I am (potentially) going to become a marriage and family therapist. Marriage & Family. I am going to be working on the foundations of relationships. Yet, I myself, am not in a relationship. I guess I should be specific. I am not in a relationship with a significant other. I am not headed down the aisle anytime soon. And I certainly have no children to raise in this world (some days, I'm really grateful for that... how could I explain this world to a young and fragile mind?). I have had relationships, but it's been a LONG time. I've become so comfortable on my own that it is going to take an extremely strong individual to take me off of this solitary path I am currently walking.
My thoughts are scattered and I imagine that will be reflected in the (dis)organized pattern of my paragraphs... My apologies in advance!
One thing I want most in this world is to be with someone who loves me for who I am (on my good days and especially on the bad). I thought I would be somewhere totally different at this point in my life. I imagined a kid (or two) and being married to my best friend. Man, Hollywood really does a number on you, huh? So does this Midwest mentality... Graduate high school, go to college, get married, pop out kids and then press the next generation to do the same. It's depressing when it's pushed down your throat and you fail to live up to those expectations.
I'm going to continue by saying that I don't think people are intentionally pressing the Midwest mentality down my throat, but it's everywhere I look. It's at family gatherings when I'm the the ONLY single person there. It feels like everyone is looking at me and I have this gigantic neon sign flashing above my head saying "SINGLE & CHILDLESS." It's at the mall when children (I intend that to mean 20 year olds) are walking hand-in-hand with that doe-eyed look on their faces just soaking each other in. It's at the local pool where mothers are pulling their children around in their floaties with the biggest smiles of pride on their faces. It. Is. Everywhere. And maybe it's BECAUSE I'm single and childless that I feel like it's everywhere.
All 3 of my brothers are married. My oldest brother is 8 years older that me, it makes chronological sense that he get married before me. My other 2 brothers are younger than me. The youngest got married last October. Again, I felt like I was the only single & childless person there. Neon sign flashing brightly above my head. I dreaded the amount of times I'd get asked "when it'd be my turn" or "when I would bring someone home," and the likes... It happened 3 times. I'm surprised that it didn't happen more, to be honest.
Perhaps I am just being sensitive. I don't doubt that. I may have a tough exterior and might be a little stubborn, but I am actually quite sensitive. I seriously WANT those doe-eyes I was talking about. I WANT to bring someone home to the family (kind of). I WANT to be the mother of a young mind and help mold that child into a productive and balanced human being. I WANT the fairy tale, the prince charming, and the white knight.
Does that exist for me? Who knows. At this point in my life, I've honestly begun to give up on that silly hope of forever with someone. I don't want to give up, but single and 32 living in a tiny rural town with little to no prospects doesn't really instill hope.
I've been asked, "Have you tried online dating?" Yep. I did a trial run on that new-age trend and failed. Miserably. To be honest, I have seen one too many episodes of Catfish to genuinely believe that I am talking to who they say they are. I don't have enough balls to go meet a stranger for a date. Call me old fashioned, I guess, but I'd prefer to SEE who I'm getting to know in person. I'd prefer to have a conversation face-to-face rather than via e-mail. So, yes, I tried online dating. And no, it was not for me. Kuddos to those that it has worked for, though.
I stay home most of my weekends. One, I'm not the most wealthy person. And two, I'd just perfer to be here. I've been told that I am not going to meet "Mr. Right" on my couch. Or that he's not going to just knock on my door. True. This is very true. BUT, the local dating pool in this small country town is not something worthy of bringing me out of my comfort zone. I don't mean that disrespectfully, but the truth is, the type of people that are attracted to the local watering hole (there is one in this town) are not my "type," I suppose. I realize that I may end up with someone who has a child or has an ex-wife, everyone has a history, so I'm definitely open to those possibilities. But I'm not willing to settle. Obviously, my "type" has not provided me much results, so I am flexible and open to different prospects. I am also not the type of person who is only interested in a "good time" and most of the available (sometimes the unavailable, too) men in this town have a singular interest. Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm getting ready to occupy my available time with studying and papers and all that graduate school entails. My social life, already at an all-time low, will become even less existent. I'm okay with this, I guess. I wish I had someone to come home to, someone to vent all my stresses to... But so far, it's just not in my cards. It may never be. I'm doing my best to accept the possibility (probability) that I could be in for a very solitary life. It's depressing as hell, to be honest, but I'm working on accepting those tthings about me. Working on it... A constant work in progresss...
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