Confessions

The year 2012, I am convinced, is going to be a GOOD year. Scratch that, it’s going to be a GREAT year. I have decided to open up the year with a very soul-searching entry. I am going to list 10.5 things that you may or may not know about me. The majority of you probably do not know any of this and it’s a huge step for me to actually publicize it so that others can read it. I don’t really like to show weakness or vulnerability, so this is a big deal for me. Read it or don’t. It’s ok. I’m doing this one for me.

The following is a list of confessions, revelations, resolutions, and a little insight to all of it. That pretty much covers it. It is like a New Year’s resolutions list on steroids. J I would NEVER have done something like this had it not been for this Spanish adventure. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and thinking. I’ve put a lot of things into perspective and I’ve started to look at life in a different way. Spain, among other things, has contributed to this change for me. Whew… Ok… Here we go… (in no particular order of importance)

1. I can sing. Ok, so I’m starting out with something small and maybe not a big deal to any of you. It’s not even a big deal to me, really. I used to sing when I was younger and even did a little bit of the show choir thing in college, but I never even had real confidence in myself then. There were so many other people that were just SO good that I couldn’t hold a candle to their skills. None of you will ever hear me sing, haha, I like to keep my talents to myself. I don’t tend to give myself any credit or compliments. My self-confidence is really low. So, what lies behind this confession is just giving myself a little boost of confidence by giving a little self-praise.

2. My family & my friends are the most important thing to me. So this one may be an obvious thing and something that everyone says, but that doesn’t make it any less true to me. It’s how I feel. And, if I were ranking these confessions, this one would be number one without a doubt. I would be nothing and nowhere without my family and friends as my support system. I’ve met some incredible people along this journey they call life and am so incredibly grateful for each one of them. My family is kind of stuck with me, I suppose, but I couldn’t have asked for a greater set of people to be stuck with. There’s no such thing as perfect, so the saying goes, and my family is far from it, but it works. Dysfunctional functionality at its best. I heart it. And I heart you, family & friends! J

3. Turns out, I’m a romantic. In my time of reflection, I have dug deep into what I believe that I really want out of life. What do I want to be when I grow up? I get asked a variation of that question all the time, as many people do. Truth is (and this is a big admission on my part), I want to be in love and have a family. I want to love someone with my whole heart and have them love me just the same in return. That’s what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t need money or fancy things, I just want to be a part of something great. And what is greater than a family? I cannot believe that I am admitting this to the world. I hope I have the guts to push “Publish Post” at the bottom of this entry. Now, I do want to be clear. I am not hunting for Mr. Right. And I don’t necessarily need to find this person right now or anytime soon for that matter, but just admitting that it’s something I want out of life is a big deal for me. I have just always tried to be tougher and pretend like I don’t need these things. Truth is, there’s nothing more important in life.

4. 2012 is about ME! I don’t know if you’ve heard yet or not, but 2012 is about ME. J HaHa! What I mean by that is, I plan on focusing on myself and making ME a better person. I want to spend more time thinking about what is important to ME and making those things a reality, if possible. This includes such things as making ME a more healthy person; physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I need to work on ME. I need to be honest with myself about everything and not be fearful of others reactions. After all, it’s about ME, not them. J I want to become more confident in ME, myself, and I. I don’t expect perfection and I expect to stumble along the way. I may even fail at times, but in the end, I will fail my way to success.

5. Honesty and loyalty are the most important qualities a friend of mine can possess. I can get down with any type of personality and I can understand and respect the views and opinions of anyone, even if I don’t agree. I am the type of person that, for my family and friends, will go to whatever lengths needed. I like to see my family & friends happy. If I expect my friends to be honest and loyal to me, then you can expect me to be the same in return. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I will be the best friend I can be. I also don’t expect my friends to be perfect and all relationships have bumps in the road. It’s the friends that ride out the storms that are worth keeping. Prior to leaving for Spain, I had the realization that this move will probably bring out who my real friends are. I knew that there would be people I’d lose touch with because, quite simply, life happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. Everyone is living their lives at their paces and sometimes, they just don’t match up with your own. I understand that and I accept that once I am done with this adventure, I may not have the closeness that I once thought was there between some of my friends. And it’s ok. We shall see what happens at the end of this trip, but right now, I am just enjoying the ride. J

6. Happiness and positivity make the BIGGEST difference. I’m beginning to realize how negative I used to be. I used to be pretty negative about many aspects of my life and because of that, I was always unhappy. I didn’t know it, though. The reality of it, anyway. I knew I had bad days and I knew I didn’t take some things very well, but I never saw how truly unhappy I was making myself. Until now. Until this experience in Spain. I’ve been able to really focus on myself and the results are amazing to me. I can’t believe I allowed myself to be so negative. It had a lot to do with my surroundings and situations I was placed in, but I still could have tried a little harder not to let it affect me like it did. I’m not going to promise to have great days every day, but I will promise that I’m going to try to be much more positive about every aspect of my life. I firmly believe that positive thoughts and positive energy will affect me in more ways than I can count. I’m obviously not the most in-shape person, but my small change in attitude has already helped me lose weight and I wasn’t even trying! Imagine the results if I put a little effort into it! And I want to be more vocal about these changes and positive things. I need to give praise where praise is due. So, here’s to an AWESOME 2012!

7. I am a country girl. So, this might be an obvious statement. Many of you (if any are still reading) know this about me and would not be surprised, but let me elaborate. Obviously, I am from the country. I’ve worked cattle, ridden horses, driven tractor, etc. I will always technically be from the country. However, when I say “I am a country girl,” I mean it more in the sense that it’s who I am. Many of the values I have now are because of how and where I was raised. I used to be so annoyed (probably goes back to that negative stuff I mentioned) about having to help work cattle or tamp fence posts. I never got really into the outdoorsy stuff like my brothers either. I know my attitude and some life situations contributed to my thought process, but now that I’m older, I appreciate the Cook Ranch more than ever. I always hear that, “You’ll appreciate it more when you’re older.” So true. I come home now and I don’t want to leave the ranch. I have started getting into the ‘country’ thing and enjoying activities that I could have been enjoying far longer in my life. I LOVE to shoot guns. And, I’m not that bad of a shot. HaHa, I love the smell of gunpowder. J I love to ride 4-wheelers and fish. I don’t mind getting dirty or muddy and camping isn’t an idea that turns me off. There is nothing better than a thunderstorm on the ranch. It is one of my favorite smells! And it is so nice to look up in the sky at night and see a sea of stars without lights or buildings blocking the view. Sure, it’s where I grew up and it’s a part of who I am and who I always will be, but I finally feel like I can say, with confidence, that I am a country girl and that it’s something I am quite proud of. It’s not just a feeling; it’s a way of life. J “This is me. Take it or leave it. My own girl, you better believe it. What you see is what I am and who I wanna be. This is me.”

8. 2012 is about keeping an open mind. I live in Spain. Obviously, I am keeping an open mind about a lot just by making this massive move. But I still tend to be close-minded about some things and I just want to open up and be more accepting and open to trying new things. I don’t want my personal fears to stop me from experiencing great things. For example, I don’t want my fear of heights to stop me from visiting Mt. Olympus or the cliff-side village of Ronda. That’s just a minor example, but the one I came up with off the top of my head. Clint Massey will be making his way to Europe in early June and our adventure is going to provide many opportunities to try new things and experience pieces of culture that may otherwise not been available to us. We can do as much research as we want in regards to the countries we are visiting, but it’s the local customs and people that will provide us with the most enlightening parts of our trip. I think, anyway. I have to keep an open mind about everything because it is not always going to be ‘normal’ by most people’s definition of the word. Not only will an open mind make traveling Europe a better experience, but I think in life, in general, it will help me grow as a person. How can it not? HaHa! So… 2012 is about being open to new experiences, new people, new friends, new traditions… Just… the new. J

9. Don’t be afraid to say what you mean, but be sure to mean what you say. I am getting much better about telling those that I care about that I love them. You really never know when the last time will be the last time and you just always need to make sure those people know that you care. Tomorrow is not promised. That’s always been in my mind, but it’s much more of a reality in my life since my fabulous first cousin, Tina, got diagnosed with cancer. She’s 30 and married with a 5 year old son. While I am still learning about her details, she is a lot of the reason why I want to be more vocal toward the people I care about. Tina’s outlook has been that of strength and confidence. She’s very open about what she is going through. It’s not my story to tell, so I’m not going to elaborate much more. Tina, just know that I think you are courageous beyond your years and I hate that you have to go through something like this. I may not always have the right words to say to you, but the words that I know will always be effective are, “I love you.“ And that will always be true. You inspire me, Tina. I never want the people in my life to question how I feel about them. I never want things to be uncertain or unsaid. I don’t want to be a person that doesn’t say how I feel and regret it later. I don’t like living with regrets. So, my friends, if you hear me say “I love you” a little more often, it’s because I want to be certain you know. And I don’t think that a person can hear those words too many times. J Now, you know that I am not very shy when it comes to speaking my mind in most cases. I like that I am not afraid to say how I feel, but I also need to be more considerate of others feelings. And if I am going to say something, I want to make sure I mean it. I don’t know if this sounds like a broken record to you, but it sounds good to me, haha. J

10. Worry less. Relax more. Man, any of my real friends know that worrying is a big part of who I am. I do it far too much and over things that really shouldn’t be an issue. I don’t want to go into crazy detail about some of the things I worry about because there are far too many things. I worry. About everything. One of the biggest things I worry about is inconveniencing my friends or family. I am a pretty independent person, so I don’t tend to ask for help when I should. Anyway… I need to stop my worrying. It is a big fault of mine. I just need to relax and go with the flow. And Spain is the perfect place to support that type of mentality. Personally, I think I’m much more relaxed than when I left this country 3 months ago. There is no doubt that it has definitely affected me a little. I don’t have to be so organized and I am not working on the schedule of other’s. I am working on my own time and my own schedule. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean that I am not stringing myself so thin that it just wears me out. I can relax and not plan everything down to the last detail. I won’t stop being an organizer. I will always have a little ‘planner’ in me and I think a little bit is quite ok. J I have Spain to thank for becoming more relaxed and Spain to thank for stressing much less.

10-A. Be a better friend, sister, daughter, niece… person. This is a pretty simple statement and doesn’t really need much defining. I want to be a better all-around person and work on each individual role in the meantime. I want to do more for my friends, be more outgoing with my family, and be more certain of and confident in myself. I just want to be a better person. Starting now.

Well, there’s my list of confessions, etc. J If I choose to push the publish button at the bottom of this, I will have exposed myself to a bunch of people that, in any other circumstance, I never would have exposed myself to. You now know my weaknesses. Well, what I have considered weaknesses in the past, I guess. But all of my weaknesses and strengths make me who I am. I guess you’ve just got to take it or leave it. J If 2012 isn’t a great year, then it’s because I didn’t try. It’s because I didn’t let it be a great year. I have a couple friends that are crossing the Atlantic to see me in April. I will be spending half a summer traveling Europe with one of my favorite people in 2012. Not to mention, I will be living in Spain. How can 2012 be bad? There will be no one to blame but myself if it does not turn out to be a stellar year. J If you’re still tuned in, I want to wish you all your best year yet! Cheers to 2012!! Much love!!