Cheers to 2018!

 

                   

2017 has been a pretty decent year overall. As is life, it hasn't been perfect, of course, but I think that'd be pretty boring.

I decided to do an entry to bring in the year because I would like to be a little more involved with my blog throughout 2018. Being honest and vulnerable through the month of August was one of the best things I have done. I have taken the words I wrote and applied them in my life and that vulnerability also challenged me to be vulnerable outside the safety of the blog. It's been absolutely incredible.

I am convinced that 2018 is going to be a very big year for me. I have many things in the works and I have created a notebook dedicated solely to the things I want/need to accomplish in 2018. Yes, I'm a person that makes a list of resolutions and goals for myself, but a lot of these things are more "grown up" in nature. Like, I need to complete my will. Turns out, when you have things worth losing, it's important to decide where those things should go if life throws you a hard curve. I also need to get a new roof on my house and hopefully sell that thing so I can begin closing the chapter on my Barber County living. No disrespect, but it's time for me to move on.

I am making a trip in January that could change the course of my life, literally. I am not going to write about that trip yet. I want to see how it goes for myself and then I will dedicate an entry to that piece of my journey. 

In regards to my blogging endeavors, I am not going to say "once a month" or "once a week." I'm going to say whenever I feel like I need to put words to how I am feeling. I tend to process things so much better when I can write about it, you can ask all the journals from my youth. It's my healing process and the fact that I am willing to share with others is a really big deal to me and it demonstrates to me that I have made significant progress in actually using this method as a healthy coping skill. 

One thing I want to continue to accomplish this year is choosing myself. My happiness is more important than making the situations and people around me happy. That does not mean that I want things around me to be in misery, but I won't dwell on those circumstances or make those problems my problems. I have done that too much in my life and it's exhausting, so I'm choosing me. Sometimes, that may mean that I am putting my own happiness over family or friends. I know that those that love me will understand when I choose me and make my happiness my priority.

        

Let's see... What other things of importance did I note? On the same note of my happiness, I suppose, I want to try to do better at maintaining contact with those that are important to me and those that put effort out for our relationships. The things and people that contribute to my happiness deserve additional effort and time from me, too. Toxicity, of whatever label (person, place, thing), will no longer have power over me. I won't allow negativity to sit with me like I have in the past. I have made great strides in this already, but I want to continue to work on it in 2018 and make this the year of positivity and continued change.

I know most resolution lists have something about losing weight or whatever. I lost more than 50 pounds in the 2017 calendar year. It was something I worked very hard for and to maintain. In 2018, I just want to continue my effort to be healthier, which will add to the happiness I have already spoken about in this entry. I hope a little more weight loss comes with it, but it's not a focus on the numbers for me. It's about health. I have no doubt that I have added substance (and even length) to my life by changing so many of my bad habits in 2017. I successfully made it the entire year without Starbucks! I would just like to note that, haha! It was a big thing for me!! So continued health is what I strive for... Not for perfection... Health.

I won't elaborate too far on this next piece yet either because it's all still being figured out, but I'll note it so that it helps hold me accountable. 2018 looks to be the year that I get to move... And when I say "move," I mean far away! Where and when depends on how some of the other puzzle pieces fall into place (or not). My overall goal, however, is to be gone from Barber County, Kansas, by the end of the summer of 2018. Crossing my fingers! 

I could write about job hopes, etc., but I think I'll save that for another entry when those pieces begin getting put together. Now that my clinical hours are finally complete, I can attempt the national exam before my big move becomes official. That's more of a piece of my "to do" list than it is a resolution for the year, but I'll include it because it could be important. I'll update that progress in future entries.

To close out this little entry, I am going to end with my final goal for 2018. It sort of includes everything that has already been mentioned above, so it'll be a nice way to seal it up with a bow. I want to be more spontaneous in 2018. I want to think less and do more! That may mean booking a solo dive trip somewhere in this world. That may also mean driving to Texas for a weekend to spend with my friend. It also could mean something as simple as deciding to go to Wichita for a movie just because I want to. I like organization and I appreciate a well-planned experience, but I want to take the opportunity to be present in whatever is happening in the moment throughout 2018. I want to be more mindful of my surroundings and not have to analyze every single tiny detail. Fair enough? And if it doesn't turn out to be the best (or even a positive) experience, then I want to learn from what made it negative and make adjustments in the future! 

We'll see how it goes! I hope that everyone thinks about what is important to them for the year. I hope that you all take a moment to at least make a mental note of what things you'd like to accomplish and I hope you go for those goals with all the resources you have at your disposal. I hope that 2018 is a great year for you, but embrace those pits we will all go through and learn from them, because the sun will rise and there will inevitably be a peak in your future. Go big or go home! 

Happy New Year! 

Simple Man

I have known that this was going to be the final song for the project from the beginning. It is, quite possibly One of the greatest songs ever made. I'm going to refer to most, if not all, of the lyrics throughout this post. 

Before I get started on that, though, I wanted to say thank you for following me on this part of my journey. It's been really awesome getting back to writing. It's so therapeutic for me. I've always used a journal throughout my life... Like, I started in 6th grade and kept one every day until I was 20 or 21. Now, I write whenever I feel the need.  It has always been incredibly soothing for me. I've never put as much out there as I have through this blog project, so that's certainly a HUGE step for me. To those that have followed it from the beginning, I appreciate you taking part in this chapter of my story and allowing me the space to be so vulnerable with you. It has been so much more powerful than I ever imagined and has really gotten me to work harder to practice what I preach and be a positive example.
 

                  

Seriously, this song is absolutely incredible. It encompasses everything that I want to be in this life. This journey through my blog has provided me an outlet to really process how I want my story to end and how I want others to remember me when I am no longer in the physical realm. Skynyrd's words are magic... So let's dive in.

"Mama told me when I was young, Come sit beside me, my only son and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it'll help you some sunny day. Oh take your time, don't live too fast. Troubles will come and they will pass. You'll find a woman and you'll find love. And don't forget, son, there is someone up above."

I don't even know where to start with this! There's so much power behind just a few sentences! First of all, "don't live too fast." I love that. I spoke about how quickly we move through our daily routines in many entries, but how often do we take the time and sit with our feelings or those that are around us and really and truly recognize the beauty that surrounds us and is within us? I am so incredibly guilty of wanting to live life in the fast lane, but I am working daily to remind myself to appreciate the journey and respect the process. I'm learning to be aware of how I respond to different environments and different people and to trust that my heart and my body will guide me in a way that I can grow and learn from.

"Troubles will come and they will pass..." Damn, isn't that the truth!? Storms will roll in, but the sun will rise eventually. And, as I've said before, my survival rate for the troubled days is 100% at this point and I cannot get better than that if tried! In the moment of the storm, I imagine it'll be difficult to weather and think about that sun coming up, but it's not impossible. It's hard to change a lifetime of practice in one way of thinking in a year, so my road to accomplishing this feat will be a rocky one, but it's one I'm willing to take... one step at a time.

I have to believe that I'll find love. And in my vision of this love, I imagine it to be something really amazing that will unlock some pretty legit emotions that I've never experienced before. I've said before that I can count the amount of times that I truly believe I loved someone on one hand (and I don't need more than 2 fingers). But I can't wait to experience love with all of my new knowledge and the new skills I have obtained. I'm going to be so much more aware of things and open to the ideas and influences of others. I will be more accountable for my actions and honest with my partner without fear of abandonment. I hope that what I find is my best friend, someone to share all of my vulnerabilities and every inch of my insecurities with and they still love me the same when it is all said and done. Truly, I cannot wait to experience this. It's the one thing I feel that I am missing out of life. I don't want this to define me, just enhance the me that I am finally discovering and introducing to the world.

When I think of "someone up above," I don't immediately go to religion, I'll just be honest. I'm not going to dive into my beliefs in that area, as I don't think this is an appropriate medium for that. When I think of "someone up above," I imagine the people that I loved and lost. To me, they are the "someone up above" looking after me from another realm, guiding me to find my way. I imagine my mom being at the front of that line. Regardless of where I am in this world, I believe that she is always with me. I believe that she's lovingly nudging me in directions that will enhance my journey, whether that's through situations or people put in my path to make me a better human. I believe in her. And she believes in me.

"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."

Simple. The last two years have really taught me so much about myself. I, like so many others, am a complex being with complex emotions. Simplicity is difficult to obtain when you bring that stuff into the picture. However, when you get down to it, being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple. Ultimately, I want to be a person that I love and understand. Back to what I've said from the beginning, I want to love myself. I'm working on the understanding part... I will forever be the student in my own life, learning from my surroundings.

"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul. And you can do this, if you try. All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied."

It's not about the money. Sure, you need money to pay for shit, but in the end, if that's all you are chasing, then life will be quite empty and miserable. You can't worry about what others have and what it is about their life that you want. Again, you could be missing out on some really great things right in front of you. Money cannot buy those simple qualities I mentioned in the paragraph above. That stuff is free. It's within you.

When I am gone from this world, I hope that I have written a billion times over that I was happy. I try very hard to acknowledge what I'm grateful for. I even have a journal specifically for that. When my story is over, I am going to have a ton of evidence remaining of my journey... the good, the bad, the ugly... stuff that should come with a parental advisory label... that will all be there for my loved ones to see. I realize that, and trust me, I've considered burning it on occasion, haha, but it's me. It's who I am and how I came to where I am. If I go read things that I wrote in the past, the overall negative tone is so heavy. I was so miserable. And for what? Who did it hurt? Me. No one else. I hurt myself, so I have no one to blame for that negativity but myself. I allowed various circumstances to consume me in a negative way. Ultimately, no one can make you feel anything. Situations may hurt and be painful, but that's because it's what you allow yourself to feel in that moment. No one else did that to you. Having a better understanding of this had made me better equipped for the ugly sides of life. It may be repetitive and I'm sorry, but I want to allow myself to feel all of the emotions, good and bad. But that's my choice. It's how I want to enhance who I really am. In the end, I want to say that I was perfectly satisfied with how I lived my life.

"Don't you worry, you'll find yourself. Follow your heart and nothing else."

This whole blog has been about uncovering myself and allowing myself to be exposed to the world. I'm finding me and I like what I'm discovering. It's empowering. There are still battles that go on between my head and my heart, but in the end, my heart will win out. I will follow her. If she leads me on a further path of self-discovery and that path takes me to different continents or countries, so be it. If that path ends up in a dead-end, I'm not going to be angry with my heart, because in that moment, she led me where she believed I would learn and benefit from the most. That might sound really corny and cliché, but again, this isn't for you. It's for me. And it makes sense to me.

I've also said how much of a worrier I am in previous entries. That is not an easy habit to kick. I remind myself regularly that worrying will not change the outcome, but there are times where it still creeps in and consumes me. Sometimes, though, I don't know if it's as much worry as it is anxiety or just plain nerves. I will probably always worry about some things, but I am working to avoid allowing it to consume me. Things that are outside of my control are not worthy of worry. What's meant to be will find a way, right? That's what "they" say. I'm working on accepting that.

"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."

Being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple... Sound familiar? It's worth repeating.

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. My journey hasn't been easy, but it damn sure will be worthwhile when the final chapter is written and the credits are rolling.

Again, thank you for riding this wave with me. I appreciate the love I've received through this writing project. It's been overwhelming, but in such a good way! I'm off to Arrowhead for the final preseason game!!

You Don't Own Me

Only 3 more to go (counting this one)! Are y'all sick of it yet? I suppose it's a choice you make to come here and read my words, so you can also make the choice to swipe on down the line and not read, haha! 

                                       

For those still sticking it out with me, I appreciate it! It really has been incredibly empowering and fun, to be honest. I didn't realize how much therapy this would be for me, so thank you all for being my free therapists! 

This entry is one that I wanted to focus on my independence. I spent a lot of time throughout this project focusing on what I wanted to obtain on this journey of mine, so this entry will be a tad bit different in that it is something I feel like I have mastered... Perhaps all too well.

Tell me you've seen The First Wive's Club... You know the last scene of the movie when they sing "You Don't Own Me?" That is my favorite version of this song! I love The First Wive's Club, so that's the clip I chose to include! 

"You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys."

I realize that I talked about my desire to find love and be in a committed relationship with someone who loves me just the same. That is very true. It's probably the thing I want most in this world. However, I want to be very clear that, while I desire to be in an relationship with my equal, I am fiercely independent and that is going to take awhile to kick. I will not allow someone to tell me what to do and act as if I am a piece of their property, absolutely unacceptable. I've spent a lot of years developing this version of myself and I'm very proud of her. She doesn't need someone, she would just like to share her life with someone special. And that person, when I meet him, will be someone very special.

"Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to say. And please, when I go out with you, don't put me on display."

I realize that I'll always be accountable to someone whether at work or elsewhere, but I won't be told what to do by someone who is my partner. I don't want to have to conform to someone else's expectations just to fit in. I'm fully capable of being flexible and adaptable to my environment and am more than willing to demonstrate those qualities with someone who is my equal. Are you getting the importance of equality in this situation? I will absolutely adjust my thought processes, but I expect the same adaptability from my partner.

"You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay."

A healthy amount of change is expected. You learn to grow together and become a unit together. I think something that held me back in my past is that I believed I could (or should) change someone to fit the way that I think they need to be. Who am I to make that decision? I do not expect anyone to change their core beliefs and behaviors for me. And I won't alter myself for them. Again, I will be flexible and adaptable and make changes as part of a team, but if someone tries to force me to do something... That shit will backfire so quickly. Something forced will not be authentic and I am all about authenticity. I don't want any type of false relationship, romantic or not. 

"I don't tell you what to say, I don't tell you what to do. So just let me be myself. That's all I ask of you."

It's a pretty simple request. Just let me myself, that's all I ask of you. I will do the same for you. I won't tell you what to say or ask you to be anything other than who you are. You know, as I was walking and thinking about this song and this entry, the thought crossed my mind that I should probably come with a warning label. Warning 1: When anything Chiefs is on, just plan on taking a back seat and allowing her to have her space. Do not try to talk stupid shit when the boys are playing. She will ignore you. Warning 2: She comes with a mountain of insecurities, but if you make the trek to the top of that mountain, the vast array of endless flowers is ripe for the picking. Warning 3: She is determined and she goes after what she wants and believes in. If you're lucky enough to join her on her journey, hang on tight because the ride will be so worth it.

"I'm young and I love to be young. I'm free and I love to be free. To live my life the way that I want, to say and do whatever I please." 

Fiercely independent, I tell you. I have lived on my own for a long time. I've paid my own bills and figured out how to manage household things on my own. I love that I can move to another city or country if I want to. I have that freedom at my disposal. I don't want it to sound like I'm not going to be considerate of others and I will certainly think before I speak or act. I will live my life the way that I want and I won't be afraid to speak my mind and do what I think is right. I love having that freedom!! I cannot wait to be in a partnership with someone who allows me to be me and accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. Until then, I'll stick to my independence and embrace it! 

The Mix Tape

So, I am sort of desiring a break from writing in depth and heartfelt posts, so I thought I'd do something a little different for this one. I'm almost at the end of this project and I know the direction I am going for the final entries, so I thought I'd take the chance to just do a "mix tape" of sorts. These songs are ones that didn't make the cut of 31 for the August project I've embarked upon. I mean, seriously... Can you sit down and choose only 31 songs to reflect every area of your life? It's tough! And I have a whole list that didn't make the cut, so I wanted to include some (not all) of them in this post. I'm just going to highlight some that goes with the various emotions I feel throughout this journey I call life. I will only keep it to 3 per section, but know that I could go on & on & on & on.... Let's get to it!

                                   

Because football season is starting soon and that is a HUGE part of my life, I want to dedicate the first part of this entry to Chiefs football. 

Here is the link to The Rolling Stones: Start Me Up https://youtu.be/SGyOaCXr8Lw

Here is the link to Ram Jam: Black Betty https://youtu.be/I_2D8Eo15wE

My personal favorite motivational song when I'm Arrowhead bound is Bon Jovi's This is our House 

https://youtu.be/OT5nJkUTNpc

Now, let's get to the other stuff... I'll start with when I'm feeling that lovey-dovey crap, these are some songs that make me believe it's possible.

There isn't an official video to this one, but it is from Ginuwine and it is called Love You More... Here's the link to that delicious track https://youtu.be/eYH4UJS-2Xg

This one is a classic... All-4-One: I Can Love you Like That https://youtu.be/bg1uULaTtPU

And my dad can probably blame my love for the 'bad boys' on Johnny Castle... This is the kind of love I want... And I love that there was a clip available from the actual movie! So, it's from Dirty Dancing. It's by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. It's called (I've Had) The Time of My Life. https://youtu.be/WpmILPAcRQo

Let's go to the times when I feel like shit and I just don't want to deal with anyone's bullshit. These next few songs are among my go-to's! 

Any excuse to add a little more Marshall, you know I'm down for it. This is his collaboration with Lil Wayne: No Love https://youtu.be/KV2ssT8lzj8 (it's unedited, but amazing!)

This is a Lil Wayne song with an appearance from Marshall: Drop The World https://youtu.be/btiK4aXrK20 (it is also unedited and only a lyrical video)

Because I didn't want to put all Marshall in this section, here is another go-to song of mine. It is Disturbed: Down with the Sickness https://youtu.be/09LTT0xwdfw

What about the times I just need to feel like a bad ass? I've got a couple songs that make me feel like I can do just about anything & make me feel confident in my own skin.

Here is the link to Keri Hilson: Pretty Girl Rock https://youtu.be/HtXOVKNazYU

I chose this link because of its connection with The Legend of Billie Jean (such a good movie!) The song is Invincible by Pat Benetar. https://youtu.be/crIZ_hgKlAg

This one is a little different in that it's more about relationships, but I never change it if it comes on my playlist. Loretta Lynn: Fist City. https://youtu.be/YgylOni0JSI

Of course, you have to have songs to go to when you're feeling blue. Here are a few of my songs that allow me to wallow in my sorrow for awhile.

Really, you should listen to the words in this song... It's incredible. Lindsey Haun: Broken https://youtu.be/UabGi_jZRPM

It's no secret that I love Pink, so I am including F@*kin' Perfect in here: https://youtu.be/ocDlOD1Hw9k

The last one I'll put in this section is Christina Perri's Human https://youtu.be/r5yaoMjaAmE

     

I could go on & on for ages and put many different categories to fit the moods I have like that changing weather, but I'm just going to leave it at those areas above. Plus, I know that most of you don't have the time to sit and click on all of those links about and listen to various YouTube videos all day. I hope you clicked at least one. If you did, I'm curious which one you picked? You should comment on the post and let me know. I apologize if you were expecting something profound for Day 27, but I thought I'd do something different. The final entries will be back to my typical posts, I would imagine, so enjoy the break! (To those who are still reading)

Release

LI was able to see this song performed live in Amsterdam and it was incredible. I actually have a tattoo of the second verse on my left thigh, that's how much this song means to me. From what I know about the song itself is that Eddie wrote it with his stepfather in in mind. For the purpose of this entry, I'm going to use it as a post about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I am working on gaining a better understanding of. 

I've asked many people what it truly means to forgive someone. And how will I know if I have actually forgiven them? I'm opening that question up to those of you still reading these blog entries. This first quote I am posting is sort of my own answer to that. I don't think I realized how imprisoned one is by allowing an offense (or grudge or whatever term you want to use) to take up residency in your heart, but it is exactly that. It does nothing to the person(s) who have wronged you, it only eats at your own soul...

                 

I'm not saying that I won't ever allow something to come into my heart and take up space on a temporary term. As I've said, it is important to allow yourself to feel all of those emotions, including the negativity, so that you know how to best respond in the future. I allow myself to feel the burn from the pain and I learn from it. It's not an immediate lesson, of course, but little by little, I'm making each lesson more brief.

                   

I don't want anyone to have so much control over my heart that they have the power to destroy it. This particular quote is powerful to me because it acknowledges that the behavior that occured is not excused, it's just not going to have any type of power over my heart. I am the only protector of my heart, so I must stay strong, as she counts on me to be her guardian. 

                                    

I have a fantastic memory. It's both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I can listen to a song from my junior college days and I can go back in time to an interaction that occured to that very song. Sometimes it's a negative interaction and sometimes, it is such a good memory that I just have to smile and bask in its energy. I'm sure many people have that ability, so I doubt it's anything unique or profound that I am talking about right now. I am also able to hear a single word and be taken back to a situation or circumstance that caused that word to have so much power beyond its actual meaning. Unfortunately, like that Velcro I referred to in one of my entries, I spent a lot of time dwelling on the negativity, so many of the words I remember take me back to a negative space. I'm working on making that space smaller, though. 

        

Here is the link for my absolute favorite version of the song. The video is not super clear, but that's okay. Just close your eyes and hear it... It's incredible. https://youtu.be/4tvlL8o3lPY

Nobody Knows

I can't believe that I haven't put a Pink song in an entry yet! First of all, she's absolutely an amazing singer and performer. Secondly, her songs are so incredibly powerful. She's literally got something for every mood. I'd never watched this video prior to writing this entry, but it's actually quite good. Give it a watch/listen if you're feeling up to it. https://youtu.be/Z_l4pa0IkOo

                                  

                                         

This entry is going to focus on insecurity. I could, literally, find something wrong in any picture of me that exists. I've said before that I would ask people to remove a picture off of The Facebook many times because I just couldn't stomach the idea of that picture being available to the public. 

My insecurities run deep. I've had more than 30 years of them piled on top of each other. There have been moments of happiness with brief success at beginning to just like myself, but I have never (to this day) loved myself. It's something I am really working on this year by challenging my negative thought patterns. It is a daily struggle and I imagine it might always be. 

Obviously my biggest insecurity is my physical appearance, weight being at the top of that list. Your environment plays a big role in shaping who you are and that includes the positive and negative. I have always struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. As I've stated before, when it was brought to my attention, I turned to food for comfort and then the cycle just continued without end. I'm trying to end that cycle now, though. I don't want to focus on the past because that's exactly what it is... the past. It shaped me, but I'm not going to let it define me. I've never fit society's expectations or definitions of "pretty" and it was always abundantly clear that I didn't. While I certainly have heard my fair share of people attack me for what I look like, it wasn't their words that hurt as much as the words I said to myself. That's the shit that is heavy as hell.

                                                       

                                                

                                        

 

"Nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls. I think nobody knows."

I was speaking with a friend the other day who is experiencing some weight loss of their own. As we were speaking, we both identified that we know we have had some recent success in losing the weight, but when we look in the mirror, we still see ourselves at our heaviest. When I'm out & about in the community, I still feel like people look at me and judge me based on my appearance. Now, sometimes, I don't give a shit because it's a sweats and hoodie kind of day and you're just going to have to deal with it, haha. But I'm talking about the days that I actually make an effort to be presentable and I still feel stares or hear comments and I can instantly revert back to the little girl being told she'd never be a cheerleader if she was fat. Triggers exist everywhere! Words hurt. They hurt when it comes from people you love, but, as I said, the words that do the most damage come from within us. Our private thoughts have the most power and it really is an ungodly amount of power. 

"Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, the one I used to hear before my life made a choice. But I think nobody knows."

Here, for me, lies a conundrum, I suppose. There are times I would love to lose the voice within me, but in reality, I would really love to just change the voice within me. I need her there. She gets me through a lot of shit. She calms me down. She suggests music to lean towards to help manage my emotions. She guides me safely to the light in the darkness. She's my homie. But man, she can be a bitch sometimes!

I just noticed that I refer to the darkness and light a lot throughout this project. It must be something weighing on my mind. And when you get down a little further in this entry, you'll see it again...

"Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown and I've lost my way back home?"

This is the question. Who? Who will be there after all of my angels have flown and I feel as if I've lost my way? I hope with my whole being that I never lose all of my angels, both living and that have passed on, so I will always have some guidance. I am truly confident that that will be my story, but what would happen if they all decided to give up on me? That type of loneliness is not something I am prepared to deal with or experience. I believe that I will always have an angel with me; angels in my friends, my family, etc. But also those that have passed on. I believe they'll always have my back no matter how heavy the weight I carry may become.

"It's win or lose, not how you play the game. And the road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name, but I think nobody knows."

See.. I told you... Darkness. I realize that everyone has their own insecurities and the same concept that mine are not better are worse than anyone else's applies here as well. I cannot speak on behalf of others, so obviously this is just my own reflection. 

I have this inredible battle with always going to the negative side of things first. I may misinterpret a text message or read into something too much and my initial response is negative. I start by blaming myself and being very critical of myself, but then I start applying to the situation and attempt to place blame elsewhere to help 'ease' my mind. That doesn't work. Like at all. It's not about the situation or the other person. That situation or person is bringing forth my own insecurities and I am the one allowing them to have the power to dwell in my mind. I need to work on this so much. It is a HUGE issue for me. 30 plus years of being validated by the negativity, whether in my mind or by the words or actions of others, certainly makes this climb quite a feat. But I am working on it and that's the best that I can do right now in this moment. 

                     

I love this quote. A friend posted it on their Facebook page and I had to save a copy. Think about it. It's so true. I am increasing my curiosity so I can find out what it is within me that is allowing me to sit with the insecurities so quickly. During school (I know I reference that a lot, but it's a large part of my transformation, so I guess you'll have to deal with it, haha), they taught us that we tend to let the negative thoughts come in our brains and stick like Velcro. We dwell on them and allow them to make themselves at home in our mind. On the flip side, when the positive thoughts come in, we tend to let them bounce off like Teflon, in and out in a moment. My goal is to switch these two pieces. It's a really tough task! But I'm working on it!

"Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart. The way I do when I'm lying in the dark and the world is asleep. I think nobody knows but me."

You all are certainly gaining a larger understanding of who I am through the words of this blog (if you're still with me, of course). But ultimately, no one can be with me at all times. No one knows the way my heart and mind work except me. So to go back to the theme of all of my entries... It comes down to me to change it. It is not easy, as I've said before. I get too much into my own head. I'm capable of seeing both sides of the coin and, deep down, I have a solid understanding of the reality of the situation. I'm just trying to get that voice to be louder than the voice of "Negative Nelly." She's sort of a nuisance. 

I promise that the next entry is going to be a little more upbeat! I've had a few in a row that are a little sad, but necessary to get out of the way, haha! So I promise the next one is going to be more upbeat! Thanks for reading!!

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

I challenge ALL of you to not pump your fists during this song. Seriously, you can't do it, can you? https://youtu.be/LatorN4P9aA

I feel like I'd be doing an incredible disservice to my youth if I didn't (well, also my Fort Hays days) if I didn't include Journey in my journey, haha! (See what I did there?) While I connect to so many Journey songs, this one is probably my favorite and I will jam to it endlessly when it comes on my playlist. And yes, I pump my fist like there's no tomorrow! Prior to this entry, I had no idea there was an actual Journey video for the song. It cracked me up to watch it. It's so old-fashioned and amazing! Take the time to watch it. Those clothes! HaHa!

                                                 

I realize the song is more about letting go of a great love and wishing them well, while still loving them in your heart. So I'll stick with that theme. Past great loves that shaped who I am today and wishing them and any future relationships well. 

"Someday, love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you how we touched and went our separate ways. If he ever hurts you, true love won't desert you. You know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways."

I can count on one hand the amount of times I could say that I was really "in love" in my life. I am fortunate to say that, though, and I realize that. Clearly those loves did not last, but I can also so that I am friends with them to this day. Back in the day, I am sure I wished them ill will and hated the circumstances surrounding our separation, but in my growth and maturity, I really wish them nothing but the very best. 

In keeping with the theme of these entries, I learned something from each person I've loved. I accept the good, the bad, and the ugly and I hope that they can say they learned from their time with me, too. There are songs that take me back to each love I've been blessed to experience. There are places that bring things back. And there are smells that take me back to school dances and football games.

In my heart, I will always have love for them and what we shared in those moments.

"If you must go, I wish you love. You'll never walk alone, take care my love. Miss you, love!"

I just hope that these words apply to me. I hope that true love does not desert me and will make itself known in the future. I hope that I have the opportunity to share my life, my story, and my vulnerabilities with a best friend who becomes my lover. I want to travel and see the world with someone. I want to create a family and raise baby Chiefs fans with someone. I have to believe that love will find me. In speaking with a friend over the weekend, she encouraged me to continue on the path that I choose for myself. If someone wants to join for the ride, then that's great, but I need to focus on my priorities and what makes me happy in this moment. The decisions I make need to be for me and not for the benefit of someone else. 

I believe he's out there. I believe that true love won't desert me. I also know that someone may come into my life and become a soulmate in passing. For them, I can apply this song as well. I will learn from them and wish them the best. Someday... Love will find me.

Catch My Breath

The penultimate entry! I chose a song that no one was even close to guessing when I posed the question on Facebook. To be honest, a week ago, I didn't know it was even going to make the list, but it came on my playlist shuffle the other day and I took the time to listen to the words and they spoke to me. I allowed them to speak to me and they moved me enough to include them in my 31 songs of 31 days! Surprised? Read through the lyrics... It may make more sense then. The video is posted on the bottom of the entry, so feel free to watch it. She has a really beautiful voice!

                         

Two years ago...

"I don't wanna be left behind. Distance was a friend of mine. Catching breath in a web of lies, I've spent most of my life riding waves, playing acrobat. Shadow-boxing the other half. Learning how to react. I've spent most of my time...Catching my breath, letting it go. Turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right."

This is exactly me even just 8 or 9 months ago, to be honest. Distance is the first thing I would put between me and whatever scared me or intimidated me. We were besties! I tried so hard to keep up with what others (and myself) expected. I played the puppet on the strings and danced to the music that others suggested was the appropriate beat for me. Not always! But internally, I was fighting a battle to keep up. I became a very reactive person and usually in a negative and dramatic fashion. I'm not going to regret anything because that is part of my story and it contributed to the growth I've made to this point, but sometimes I think about what I could have missed during my impulsive reactions. I can't dwell on that, of course, because I don't want that negativity sitting in my heart and soul. That's why I can relate so well to this song... It's as if she wrote it for me. Too often I turned the other cheek or settled for mediocrity, when I should have faced things head on and shot for the moon. I'm learning, though, so...

Fast forward to the present tense:

"Catch my breath, no one can can hold me back. I ain't got time for that. Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now."

If you don't want to know the truth about my feelings in any given situation, please don't ask unless you are prepared for the answers, including the ones that you may not want to hear. I've paid a lot of money to learn how to say things in a constructive way, so I won't be a bitch about it, I promise. I've always been vocal about my opinions, but not necessarily in a good way for myself or for anyone else. Grad school has made the whole picture that is my life become so much more clear. It really is simple when you are looking at it through a different lens and with an open mind and heart. It's not easy to actually apply at times, but the whole concept makes so much sense! I don't have time for things that are going to hold me back and keep me from my progress. Zero time. 

"Addicted to the love I found. Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud. Making time for the ones that count. I'll spend the rest of my time laughing hard with the windows down, leaving footprints all over town. Keeping faith, Karma comes around. I will spend the rest of my life...Catching my breath, letting it go. Turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right."

In my perspective, the 'love' she is referring to in this set of lyrics is my own self-love. I've become addicted to the need to love myself. I believe that if I can master that, things will begin to fall into place. I used to have a very heavy heart, full of negativity, but I'm working on morphing it into a weightless cloud. And it's working. My favorite line in this set of lyrics is "making time for the ones that count." That is my biggest change in 2017, aside from my physical health. I'm so over putting effort into relationships that do not give me anything in return. I am committed to making time for the people in my life that make time for me. If that means that I have to make choices that are not acceptable to some, I will do that. And I won't apologize for it. I want to spend my time enjoying all of the small things and rather than leaving footprints all over town, I intend to leave footprints all over the globe! And whether or not you believe in Karma, I will put out good juju so that the good karma comes back to me in all her glory. I want to believe that what I put out, I will get back in return. So I'm going to do my part to make sure that what I put out is positive. 

I will no longer be turning my cheek. I'm going to embrace everything and make this my life. It feels different this time. It feels more permanent. You all now have a more clear picture of who I am as a person through this blog. I hope that it has came across very clearly that I am not going to be told what is supposed to be right and how I should be living. This is my life. 

"Catch my breath, no one can hold me back. I ain't got time for that. Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now." 

Enough said. It is all so simple now. I see things differently. I feel things differently. I talk differently. I experience life differently. And it's so much better for me and far more beneficial than I ever imagined!

"You helped me see the beauty in everything."

The "you" in this goes to many things and people. I'm not going to list all of them. They know who they are. I love that the fog has cleared and I'm able to see so much more beauty... In everything. 

Here's the video if you want to check it out!

Rockstar 101

It Rihanna... Can you really say enough about how bad ass she is? Her & Pink are two of my favorite female artists. I chose this song to flip the script on the negative self-talk. 

                                               

Sometimes you just need to feel like a bad ass. What things do you do to make yourself feel like a bad ass? Do you have any secrets? Please share! Obviously music speaks to me, so I tend to rely a lot on it boosting my confidence or helping me process whatever I am feeling in the moment.

It's the edited version, but it still just makes me feel empowered!

I have clearly talked plenty about the bad days, but I'm going to do my best to stay away from that for this entry and focus on the days I feel empowered.

I am trying to embrace my strengths this year. It's not easy some days, of course, but it is something I am working on, like so many things throughout this blog project, haha!

"To be what you is, you gotta be what you are."

I am working on changing my perception of myself. I was talking with a bestie recently and we were discussing how what we put out into the universe is what we get back. So I need to work on putting out the positive energy, so that's what I get back. I've certainly began feeling better about myself since some weight has came off and I believe that has a direct connection with changing my self-talk. I've also really came out of my shell when interacting with others in the public. I make eye contact and smile at more strangers. If I see someone wearing a cute top or shoes, I tell them. I try to engage others in discussion if I'm standing in line waiting to check out at a store. You only get out what you put in... So I'm putting in as much good juju as I possibly can.

I want to be sure to note here that it is not just about the weight for me. I am learning that. It was primarily about that and being lonely that contributed to the negative self-talk, but as I gain strength and confidence, I realize that it's not ever really been about those issues. I am beautiful the way that I am. I may have to repeat that to myself a bazillion times every day, but it's worth it. I don't have to be skinny to make others happy. What I want is to be happy and healthy, in all areas of my life, regardless of what that physically looks like. Just want it noted! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. The inner beauty is what I want to shine through! 

Part of being more positive and embracing my strengths is being more honest and open about how I feel. I have always been an honest person (not counting my youth, haha), but I've never really communicated about how I feel and connected that with my honesty. People cannot know how I feel if I don't tell them. They cannot read my mind. So why not just put it out there?

Part of my confidence building is taking pictures of myself. I've never really been a selfie queen, but I'm working on allowing myself to be sucked into the trend. Not because it's the "cool" thing to do, but because I've spent so much time avoiding the camera. I want to capture moments where I finally feel "pretty" for myself. I may not share those photos with everyone, it's not really about that. It's more about building my own confidence.

                                             

You know you have songs that just make you feel amazing and you just have to jam, right? That's why I chose this song title for this entry. It really doesn't have anything to do with the actual lyrics, but I must say that when I hear some songs, it just makes me feel good. This is one of those songs. I just feel bad ass. I may not be bad ass, but I feel it and that's what is important. I've got a lot of songs that when they come up on my playlist, I find myself reaching for the dial to turn it up a notch or two and I just rock the hell out to it. In my car, in my world... I am the Rockstar, baby. 

                                            

The Sun is Rising

        

This is the view of Machu Picchu as the sun rises over the ancient city.

I know that I focus a lot on my quest to change the negative thinking to positive. It is an absolutely essential piece of my success. I decided that I wanted to focus this entry on my desire to help others through their own storms and the darkness they may be experiencing. That's a huge part of why I went to grad school for the field I'm in. And let me tell you, being a part of the light in the darkness is one of the most incredibly amazing feelings in the world. It is unmatched. It touches you in the depths of your heart.


First and foremost, I cannot even begin to compare what my pain is to the pain of others. What I consider painful may be just a walk in the park to another person. I know I've said it before, but that does not make my pain any less or more significant than that of others. I just want to acknowledge that once again. Everyone has a story, a journey they are on, with mountains to climb and roads to be created. Some chapters may be a bit more sketchy than others, but there is hope at the beginning of that road or at the base of that mountain.


What I want to say with this entry is specifically to those going through some hard times. If you are reading this, please know that you can reach out to me and I will do what I can from afar (or close) to help you. I will light a match in your dark space, as my friends have done for me. I do not care if we haven't spoken for years, weeks, days, or hours... You can reach out to me.


If you haven't listened to this song before, I highly recommend it. The link is at the bottom of the page if you'd like to hear it (there's no official video).  Here we go...


"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting. The future you had hoped for is now burning. And the dreams you held so tight have lost their meaning. And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing. You're gonna make it."


I watch my Facebook feed fill up with negativity all the time. Not just political/racial/etc. negativity, but I see personal pain flow through some of the entries of my friends. While it is my personal choice not to put that sort of information out there for the world to see, I do try to acknowledge those that seem to be going through something. If it's in a comment, a message, a text, or a call... I try to reach out in some way so they know they are thought of and cared for. Just read those lyrics again. Go ahead. I'll wait...


Have you ever felt that before? Like really felt it at the very core of your being? It seems like you can't win and life just keeps handing you shit storm after shit storm and doesn't feel like things will ever get better? You had all these goals and plans for the future, whether that's with a significant other or just on a personal or professional level, and then it's as if a tornado comes along and sucks you in and throws you, in a mangled mess, into the wild unknown?


You will make it. You don't have to go through those things alone.

       

This picture was taken during the Anderson Creek Fire in 2016 from the Cook Ranch. It was a very dark time for our little community, but that sun still arrived every day!

"The night can only last for so long. Whatever you're facing, if your heart is breaking, there's a promise for the ones who just hold on. Lift up your eyes and see. The sun is rising."

We all know that, eventually, the sun will rise. Hence, the title of this entry and the reason behind the post. I'm positive I put this somewhere in the blog already, but I want you to remember that your track record for getting through the bad days is 100% so far & that is incredible! You literally cannot get better than that. Sometimes, all of your effort is focused on just getting out of bed. If that's the best thing you've done with your day, then kuddos to you! That's huge! Don't try to go around the mountain. Just move one step at a time. 

There is not nearly enough education out there, especially in our small community where I live, about the harsh reality that is depression and what signs and symptoms to look for. That shit can disguise itself as pure joy on the face of someone and inside, their world is spinning. You have no idea. I have no idea. They could be coaching themselves to take each step just so they keep moving with a smile on their face. I can totally relate to this when Grandpa passed. There were days where I would literally give myself a pep talk in an attempt to motivate me to move... Just move. While my people knew my pain, I promise you that I can hide that shit well. The sadness behind my smile was incredibly painful and heavy.

I'm not going to turn this into PSA about depression, I just want you to know that it is very real and very prevalant, even in Small Town, USA. So take the time to smile at strangers. Wave at them. Say hello. Something I have taken to doing is random acts of kindness on an anonymous and selfless level. I used to pay for the people behind me at Starbucks, but since I don't drink that stuff anymore, I have taken it to other levels. I use my increased awareness to pay attention to what is going on around me. If I see someone eating alone, I'm always curious about their stories and what brought them to that moment. If I observe their kindness towards the waitress, I may just sporadically go pay for their food and leave. I try to find something selfless to do on a regular basis. That alone could change someone's life. Yes, I said life. One word. One act. It can save a life. 

Again, that darkness can only last for so long. Eventually, the sun will rise and a new day will begin. Take small steps and make easy and attainable goals for yourself. Talk kindly to yourself because you are worth it. 

"Every high and every low you're gonna go through. You don't have to be afraid, I am with you. In the moments you're so weak, you feel like stopping. Let the hope you have light the road you're walking. You're gonna make it."

One of the very first things I start every session with is, "Tell me something good about today." I want to start my time with them off in a positive way. If that something good is merely getting out of bed, then so be it. That's amazing. And I reinforce that like crazy. As the session continues, it usually comes out that there are far more positive things going on than they realize, they are just looking through a negative lens. So I clear that lens for them and I acknowledge every positive thing they do. There will always, always be highs and lows... That cannot go away... But you can get through it. I cannot stress that enough. You are worth it and you will survive the darkness. 

I literally just wrote about allowing yourself to sit with the feelings of weakness in my last entry and I believe that you have to allow yourself to feel it so then you can begin to heal. Allow yourself to fall to your knees and cry, for however long you need. And then know that there are people that will be there when you need a hand getting up. I'll be first in line if you need me. 

Through school, they reinforced a huge key to successful therapy is that the client needs to have hope. The size of their hope can be microscopic, but as long as it's there, there's a chance. It's important for me, as a therapist, but as a friend, to find help the people I come in contact with find something to be hopeful about. 

I'm just going to put in a little plug for my profession right now... But it's so valid for this entry. Therapy can help you, too. I see a therapist and now that I know the benefits, I have kicked myself repeatedly for not getting into it earlier in my life! The relationships and situations I've been through may have had very different endings if I'd had an outlet. So if you don't want to talk to your family or friends, you can always reach out to an unbiased 3rd party and they can be your light in the darkness.

I'm going to close this entry with these last lyrics. Just let them soak in. And listen to the song. She sings it beautifully.

"And even when you can't imagine how, how you're ever gonna find your way out. Even when you're drowning in your doubt, just look beyond the clouds. The sun is rising."


It's just a video of the song, but it's such a powerful song! Give it a listen!!

Strong Tonight

There are only 10 more entries (including this one)! Yeah!! I realize that you aren't required to come here and read my words, but there are still quite a few that are (I have a page that tells me the amount of views). I appreciate the support and feedback. It's been far more beneficial to me than I ever imagined it would be, so regardless of who is still reading (or not), this has been an awesome experience.

       

I looked for a good video for this song, but since it's not mainstream, there aren't any. I don't know if any of you watch the show, Nashville, but that's where it is from. It's sung by Connie Britton. Feel free to look it up if you want. Or add it to your Spotify playlist for those down-in-the-dump days. I'm going to include most of the lyrics through the post, so you'll have a solid idea of what the song is, but feel free to check it out... worth it!


This entry is going to focus on allowing myself to feel weak. There are going to be days, far more often than I want to admit, when I don't feel like doing a damn thing. When one of those storms that I consistently refer to decides to roll into my little world, I have this song to lean on, not my typical coping mechanisms in food or forced solitude, but in music. This song, perfectly, describes how I feel when I just don't want to feel. Make sense?

                              

"I don't want to be strong tonight. Don't want to hear it'll be okay. Don't want to look on the bright side. Don't want to learn from my mistakes."

The fact is, life is not sunshine and rainbows all the time. And if it is for you, I want whatever you're taking because that sounds like an amazing world... Until it's not. Sometimes, I don't want people to sympathize with me. Sometimes, I just want to feel sad, lonely, depressed, worried... I promise that when I need that support, I will reach out to my support system and get it. I just want to feel my sorrow and pain on my own and I don't need a choir singing behind me that everything is rosy when my world is full of darkness. While I realize that I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how I want to learn from my mistakes and move forward, some days, that's just not the case. I'll learn from my mistakes... But not until tomorrow. On my time. 

"I just want to have a breakdown. I just want to let my heart ache. Fall apart and get it all out, leave proof of the pain, tears stained on my pillowcase. I don't want to be strong tonight."

I cannot tell you how many nights I've just needed to cry it out, so I do. It may not be a head-on-the-pillow sort of sweet sobbing. It is, most likely, that ugly ass cry that allows me to feel the sadness leaving my body. Sometimes, I just need to sit with the pain and allow myself to fall apart. I'll pick myself up, just like I always do, but until then... Let me have my breakdown... I'll worry about it tomorrow. On my time.

"I'm tired of holding it together. I'm tired of keeping everything inside. I'm gonna hurt to feel better. Try my best not to apologize. Call me a sad mess, yea, if you want to. Call me a train wreck, I know you're going to."

This was one of my biggest problems prior to this year. I held all of my shit inside. I didn't want to burden others with my problems and didn't feel like it was necessary to involve others. They have their own shit to deal with, I never wanted to add mine to theirs. I have learned so much in 2017 about allowing myself to let it go. I have never talked more about my feelings in my life. And it is SO amazing. It is unbelievably difficult to do, but now that I'm getting the hang of it, it's so good for my overall emotional well-being. It also makes me much better at my job. My favorite line in this set of the lyrics is underlined... "I'm gonna hurt to feel better." This goes with what I've said above... I want to feel my pain. I want to allow my whole being to experience the physical and emotional pain that comes with the heartaches and breakdowns. But after it's all said and done, I will feel better. I promise. I'll come out of it on the other side better than before. And I won't apologize for allowing myself the time and space to feel my feelings. I'll handle it. Tomorrow. On my time.

"Don't want to cheer up. Don't feel like smiling. To hell with looking for that silver lining."

Some days, I don't want to cheer up or smile. I do. Because I have clients and others that rely on me temporarily masking my emotions for them. I can't carry the weight of my world into their space, because let's be real, there are far worse things out there. But on the days I don't have obligations to others, I will allow myself to binge watch Friends and shut my phone off so no one can reach me. The newer version of myself has a fantastic ability to find the silver lining in some pretty shitty circumstances, but when it comes to applying it to my own life, I still struggle. Sometimes, I don't want to find that shit, so I won't even look. I'll look tomorrow. On my time.

         

Not Afraid

I dedicated an entire entry to the roots portion of my blog title, so this one, as you can guess, is going to be about the wings... And surprise, surprise... A 3rd title from Marshall! I think it might be my last one from him, but we'll see I suppose. I am certainly inspired by many more of his songs, I just don't know if I'll have the time/space to include them all. I'm almost done with this project! It's been a lot of fun and super therapeutic for me! Thank you for allowing me the space to do this and for participating in my journey. 

       

Paco is working on my tattoo to encompass the concept of roots and wings. The idea I have for the wings piece of the tattoo is a phoenix... Sort of symbolizing the rising up from the flames. I know I've referenced that before, in my Beautiful Pain entry, I believe, so it's not a surprise to any readers that are still with me.

The values I referenced in my Country Strong entry are things that I intend to carry with me wherever I go in this world. It is important for me to carry those values with me always. They can be applied anywhere I go or in any circumstance I'm in. Respect is valuable anywhere in this world. Hard work is valuable anywhere in this world. And honesty & loyalty, my two biggest components, can be effective in any country or company.

I won't repeat each piece of the roots entry, you can look back if you'd like. I want to focus on where I intend to go and how I want to use my wings. I've got all of these ideas of things I'd like to accomplish. Again, I don't want to be repetitive. You can read my entries about my goals and desire to see what this world has in store for me. I'll try my best not to repeat too many things, but I'm sort of just going to go with the flow.

I chose "Not Afraid" for many reasons. The title in itself is powerful enough to me to symbolize the need to embrace the fear and go after what I want. Sometimes the fear occurs directly before some of the most amazing experiences of our lives. I was terrified to move to Spain and it turned out to be the BEST experience of my life. I was terrified to go travel Europe alone, but it was one of the most rewarding experiences I've had to date. Fear can preceed happiness and extreme contentment and help you to know how to navigate those waters.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand. Everybody, come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm. Just letting you know that you're not alone."

I have gained a lot of confidence this year. I've never really been a person that just sits to the side and watches life happen. I may sit back and watch the lives of others pass by and show curiousity about their stories, but when it comes to my own life, I am fully aware that I am the only one who can make things happen for myself. I'm grateful for the support systems I have in place to ensure that I'm not walking alone through whatever storm I may be experiencing. Because I have such a solid support system, I want to be sure to be that support for others that may be experiencing storms of their own. So, if any of my friends that are reading this is in need of some support, in any way, please reach out to me. I will absolutely walk through the weather with you.

"I guess I to go to that place to get to this one."

I like this part of the song because it is a good representation of the concept that you have to go through the storms to get to the sunshine and rainbows. I've had to go to some dark places to get to the light. But, the major point is that I am here now. I am learning from the storms and darkness and moving forward and trying to be a positive influence on the lives around me. I can use my storms to empower and educate those around me. 

In school, we were taught that there would be peaks and pits; happies and crappies; hits & shits, haha! You get the idea. I pass this on to potential clients in our initial intake to educate them that there may be that darkness before the light and to be prepared for what can be found in the dark.  

"When I say I'ma do something, I do it. I don't give a damn what you think. I'm doing this for me."

One of my favorite lines in the song! I certainly take opinions into consideration, especially those of the people I value, but in this in end, the decisions I make are going to be for me. Prior to this year, I would have to say that a lot of my decisions were more about how others would feel about them. I've always sort of gone my own direction and I love that, but I allowed the opinions of others to weigh very heavily on me as I made those choices. And sometimes I'd give those opinions too much power and I promise that I missed other opportunities because I was dwelling on those opinions of others. Does that make sense? 

In most of my history, if I say I'm going to do something, I generally get it done. That gives me hope for my bucket list! I'm sure that I've said before, but it is incredibly important to me that I don't live with regrets. It is about doing things that make me happy and if that choice turns out to be negative experience, I can learn from it and move on. I don't want to regret the things that I do. It's the things that I don't do that I feel would weigh the most on me. So, no disrespect, but my wings are going to take me to some amazing places and I cannot wait!

"I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly. And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony."

Again, I'm going to go after what I want with everything I have inside of me. Sure, there'll be lazy days and there'll be days that I want to quit or give up, but the important thing is to keep making progress. Allow those lazy or negative days to have their space and time and then let them keep on moving. I will be who I am supposed to be in my personal legend. And for anyone that looks down on me or attempts to bring negativity into my world, I don't have the time or space for them. If someone wants to look down on me, I will tear down the very pedestal they are standing upon. Not in a malicious or even literal way, I will tear it down in my mind and not allow them to have any type of power over me. I'm making GREAT strides in this area in 2017 and it is only going to get better, I assure you.

"And I just can't keep living this way, so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage. I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons. I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground. I've had enough, not I'm so fed up. Time to put my life back together right now!"

Through some of the storms in my life, I have really struggled. It's no secret that I started breaking out of my cage on January 1, 2017 and have made some really amazing progress. I'm, literally, facing my demons through this blog. I'm also having very difficult conversations with others in my life that I've held within me for so many years that I always deemed myself too weak for because of the whole vulnerabilit aspect. Well, here I am... Queen of vulnerability! And it's been incredibly powerful. I literally got to the point that I was so fed up about how I spoke to myself and how I treated myself that I made a decision to quit a lot of the negative shit... Completely cold turkey. 

During one of the storms, in particular, I spoke with my supervisor at my placement site who is definitely on my side, but she's also capable of providing outside input that helps me understand the views of others, if that makes sense. She taught me one of the most powerful things I've learned this year. And it was something that was so... Obvious... I couldn't believe I hadn't figured it out so much sooner. I was frustrated about some interactions with my family and I could not grasp how they didn't understand what I mean when I spoke to them about it. Then, my fabulous supervisor informed me that it is me and only me going on this journey. I'm making changes to move onwards and upwards in my life, but those changes aren't being made by them. They are not going through the transformation that I am. That does not mean I am any better than them! I want to be very clear about that! It only means that my path is heading in a completely different direction and they are content with where they are. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I just can't expect them to understand the changes occuring within me. And I cannot force them to try. I just need to keep moving forward and hope that eventually, they'll all join me somewhere along the journey.

"I've been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger."

This needs very little interpretation. I've certainly made it clear that the storms that have been through my life, though no more or less signficant than any others, have challenged me to the core at times. But very little can be done to the middle finger. Sometimes, I just need to flip a big "F You" to those storms and not let their damage have any control over me. And as always, I will learn from the experience and move on to await the next round of rain. You know, wings can help me fly above the storms, too, so perhaps that's the route I will go in the future. With wings, I shall fly!