Brand New Me

I have made a new goal for myself this month. I've been sticking to my goals for 2017 to this point and I feel like I need to add something else. Plus, I've been out of grad school for all of 5 days and I miss writing, so I thought I'd supplement that loss with a new project. 

My goal is to cover 31 songs in the next 31 days that has contributed to or directly reflects the progress I have made within myself. They told us that we'd experience a transformative journey when we began grad school two years ago... They were not wrong. 

Why songs? Music is my therapy. I have specific playlists created for my varying moods and emotions. There are specific songs that speak to me in a way that others cannot. If I feel at a loss for words, lyrics flow through my veins providing life, energy, love, and sometimes pain. 

I'm starting with a song by Alicia Keys. It's called Brand New Me (hence the title of this entry). The video is posted below, so give it a listen if you want a very accurate idea of where I am coming from at this moment in time. The video itself doesn't exactly reflect what's going on within me, but listen to the lyrics... THOSE are what speak to me.

https://youtu.be/wOSv1TIa58M

I have decided that vulnerability is going to be a new mode of expression for me. I have always hidden myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable was not an option. The next 31 days will tell the world about me in a way that I am not 100% ready for, but I'm going to do it. I'm doing it for me. I feel like vulnerability can be taken for weakness at times and I've never liked to show that side of me. I feel like I have to be strong because that's how I was raised. "Stiffen up that upper lip," if you will. I am damn proud of my strength. I've been through some emotional roller coasters that has tested the very core of my being and to have the ability to pick myself up after some of those storms is an incredible skill. I value the strength I was raised with. 

For those of you who do not know, I have been on a complete overhaul of myself for the year of 2017. Something inside of me clicked and told me that I needed to get my shit together. I can't pinpoint anything specific, but I just had this realization within me that said I needed to find my happy. Happiness, to me, includes overall emotional and physical health. It includes finding a passion and going after it with everything in my being. It means cutting out toxic people, things, places, feelings, etc. and replacing it with positivity and drive.

I'm not going to post numbers because I'm not THAT secure yet. But I will say, when I woke up on the morning of July 31, 2017, I had lost a total of 52.4 pounds since January 1, 2017. A lot of things contributed to this and will be covered in the next 30 entries. I decided to publish this because I have made it past the 6 month mark and have been successful and as part of my cleansing and happiness, I want to share my story. It's not about the weight, it's about happiness, but to me... I've always had weight issues, so that is a BIG piece of my success. But it's only a piece.

"If you were a friend, you'd want to get know me again. If you were worth the while, you'd be happy to see me smile. I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy finding myself. I got this. I found me. I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay. I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave. Now my heart is open, I can finally breathe. Don't be mad. It's just a brand new kind of free. That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me."

Those lyrics are the best part of the song and reflects my story perfectly. If you don't listen to the whole song, read that paragraph. It speaks volumes.

I am a brand new me.