that you all take a moment to at least make a mental note of what things you'd like to accomplish and I hope you go for those goals with all the resources you have at your disposal. I hope that 2018 is a great year for you, but embrace those pits we will all go through and learn from them, because the sun will rise and there will inevitably be a peak in your future. Go big or go home! 

Happy New Year! 

Simple Man

I have known that this was going to be the final song for the project from the beginning. It is, quite possibly One of the greatest songs ever made. I'm going to refer to most, if not all, of the lyrics throughout this post. 

Before I get started on that, though, I wanted to say thank you for following me on this part of my journey. It's been really awesome getting back to writing. It's so therapeutic for me. I've always used a journal throughout my life... Like, I started in 6th grade and kept one every day until I was 20 or 21. Now, I write whenever I feel the need.  It has always been incredibly soothing for me. I've never put as much out there as I have through this blog project, so that's certainly a HUGE step for me. To those that have followed it from the beginning, I appreciate you taking part in this chapter of my story and allowing me the space to be so vulnerable with you. It has been so much more powerful than I ever imagined and has really gotten me to work harder to practice what I preach and be a positive example.
 

                  

Seriously, this song is absolutely incredible. It encompasses everything that I want to be in this life. This journey through my blog has provided me an outlet to really process how I want my story to end and how I want others to remember me when I am no longer in the physical realm. Skynyrd's words are magic... So let's dive in.

"Mama told me when I was young, Come sit beside me, my only son and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it'll help you some sunny day. Oh take your time, don't live too fast. Troubles will come and they will pass. You'll find a woman and you'll find love. And don't forget, son, there is someone up above."

I don't even know where to start with this! There's so much power behind just a few sentences! First of all, "don't live too fast." I love that. I spoke about how quickly we move through our daily routines in many entries, but how often do we take the time and sit with our feelings or those that are around us and really and truly recognize the beauty that surrounds us and is within us? I am so incredibly guilty of wanting to live life in the fast lane, but I am working daily to remind myself to appreciate the journey and respect the process. I'm learning to be aware of how I respond to different environments and different people and to trust that my heart and my body will guide me in a way that I can grow and learn from.

"Troubles will come and they will pass..." Damn, isn't that the truth!? Storms will roll in, but the sun will rise eventually. And, as I've said before, my survival rate for the troubled days is 100% at this point and I cannot get better than that if tried! In the moment of the storm, I imagine it'll be difficult to weather and think about that sun coming up, but it's not impossible. It's hard to change a lifetime of practice in one way of thinking in a year, so my road to accomplishing this feat will be a rocky one, but it's one I'm willing to take... one step at a time.

I have to believe that I'll find love. And in my vision of this love, I imagine it to be something really amazing that will unlock some pretty legit emotions that I've never experienced before. I've said before that I can count the amount of times that I truly believe I loved someone on one hand (and I don't need more than 2 fingers). But I can't wait to experience love with all of my new knowledge and the new skills I have obtained. I'm going to be so much more aware of things and open to the ideas and influences of others. I will be more accountable for my actions and honest with my partner without fear of abandonment. I hope that what I find is my best friend, someone to share all of my vulnerabilities and every inch of my insecurities with and they still love me the same when it is all said and done. Truly, I cannot wait to experience this. It's the one thing I feel that I am missing out of life. I don't want this to define me, just enhance the me that I am finally discovering and introducing to the world.

When I think of "someone up above," I don't immediately go to religion, I'll just be honest. I'm not going to dive into my beliefs in that area, as I don't think this is an appropriate medium for that. When I think of "someone up above," I imagine the people that I loved and lost. To me, they are the "someone up above" looking after me from another realm, guiding me to find my way. I imagine my mom being at the front of that line. Regardless of where I am in this world, I believe that she is always with me. I believe that she's lovingly nudging me in directions that will enhance my journey, whether that's through situations or people put in my path to make me a better human. I believe in her. And she believes in me.

"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."

Simple. The last two years have really taught me so much about myself. I, like so many others, am a complex being with complex emotions. Simplicity is difficult to obtain when you bring that stuff into the picture. However, when you get down to it, being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple. Ultimately, I want to be a person that I love and understand. Back to what I've said from the beginning, I want to love myself. I'm working on the understanding part... I will forever be the student in my own life, learning from my surroundings.

"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul. And you can do this, if you try. All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied."

It's not about the money. Sure, you need money to pay for shit, but in the end, if that's all you are chasing, then life will be quite empty and miserable. You can't worry about what others have and what it is about their life that you want. Again, you could be missing out on some really great things right in front of you. Money cannot buy those simple qualities I mentioned in the paragraph above. That stuff is free. It's within you.

When I am gone from this world, I hope that I have written a billion times over that I was happy. I try very hard to acknowledge what I'm grateful for. I even have a journal specifically for that. When my story is over, I am going to have a ton of evidence remaining of my journey... the good, the bad, the ugly... stuff that should come with a parental advisory label... that will all be there for my loved ones to see. I realize that, and trust me, I've considered burning it on occasion, haha, but it's me. It's who I am and how I came to where I am. If I go read things that I wrote in the past, the overall negative tone is so heavy. I was so miserable. And for what? Who did it hurt? Me. No one else. I hurt myself, so I have no one to blame for that negativity but myself. I allowed various circumstances to consume me in a negative way. Ultimately, no one can make you feel anything. Situations may hurt and be painful, but that's because it's what you allow yourself to feel in that moment. No one else did that to you. Having a better understanding of this had made me better equipped for the ugly sides of life. It may be repetitive and I'm sorry, but I want to allow myself to feel all of the emotions, good and bad. But that's my choice. It's how I want to enhance who I really am. In the end, I want to say that I was perfectly satisfied with how I lived my life.

"Don't you worry, you'll find yourself. Follow your heart and nothing else."

This whole blog has been about uncovering myself and allowing myself to be exposed to the world. I'm finding me and I like what I'm discovering. It's empowering. There are still battles that go on between my head and my heart, but in the end, my heart will win out. I will follow her. If she leads me on a further path of self-discovery and that path takes me to different continents or countries, so be it. If that path ends up in a dead-end, I'm not going to be angry with my heart, because in that moment, she led me where she believed I would learn and benefit from the most. That might sound really corny and cliché, but again, this isn't for you. It's for me. And it makes sense to me.

I've also said how much of a worrier I am in previous entries. That is not an easy habit to kick. I remind myself regularly that worrying will not change the outcome, but there are times where it still creeps in and consumes me. Sometimes, though, I don't know if it's as much worry as it is anxiety or just plain nerves. I will probably always worry about some things, but I am working to avoid allowing it to consume me. Things that are outside of my control are not worthy of worry. What's meant to be will find a way, right? That's what "they" say. I'm working on accepting that.

"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."

Being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple... Sound familiar? It's worth repeating.

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. My journey hasn't been easy, but it damn sure will be worthwhile when the final chapter is written and the credits are rolling.

Again, thank you for riding this wave with me. I appreciate the love I've received through this writing project. It's been overwhelming, but in such a good way! I'm off to Arrowhead for the final preseason game!!

You Don't Own Me

Only 3 more to go (counting this one)! Are y'all sick of it yet? I suppose it's a choice you make to come here and read my words, so you can also make the choice to swipe on down the line and not read, haha! 

                                       

For those still sticking it out with me, I appreciate it! It really has been incredibly empowering and fun, to be honest. I didn't realize how much therapy this would be for me, so thank you all for being my free therapists! 

This entry is one that I wanted to focus on my independence. I spent a lot of time throughout this project focusing on what I wanted to obtain on this journey of mine, so this entry will be a tad bit different in that it is something I feel like I have mastered... Perhaps all too well.

Tell me you've seen The First Wive's Club... You know the last scene of the movie when they sing "You Don't Own Me?" That is my favorite version of this song! I love The First Wive's Club, so that's the clip I chose to include! 

"You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys."

I realize that I talked about my desire to find love and be in a committed relationship with someone who loves me just the same. That is very true. It's probably the thing I want most in this world. However, I want to be very clear that, while I desire to be in an relationship with my equal, I am fiercely independent and that is going to take awhile to kick. I will not allow someone to tell me what to do and act as if I am a piece of their property, absolutely unacceptable. I've spent a lot of years developing this version of myself and I'm very proud of her. She doesn't need someone, she would just like to share her life with someone special. And that person, when I meet him, will be someone very special.

"Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to say. And please, when I go out with you, don't put me on display."

I realize that I'll always be accountable to someone whether at work or elsewhere, but I won't be told what to do by someone who is my partner. I don't want to have to conform to someone else's expectations just to fit in. I'm fully capable of being flexible and adaptable to my environment and am more than willing to demonstrate those qualities with someone who is my equal. Are you getting the importance of equality in this situation? I will absolutely adjust my thought processes, but I expect the same adaptability from my partner.

"You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay."

A healthy amount of change is expected. You learn to grow together and become a unit together. I think something that held me back in my past is that I believed I could (or should) change someone to fit the way that I think they need to be. Who am I to make that decision? I do not expect anyone to change their core beliefs and behaviors for me. And I won't alter myself for them. Again, I will be flexible and adaptable and make changes as part of a team, but if someone tries to force me to do something... That shit will backfire so quickly. Something forced will not be authentic and I am all about authenticity. I don't want any type of false relationship, romantic or not. 

"I don't tell you what to say, I don't tell you what to do. So just let me be myself. That's all I ask of you."

It's a pretty simple request. Just let me myself, that's all I ask of you. I will do the same for you. I won't tell you what to say or ask you to be anything other than who you are. You know, as I was walking and thinking about this song and this entry, the thought crossed my mind that I should probably come with a warning label. Warning 1: When anything Chiefs is on, just plan on taking a back seat and allowing her to have her space. Do not try to talk stupid shit when the boys are playing. She will ignore you. Warning 2: She comes with a mountain of insecurities, but if you make the trek to the top of that mountain, the vast array of endless flowers is ripe for the picking. Warning 3: She is determined and she goes after what she wants and believes in. If you're lucky enough to join her on her journey, hang on tight because the ride will be so worth it.

"I'm young and I love to be young. I'm free and I love to be free. To live my life the way that I want, to say and do whatever I please." 

Fiercely independent, I tell you. I have lived on my own for a long time. I've paid my own bills and figured out how to manage household things on my own. I love that I can move to another city or country if I want to. I have that freedom at my disposal. I don't want it to sound like I'm not going to be considerate of others and I will certainly think before I speak or act. I will live my life the way that I want and I won't be afraid to speak my mind and do what I think is right. I love having that freedom!! I cannot wait to be in a partnership with someone who allows me to be me and accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. Until then, I'll stick to my independence and embrace it! 

The Mix Tape

So, I am sort of desiring a break from writing in depth and heartfelt posts, so I thought I'd do something a little different for this one. I'm almost at the end of this project and I know the direction I am going for the final entries, so I thought I'd take the chance to just do a "mix tape" of sorts. These songs are ones that didn't make the cut of 31 for the August project I've embarked upon. I mean, seriously... Can you sit down and choose only 31 songs to reflect every area of your life? It's tough! And I have a whole list that didn't make the cut, so I wanted to include some (not all) of them in this post. I'm just going to highlight some that goes with the various emotions I feel throughout this journey I call life. I will only keep it to 3 per section, but know that I could go on & on & on & on.... Let's get to it!

                                   

Because football season is starting soon and that is a HUGE part of my life, I want to dedicate the first part of this entry to Chiefs football. 

Here is the link to The Rolling Stones: Start Me Up https://youtu.be/SGyOaCXr8Lw

Here is the link to Ram Jam: Black Betty https://youtu.be/I_2D8Eo15wE

My personal favorite motivational song when I'm Arrowhead bound is Bon Jovi's This is our House 

https://youtu.be/OT5nJkUTNpc

Now, let's get to the other stuff... I'll start with when I'm feeling that lovey-dovey crap, these are some songs that make me believe it's possible.

There isn't an official video to this one, but it is from Ginuwine and it is called Love You More... Here's the link to that delicious track https://youtu.be/eYH4UJS-2Xg

This one is a classic... All-4-One: I Can Love you Like That https://youtu.be/bg1uULaTtPU

And my dad can probably blame my love for the 'bad boys' on Johnny Castle... This is the kind of love I want... And I love that there was a clip available from the actual movie! So, it's from Dirty Dancing. It's by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. It's called (I've Had) The Time of My Life. https://youtu.be/WpmILPAcRQo

Let's go to the times when I feel like shit and I just don't want to deal with anyone's bullshit. These next few songs are among my go-to's! 

Any excuse to add a little more Marshall, you know I'm down for it. This is his collaboration with Lil Wayne: No Love https://youtu.be/KV2ssT8lzj8 (it's unedited, but amazing!)

This is a Lil Wayne song with an appearance from Marshall: Drop The World https://youtu.be/btiK4aXrK20 (it is also unedited and only a lyrical video)

Because I didn't want to put all Marshall in this section, here is another go-to song of mine. It is Disturbed: Down with the Sickness https://youtu.be/09LTT0xwdfw

What about the times I just need to feel like a bad ass? I've got a couple songs that make me feel like I can do just about anything & make me feel confident in my own skin.

Here is the link to Keri Hilson: Pretty Girl Rock https://youtu.be/HtXOVKNazYU

I chose this link because of its connection with The Legend of Billie Jean (such a good movie!) The song is Invincible by Pat Benetar. https://youtu.be/crIZ_hgKlAg

This one is a little different in that it's more about relationships, but I never change it if it comes on my playlist. Loretta Lynn: Fist City. https://youtu.be/YgylOni0JSI

Of course, you have to have songs to go to when you're feeling blue. Here are a few of my songs that allow me to wallow in my sorrow for awhile.

Really, you should listen to the words in this song... It's incredible. Lindsey Haun: Broken https://youtu.be/UabGi_jZRPM

It's no secret that I love Pink, so I am including F@*kin' Perfect in here: https://youtu.be/ocDlOD1Hw9k

The last one I'll put in this section is Christina Perri's Human https://youtu.be/r5yaoMjaAmE

     

I could go on & on for ages and put many different categories to fit the moods I have like that changing weather, but I'm just going to leave it at those areas above. Plus, I know that most of you don't have the time to sit and click on all of those links about and listen to various YouTube videos all day. I hope you clicked at least one. If you did, I'm curious which one you picked? You should comment on the post and let me know. I apologize if you were expecting something profound for Day 27, but I thought I'd do something different. The final entries will be back to my typical posts, I would imagine, so enjoy the break! (To those who are still reading)

Release

LI was able to see this song performed live in Amsterdam and it was incredible. I actually have a tattoo of the second verse on my left thigh, that's how much this song means to me. From what I know about the song itself is that Eddie wrote it with his stepfather in in mind. For the purpose of this entry, I'm going to use it as a post about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I am working on gaining a better understanding of. 

I've asked many people what it truly means to forgive someone. And how will I know if I have actually forgiven them? I'm opening that question up to those of you still reading these blog entries. This first quote I am posting is sort of my own answer to that. I don't think I realized how imprisoned one is by allowing an offense (or grudge or whatever term you want to use) to take up residency in your heart, but it is exactly that. It does nothing to the person(s) who have wronged you, it only eats at your own soul...

                 

I'm not saying that I won't ever allow something to come into my heart and take up space on a temporary term. As I've said, it is important to allow yourself to feel all of those emotions, including the negativity, so that you know how to best respond in the future. I allow myself to feel the burn from the pain and I learn from it. It's not an immediate lesson, of course, but little by little, I'm making each lesson more brief.

                   

I don't want anyone to have so much control over my heart that they have the power to destroy it. This particular quote is powerful to me because it acknowledges that the behavior that occured is not excused, it's just not going to have any type of power over my heart. I am the only protector of my heart, so I must stay strong, as she counts on me to be her guardian. 

                                    

I have a fantastic memory. It's both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I can listen to a song from my junior college days and I can go back in time to an interaction that occured to that very song. Sometimes it's a negative interaction and sometimes, it is such a good memory that I just have to smile and bask in its energy. I'm sure many people have that ability, so I doubt it's anything unique or profound that I am talking about right now. I am also able to hear a single word and be taken back to a situation or circumstance that caused that word to have so much power beyond its actual meaning. Unfortunately, like that Velcro I referred to in one of my entries, I spent a lot of time dwelling on the negativity, so many of the words I remember take me back to a negative space. I'm working on making that space smaller, though. 

        

Here is the link for my absolute favorite version of the song. The video is not super clear, but that's okay. Just close your eyes and hear it... It's incredible. https://youtu.be/4tvlL8o3lPY

Nobody Knows

I can't believe that I haven't put a Pink song in an entry yet! First of all, she's absolutely an amazing singer and performer. Secondly, her songs are so incredibly powerful. She's literally got something for every mood. I'd never watched this video prior to writing this entry, but it's actually quite good. Give it a watch/listen if you're feeling up to it. https://youtu.be/Z_l4pa0IkOo

                                  

                                         

This entry is going to focus on insecurity. I could, literally, find something wrong in any picture of me that exists. I've said before that I would ask people to remove a picture off of The Facebook many times because I just couldn't stomach the idea of that picture being available to the public. 

My insecurities run deep. I've had more than 30 years of them piled on top of each other. There have been moments of happiness with brief success at beginning to just like myself, but I have never (to this day) loved myself. It's something I am really working on this year by challenging my negative thought patterns. It is a daily struggle and I imagine it might always be. 

Obviously my biggest insecurity is my physical appearance, weight being at the top of that list. Your environment plays a big role in shaping who you are and that includes the positive and negative. I have always struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. As I've stated before, when it was brought to my attention, I turned to food for comfort and then the cycle just continued without end. I'm trying to end that cycle now, though. I don't want to focus on the past because that's exactly what it is... the past. It shaped me, but I'm not going to let it define me. I've never fit society's expectations or definitions of "pretty" and it was always abundantly clear that I didn't. While I certainly have heard my fair share of people attack me for what I look like, it wasn't their words that hurt as much as the words I said to myself. That's the shit that is heavy as hell.

                                                       

                                                

                                        

 

"Nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls. I think nobody knows."

I was speaking with a friend the other day who is experiencing some weight loss of their own. As we were speaking, we both identified that we know we have had some recent success in losing the weight, but when we look in the mirror, we still see ourselves at our heaviest. When I'm out & about in the community, I still feel like people look at me and judge me based on my appearance. Now, sometimes, I don't give a shit because it's a sweats and hoodie kind of day and you're just going to have to deal with it, haha. But I'm talking about the days that I actually make an effort to be presentable and I still feel stares or hear comments and I can instantly revert back to the little girl being told she'd never be a cheerleader if she was fat. Triggers exist everywhere! Words hurt. They hurt when it comes from people you love, but, as I said, the words that do the most damage come from within us. Our private thoughts have the most power and it really is an ungodly amount of power. 

"Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, the one I used to hear before my life made a choice. But I think nobody knows."

Here, for me, lies a conundrum, I suppose. There are times I would love to lose the voice within me, but in reality, I would really love to just change the voice within me. I need her there. She gets me through a lot of shit. She calms me down. She suggests music to lean towards to help manage my emotions. She guides me safely to the light in the darkness. She's my homie. But man, she can be a bitch sometimes!

I just noticed that I refer to the darkness and light a lot throughout this project. It must be something weighing on my mind. And when you get down a little further in this entry, you'll see it again...

"Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown and I've lost my way back home?"

This is the question. Who? Who will be there after all of my angels have flown and I feel as if I've lost my way? I hope with my whole being that I never lose all of my angels, both living and that have passed on, so I will always have some guidance. I am truly confident that that will be my story, but what would happen if they all decided to give up on me? That type of loneliness is not something I am prepared to deal with or experience. I believe that I will always have an angel with me; angels in my friends, my family, etc. But also those that have passed on. I believe they'll always have my back no matter how heavy the weight I carry may become.

"It's win or lose, not how you play the game. And the road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name, but I think nobody knows."

See.. I told you... Darkness. I realize that everyone has their own insecurities and the same concept that mine are not better are worse than anyone else's applies here as well. I cannot speak on behalf of others, so obviously this is just my own reflection. 

I have this inredible battle with always going to the negative side of things first. I may misinterpret a text message or read into something too much and my initial response is negative. I start by blaming myself and being very critical of myself, but then I start applying to the situation and attempt to place blame elsewhere to help 'ease' my mind. That doesn't work. Like at all. It's not about the situation or the other person. That situation or person is bringing forth my own insecurities and I am the one allowing them to have the power to dwell in my mind. I need to work on this so much. It is a HUGE issue for me. 30 plus years of being validated by the negativity, whether in my mind or by the words or actions of others, certainly makes this climb quite a feat. But I am working on it and that's the best that I can do right now in this moment. 

                     

I love this quote. A friend posted it on their Facebook page and I had to save a copy. Think about it. It's so true. I am increasing my curiosity so I can find out what it is within me that is allowing me to sit with the insecurities so quickly. During school (I know I reference that a lot, but it's a large part of my transformation, so I guess you'll have to deal with it, haha), they taught us that we tend to let the negative thoughts come in our brains and stick like Velcro. We dwell on them and allow them to make themselves at home in our mind. On the flip side, when the positive thoughts come in, we tend to let them bounce off like Teflon, in and out in a moment. My goal is to switch these two pieces. It's a really tough task! But I'm working on it!

"Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart. The way I do when I'm lying in the dark and the world is asleep. I think nobody knows but me."

You all are certainly gaining a larger understanding of who I am through the words of this blog (if you're still with me, of course). But ultimately, no one can be with me at all times. No one knows the way my heart and mind work except me. So to go back to the theme of all of my entries... It comes down to me to change it. It is not easy, as I've said before. I get too much into my own head. I'm capable of seeing both sides of the coin and, deep down, I have a solid understanding of the reality of the situation. I'm just trying to get that voice to be louder than the voice of "Negative Nelly." She's sort of a nuisance. 

I promise that the next entry is going to be a little more upbeat! I've had a few in a row that are a little sad, but necessary to get out of the way, haha! So I promise the next one is going to be more upbeat! Thanks for reading!!