Well, hello...
I write today with a mind and heart that is in a whirlwind of emotions. I'm just going to cut straight to the chase for the moment and say it... I have decided not to stay in Spain for a second term.
The thought has crossed my mind on numerous occassions since I accepted the position, to be honest. I accepted it and went through the paperwork just as a precautionary thing. I wanted to have the choice for myself. I accepted the position with every intention of following through with a second year, but since I've been home, I realize that this is the place I want to be... for now. ;)
If I'm being honest, I am not really in love with my school. I don't like the way things are handled, both professionally and personally. I understand the differences in cultures and lifestyles and I can definitely appreciate that. I just don't feel like it is the right place for me. This particular school did not utilize me as well as they could or should have. In my honest opinion, and I think Joanne would agree, this school only wants to look good on paper. They don't have a real passion for their students learning English. While I may not agree with it, I am not saying that this is wrong. They are entitled to their own way of handling things and it is, quite frankly, none of my business. I just know that I prefer to have a job where I can make a difference and feel like I've made an impact. After a year there, I can't say with any confidence that I have. And I am fearful that returning for another year would result in similar feelings. Who's to say that would be the case? And who's to say it wouldn't? I've just decided that I need to make the decision for myself.
While the school has a lot to do with my decision, I have also based it on other important aspects. I came home after my year abroad and my niece, Lynnon, didn't recognize me. I knew that's how it would be, but I didn't realize it would be so difficult to deal with. I have since spent a large amount of time with her in an attempt to make up for my absence. She finally recognizes me! :) And their second baby is due in just a month and I don't want to miss out on the beginning of her life. In a nutshell, I came home to see how important family is to me. I've known, of course, that family is at the top of my list, but being away kind of put it in perspective. I just want to be closer so that I can come home for birthday parties and ballgames.
I also miss making money!! HaHa! No joke. This working 12 hours a week was a nice, relaxing experience, but I am ready to put my nose to the ground and make an income.
So, what next? Well, I am currently almost 30 and living at home with my parents. Yep. That's me. I'm waiting for a little financial stability and then I plan on moving to Salina. Why Salina? I don't really know. Why not? HaHa... It's not my forever place, for sure. I am just looking at it as a stop on the road. I'm getting a place with one of my best friends, Andrea. She & I will start looking soon and hope for a move in October... November at the latest. I feel like, since I've made this decision, that I have to decide my whole life in the next two weeks. I am beyond overwhelmed and have doubted my decision to stay on numerous occassions. I have to figure out a place to live, a job, a car, insurances, a phone, etc... like, now. I hate the overwhelming feeling and it really stresses me out and makes me a little depressed. I'm trying very hard to find some motivation and stay positive. I'll keep you updated on that, haha.
I do plan on keeping my blog. I don't know that anyone will want to read anything I have to say since I'll be in Kansas, but I plan on continuing it as a journal for myself, too. I guess it doesn't matter if anyone reads it, haha. I do want to take the opportunity to say thanks to those that did/do read my blog. I really appreciate the love. I know that Kansas may not be as exciting as Europe, but maybe I'll surprise you. I hope that you'll continue to read out of boredom, curiousity, or even want. :)
I am heading back to Spain on the 25th of this month to retrieve all of my belongings. It is an expensive trip that I, unfortunately, have to take. I am making it as short as possible and plan on being back on US soil by the night of the 29th. I don't want to have to explain everything to everyone. And I just want to make it as quick and painless as possible. I don't want to give myself the opportunity to fall in love with the place again. I do love that village, but I don't want to have the opportunity to spend a lot of time there and have my attatchment to it grow. Get in, get out, and get back. And I mean that in no disrespect to any of my friends there at all.
More to come in the way of some gratitude and so forth, but for now, I am going to close. I just wanted to officially let everyone know where I stand. Thanks for following me and I hope that this message finds you all well.
Besos!
Ashley Jo
