Let me tell you something that I have recently learned first hand. I am not the first person to learn this lesson. I will not be the last person. I’m hoping that it is the last time that I feel like this, but in reality, I imagine that I have many more lessons to learn in this area. My discovery? Love is painful. Heartbreak sucks.
No surprises, right? You already knew that. I suppose I did, too, but I am feeling things on a level that I, personally, have never experienced before. I wish I could say that I resented the whole thing so much that I just want to become a hermit and that crazy cat lady in a house out in the country where everyone is too scared to visit. However, I can’t stand my one cat most days that I couldn’t imagine having more than her. And I enjoy my loved ones company too much to shut myself away from the world. So, since that is out, I suppose I have to be open to experiencing this hell again. Let me tell you, though, I am going to be much more cautious & far more aware.
I’m not going to go into the details of who this man is. Those close to me know how much I valued the relationship and that I hoped to include him in my future. Those that know me even just a little bit know how significant it is for me to make such a serious statement about future plans... with a boy... and a family. But that was me. I could picture this relationship with hearts & flowers and shit. And I am NOT the hearts & flowers kinda girl... except it sort of seems that I am. I just have to find a person that brings that out of me. At any rate, I could see myself creating a family with him. I could see myself accomplishing the biggest goal on my bucket list: fall in love & become a mother. Let me tell you, having that vision in my mind and then having that vision disappear in a cloud of smoke is devastating. It is absolutely heart-wrenching pain.
For a moment in time, he & I shared something very beautiful. I refuse to write a hate piece, even though there are days where I feel that route would be far easier. We created a vision together about our future. While the vision existed, it was hazy and so far in the distance that we had to squint to see it. While squinting, it was easy for even a light breeze to blow leaves in our line of vision and blur the image even more. And let’s be real, a “light breeze” in Kansas is the equivalent of tornadic activity. So while we knew what the vision should be, it was incredibly difficult to keep it clear and within sight.
He & I talked many times about how timing played such a huge role in our relationship. He is currently experiencing a lot of stress in his life with work and completion of a Master’s program. I can relate to that hell. I just finished my own version not too terribly long ago. Not only was he experiencing the stress of life in general, he was experiencing pressure and stress from me to give more than he was equipped to give at this moment in time. The long distance relationship, something new to both of us, was far more difficult than I could ever really relay in a single post. Maybe someday I’ll attempt to attack that subject, but probably not. While timing didn’t work, overall, for he & I... He showed up in my life at the perfect time. I could not have asked for better timing in relation to what I was experiencing in my life. He appeared in a non-traditional manner and, without intention, pulled out a side of me that I had absolutely no idea existed. I spent a lot of years hoping that it existed somewhere deep down, but I had never seen any trace of it actually manifest itself, so it was exciting to experience these new things. I honestly didn’t know what to do with it all. It was overwhelming to me, and in turn, became overwhelming to him because I was so unsure about what all of these new things were. On the one hand, it brought out some amazing things, but with those new things came new insecurities. I really made him work so hard for something that I imagine should be much easier.
He is, quite genuinely, a beautiful human being. I hate that our story won’t have the ending we pictured for a moment in time, but I know that I will become stronger and a better person because of my experience with him. I hope that he can say the same from his perspective.
Don’t get me wrong, he was not a perfect person either. I’m not trying to create an image that he is and he would probably be the first person to agree with me. I know that I gave 110% to our relationship and I gave him the very best that I had to give (and then I gave a little more). I knew his circumstances wouldn’t allow him to give everything he had, so I was willing to carry the weight for awhile... Like Samwise carrying Frodo up the mountain. I wanted to believe that it would, temporarily, be enough. I wish that it had been, but I will learn from this and move forward.
The decision to separate was initiated by him, but there were plenty of indications that it was coming. I wanted to believe that “all you need is love” and that it would carry us throw the storms so we could celebrate the rainbows. And perhaps that is still relevant and true. Maybe love is all you need at the end of the day, but that love encompasses many different pieces and those pieces are hard work. I was confident in my love for this man. I wouldn’t have introduced him to some of the most important people in my life (both living and passed on) if I didn’t love him in the best way that I could. I’m learning to adjust the shape and vision of what my love looks like, but I believe that I will always have love for him. He will always have a place in my heart. And I think, in time, we’ll become friends. That image, right now, is hard to establish. The separation is too fresh in my mind that the lines between friendship and partnership are really confusing. I know what the expectations are and I understand the changes that need to come (and will eventually come easily). My head and my heart seem to be two very different entities right now and neither one of them wants to relinquish their claims. I’m working on getting them to communicate in a healthier manner so that they can work together rather than push and pull against each other. It’s exhausting.
Love is painful. It’s painful, but it is also so incredibly rewarding and amazing. To share passion and excitement with another person is an unbelievably euphoric feeling. To connect beyond the surface level is something that I could never regret. Sure it was painful, but it was only painful (for me) because I am losing someone I valued so deeply. How lucky am I that I got to experience that connection? How lucky am I that I could tell him I loved him and mean it with every fiber of my being? I believe that I am absolutely a very lucky lady to have something to be so hurt about. Do I want to hurt? Hell no. But with each step, each forced smile, each text with a friend... the pain will go away. And what will remain is the loving feelings I have for him.
I am hoping that writing this will allow me a little reprieve from the immense amount of heartbreak I’m feeling at the moment. I experience this intense rollercoaster of emotions that vary on a day to day basis. I’m not a fan of rollercoasters. I typically close my eyes and hope that I don’t vomit. It’s actually pretty relevant to what I’m experiencing right now. I want to close my eyes and hide from the inevitable pits and peaks of the heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean they won’t still be there. If I keep my eyes open, I can see what’s coming. I can prepare myself for the next fall, inevitable rise, and eventual leveling out. Some days, I feel sick to my stomach when I consider a future without him in it, but I have a good system in place for getting through that. I have some killer friends and family on my side. I have my journals. And I have a plan in place to get started with my own individual future.
I am not 100% sure why I’m choosing to publish this. Honestly, my private life is something I try not to broadcast. That said, I remember how amazing it felt to spend that month of August last year purging my thoughts and being vulnerable with anyone who chooses to read this blog. That feeling of vulnerability and being so honest with myself is what will help me push publish. I don’t write this to gain any sympathy from anyone, so please don’t make it about that. I just thought I’d write it with the slim chance that maybe someone could read it and feel comforted or affected by what I’m saying & what I have experienced.
It was far easier to talk shit and hate on the person that didn’t return my calls or my feelings when I was in my younger years, but I don’t want to be that person. I’m not going to be that person. I loved this man and I will never be ashamed of that. I don’t want to spend time and energy putting anger and hate into the world... it has far more of that than it needs already. Besides that, having anger and hate towards him would do absolutely nothing to him. It would only affect me and what is the purpose of doing that to myself? No thank you. I choose happiness and I choose to respect what he and I had. I choose to put out gratitude for our experience. That gratitude may manifest itself as tears and frustration some days, but I believe that it will eventually become easy and any emotions I feel surrounding this relationship will be positive ones.
So, yes... Love is painful. Heartbreak sucks. But if you choose to allow those feelings to envelope you and grow and learn from them, it can become such a profound thing. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I will get there. And then, I will open myself up to the possibility of love (and the potential to be hurt) again. Because it’s worth it. I am worth it.
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