You Just Can't See Him From the Road

This one is going to be hard. I promised vulnerability and that's what you're going to get. I chose this song to reflect the worst time of my life to date. It happened on January 25, 2017.

https://youtu.be/0fWHoGKlIlc

There's the link of the song. There's no video to it, so you'll just have to give it a listen. This one is for my grandpa.

        

That's my grandpa. He was one of the last true John Wayne's of this world, in my opinion. He wasn't a man of many words, but when he did speak... You couldn't help but listen. The knowledge in this man's head was endless.

Grandpa Dillman was the father to my biological mom. It's no secret to anyone that knows me, Mom passed away when I was one. I'm not going to go into all of that because that's not what this is about. I've obviously had some time to process that, but Grandpa... That happened this year. January 25, 2017 was the worst day of my life. I lost the man that called me my mom's name more than he called me mine. His death was... Unnatural. That's all I will say about that part.

It's no secret that I struggled with his loss. My heart hurt more than I ever knew possible. I couldn't sleep for weeks, yet I struggled to get out of bed. I forced myself to go through the routine that was life with a pseudo-smile on my face. It was all fake. I hid the amount of pain I was feeling behind maladaptive coping skills and emotional suppression. I shut myself off from most of my friends. I cried. More than I've ever cried in this lifetime. I have experienced loss in my life, so why was this one so painful? Why was this one cutting me to the very core of my soul? He was 91... He'd lived a really good life. Death happens, right? Not in the way that it happened to him & I replayed it over & over. 

I sought support from a select few of my classmates, a select few friends, and my own therapist. With that came a realization that I was not only mourning the loss of my grandfather, I was finally feeling the loss of losing my mother. Losing her at one, I didn't understand. I did not know what it meant. This death was the first death I've experienced wholly. I understood what death meant. I understood the gut-wrenching pain that came with losing someone you love. The weight of losing my grandfather combined with an acknowledgment of losing my mom was so incredibly heavy.

I obviously came out of this on the other side, but experiencing this gave me my first true test of 2017. Here I was, working towards a brand new me and the world comes in and knocks me on my ass, taking away the air that I breathe. I wanted to give up on my plans for a happier me. What was there to be happy about? Why should I be happy when there is so much pain?

                           

This man would be incredibly disappointed in me if I gave up. I suffered through the weeks after his passing with the support of some family members, my friends, and my professors, supervisors, and classmates at school. They supported me as I processed the trauma of the loss. They encouraged self-care and healing. They all provided words of encouragement, but ultimately, it was up to me to pick myself up off the ground and continue to move forward. No one else could make my legs take one step at a time. No one else could get me out of bed and brush my teeth or hair. No one else could dress me and get me to Wichita for work or school. That had to be me. I had to do it. I had to do it for my grandpa because I refuse to let him down.

I walk. I try to get in a few walks a week, but I make sure that once a week, I walk to the cemetery and visit my grandpa. It's something I need to do for myself. Sometimes I just stop briefly and tell him I love him before I go visit others who have passed before/after him. Other times, I take the earbuds out and I have a lengthy conversation with him. I'm working towards the healing. I'm not bitter about the circumstances anymore. There is no point in wasting my energy on hate and anger, so I decided to turn that into something positive.

My big brother and I recently got matching tattoos in honor of my grandpa. We got his brand. I added his signature on mine so that I can always have him visible to me and remember his cheesy, new-teeth smile and terrible driving skills in his old age. People always tried to comfort me after his passing and I love the stories and hearing how much impact he had on so many people. I couldn't talk about it in public for awhile because I couldn't avoid the tears, but it's getting easier. 

I will never forget January 25, 2017 for as long as I live. I don't want to forget the pain or the sadness because that helped me learn to allow myself to feel those things. But I don't want to forget the healing either. I've got a long way to go, but I continue to take it day by day and step by step. 

                                     

This was taken from the land I inherited from my Grandpa. I have no doubt that he was right there in that pasture with me... Him and Mom... 

                                     

Sometimes, I decide to take my walk out in the country on my little slice of heaven. I needed an outlet earlier this week, so I went out there where I could run, scream, walk, cry... I saw this lonely sunflower at the top of one of the hills and I just thought it was peaceful. I needed a little peaceful and beauty in my life.

I'm going to close because this one is a long one. It's not easy for me to talk about this, but I'm trying to embrace this vulnerability piece. I felt like it was important to get one of the more difficult parts out of the way in the beginning.

Listen to Chris LeDoux. Grandpa wasn't the first to buy a beer, but he'd sure be the first to buy a coffee or a cachapino (that's how he pronounced cappuccino). He's still out there riding fences and making his living with his rope... You just can't see him from the road. 

  

Brand New Me

I have made a new goal for myself this month. I've been sticking to my goals for 2017 to this point and I feel like I need to add something else. Plus, I've been out of grad school for all of 5 days and I miss writing, so I thought I'd supplement that loss with a new project. 

My goal is to cover 31 songs in the next 31 days that has contributed to or directly reflects the progress I have made within myself. They told us that we'd experience a transformative journey when we began grad school two years ago... They were not wrong. 

Why songs? Music is my therapy. I have specific playlists created for my varying moods and emotions. There are specific songs that speak to me in a way that others cannot. If I feel at a loss for words, lyrics flow through my veins providing life, energy, love, and sometimes pain. 

I'm starting with a song by Alicia Keys. It's called Brand New Me (hence the title of this entry). The video is posted below, so give it a listen if you want a very accurate idea of where I am coming from at this moment in time. The video itself doesn't exactly reflect what's going on within me, but listen to the lyrics... THOSE are what speak to me.

https://youtu.be/wOSv1TIa58M

I have decided that vulnerability is going to be a new mode of expression for me. I have always hidden myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable was not an option. The next 31 days will tell the world about me in a way that I am not 100% ready for, but I'm going to do it. I'm doing it for me. I feel like vulnerability can be taken for weakness at times and I've never liked to show that side of me. I feel like I have to be strong because that's how I was raised. "Stiffen up that upper lip," if you will. I am damn proud of my strength. I've been through some emotional roller coasters that has tested the very core of my being and to have the ability to pick myself up after some of those storms is an incredible skill. I value the strength I was raised with. 

For those of you who do not know, I have been on a complete overhaul of myself for the year of 2017. Something inside of me clicked and told me that I needed to get my shit together. I can't pinpoint anything specific, but I just had this realization within me that said I needed to find my happy. Happiness, to me, includes overall emotional and physical health. It includes finding a passion and going after it with everything in my being. It means cutting out toxic people, things, places, feelings, etc. and replacing it with positivity and drive.

I'm not going to post numbers because I'm not THAT secure yet. But I will say, when I woke up on the morning of July 31, 2017, I had lost a total of 52.4 pounds since January 1, 2017. A lot of things contributed to this and will be covered in the next 30 entries. I decided to publish this because I have made it past the 6 month mark and have been successful and as part of my cleansing and happiness, I want to share my story. It's not about the weight, it's about happiness, but to me... I've always had weight issues, so that is a BIG piece of my success. But it's only a piece.

"If you were a friend, you'd want to get know me again. If you were worth the while, you'd be happy to see me smile. I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy finding myself. I got this. I found me. I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay. I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave. Now my heart is open, I can finally breathe. Don't be mad. It's just a brand new kind of free. That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me."

Those lyrics are the best part of the song and reflects my story perfectly. If you don't listen to the whole song, read that paragraph. It speaks volumes.

I am a brand new me.

Single & Childless

This blog is my outlet, my journal visible for the world to see if they just look hard enough...

I am (potentially) going to become a marriage and family therapist.  Marriage & Family.  I am going to be working on the foundations of relationships.  Yet, I myself, am not in a relationship.  I guess I should be specific.  I am not in a relationship with a significant other.  I am not headed down the aisle anytime soon.  And I certainly have no children to raise in this world (some days, I'm really grateful for that... how could I explain this world to a young and fragile mind?).  I have had relationships, but it's been a LONG time.  I've become so comfortable on my own that it is going to take an extremely strong individual to take me off of this solitary path I am currently walking.  

My thoughts are scattered and I imagine that will be reflected in the (dis)organized pattern of my paragraphs... My apologies in advance!

One thing I want most in this world is to be with someone who loves me for who I am (on my good days and especially on the bad).  I thought I would be somewhere totally different at this point in my life.  I imagined a kid (or two) and being married to my best friend.  Man, Hollywood really does a number on you, huh?  So does this Midwest mentality... Graduate high school, go to college, get married, pop out kids and then press the next generation to do the same.  It's depressing when it's pushed down your throat and you fail to live up to those expectations.  

I'm going to continue by saying that I don't think people are intentionally pressing the Midwest mentality down my throat, but it's everywhere I look.  It's at family gatherings when I'm the the ONLY single person there.  It feels like everyone is looking at me and I have this gigantic neon sign flashing above my head saying "SINGLE & CHILDLESS."  It's at the mall when children (I intend that to mean 20 year olds) are walking hand-in-hand with that doe-eyed look on their faces just soaking each other in.  It's at the local pool where mothers are pulling their children around in their floaties with the biggest smiles of pride on their faces.  It. Is. Everywhere.  And maybe it's BECAUSE I'm single and childless that I feel like it's everywhere.  

All 3 of my brothers are married.  My oldest brother is 8 years older that me, it makes chronological sense that he get married before me.  My other 2 brothers are younger than me.  The youngest got married last October.  Again, I felt like I was the only single & childless person there.  Neon sign flashing brightly above my head.  I dreaded the amount of times I'd get asked "when it'd be my turn" or "when I would bring someone home," and the likes... It happened 3 times.  I'm surprised that it didn't happen more, to be honest.  

Perhaps I am just being sensitive.  I don't doubt that.  I may have a tough exterior and might be a little stubborn, but I am actually quite sensitive.  I seriously WANT those doe-eyes I was talking about.  I WANT to bring someone home to the family (kind of).  I WANT to be the mother of a young mind and help mold that child into a productive and balanced human being.  I WANT the fairy tale, the prince charming, and the white knight.  

Does that exist for me?  Who knows.  At this point in my life, I've honestly begun to give up on that silly hope of forever with someone.  I don't want to give up, but single and 32 living in a tiny rural town with little to no prospects doesn't really instill hope.

I've been asked, "Have you tried online dating?" Yep. I did a trial run on that new-age trend and failed. Miserably.  To be honest, I have seen one too many episodes of Catfish to genuinely believe that I am talking to who they say they are.  I don't have enough balls to go meet a stranger for a date.  Call me old fashioned, I guess, but I'd prefer to SEE who I'm getting to know in person.  I'd prefer to have a conversation face-to-face rather than via e-mail.  So, yes, I tried online dating.  And no, it was not for me.  Kuddos to those that it has worked for, though.  

I stay home most of my weekends.  One, I'm not the most wealthy person.  And two, I'd just perfer to be here.  I've been told that I am not going to meet "Mr. Right" on my couch.  Or that he's not going to just knock on my door.  True.  This is very true.  BUT, the local dating pool in this small country town is not something worthy of bringing me out of my comfort zone.  I don't mean that disrespectfully, but the truth is, the type of people that are attracted to the local watering hole (there is one in this town) are not my "type," I suppose.  I realize that I may end up with someone who has a child or has an ex-wife, everyone has a history, so I'm definitely open to those possibilities.  But I'm not willing to settle.  Obviously, my "type" has not provided me much results, so I am flexible and open to different prospects.  I am also not the type of person who is only interested in a "good time" and most of the available (sometimes the unavailable, too) men in this town have a singular interest.  Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm getting ready to occupy my available time with studying and papers and all that graduate school entails.  My social life, already at an all-time low, will become even less existent.  I'm okay with this, I guess.   I wish I had someone to come home to, someone to vent all my stresses to... But so far, it's just not in my cards.  It may never be.  I'm doing my best to accept the possibility (probability) that I could be in for a very solitary life.  It's depressing as hell, to be honest, but I'm working on accepting those tthings about me.  Working on it... A constant work in progresss...

The beginning of a new adventure...

So it's been a LONG time since I had  post on this 'ol blog.  I guess I haven't had anything worthy to say?  Not true.  I slacked on my blogging obligations simply because I moved back to Kansas... and my life does not provide nearly the experiences that living in Europe provided.  If people want to know about my life, they can call or text now.  They don't have an ocean between us.  At any rate, I take full responsibility for not staying faithful to the blog.  (Not that I have any readers... this is really for me.)

I love to write.  It is a form of therapy to me and has always been super helpful to me to help process things.  I started writing a journal on January 1 of my 6th grade year and kept at it on a daily basis until my early 20s.  I still have a journal sitting next to my bed for emergency situations.  I gotta tell you... Today's 32 year old version of myself occasionally peeks back at the concerns and life stories of the 6th grade verson of myself.  It's entertaining.  There was heartbreak and "love" and anger and resentment... If I only knew what real life was... The whole "hindsight is 20/20 thing..." So much truth.  And I HATE to be the one to admit that my dad was right in so many cases... but here you have it.  I admit it.  

As if my life isn't crazy enough, I decided to throw graduate school into the mix.

Most of my friends/relatives know what my job is currently.  I have been at the same position for over 2 years.  I get to work with kids and that has been an incredible experience.  I love it.  My life is intense and crazy some weeks and I like to complain about it.  I try not to, but I'm human.  

At any rate, I have decided to go to grad school to further my education and explore some new ventures.  I went to my orientation on Monday... They call it a "transformative journey." I'm gonna be straight up with you... I'm terrified. 

Money is one of my biggest fears and stressors, as is true with most people, I'm sure.  The orientation brought things to light a little bit.  My life is about to kick the crazy up a notch or 20, it sounds like.  I knew it was going to be on a new level, but they scared the 'you know what' out of me.  They had me sign a paper of commitment to the program that said something about knowing I'd need to change my choices and be prepared to commit to the time necessities of this program.  I'm going to be straight up... my first thought was... "What about my Chiefs season tickets?!'  Is that bad?  Hey, I do have my priorities... and the Chiefs are one of them.  

I had already made up my mind that I would not be going to ALL the Chiefs game, but I have a couple lined up that I absolutely REFUSE to miss.  I'll make it happen.  I'm told that self-care is going to be super important going through the grad school thing.  Well, my self-care is the Kansas City Chiefs.  Arrowhead Stadium is my happy place.

I just realized that I have not even mentioned what I am going into... I am going to become an "LMFT" - a licensed marriage and family therapist.  My ability to psychoanalyze details of life is going to become my source of income... assuming I pass and all that.  (There's that pesky little detail...)  I have some specific interests in mind... I'm curious about sex therapy and/or sports psychology as extra branches of my degree.  We'll see.  My dream job: Being on the payroll for the Chiefs as a therapist.  That's a long way down the line, though.  

After orientation on Monday, I had to call my friend, Emily.  She's been through the program at Friends (Friends University is the school, by the way).  She's already an LMFT and can provide me very solid and reliable information about what I'm going to be going through.  And she's a WONDERFUL sounding board for all of my freak out moments.  I imagine I'll have her on speed dial come August.

I'm really questioning if I can pull this off.  I like a challenge.  I feel passionate about this new adventure, but I am freaking out.  I will be working 40 hours a week and going to school one day a week.  When I have to actually start practicing therapy, I'll have to put in 60 hour work weeks.  How am I going to breathe?!  I won't have a social life at all!  Not that I have a social life now, I guess I need to be honest about that.  So maybe this won't be a big deal.  It's just going to be stressful... I'm told that once I get into the routine of the new schedule, that maybe things will begin to work itself out.  I HOPE that's true.  

I need to get to bed, so I'm gonna close this one out.  I promised I'd get it done.  Well, I tweeted that I'd get it done, I guess.  I'm gonna try to get on this blog thing again... it helps!  I feel like this entry is super scattered, but I'm trying to collect all my thoughts... 

Bear with me!

Endless Summer

It's been awhile...

I know my entries haven't been exactly timely, but to be truthful, my life here isn't nearly as glamorous as when I lived in Spain and was traveling Europe.  I'm not going to bore you all with trivial details of my life, but I will highlight experiences that impact me.  It just so happens that one of those experiences happened last week, June 20th.  Let me tell you about it...

I saw Aaron Lewis June 20th in Wichita, KS.  That's the event.  That's the experience that this entire entry will be centered around.

However, I want to preface that event with a backstory.  For those who saw my YouTube video (and actually read the description, lol), this will be repetitive, but it's important to me to repeat it.  

Here we go...  I traveled Europe with my best friend last summer.  One of our stops was in Amsterdam.  The highlight of our Amsterdam stop was seeing Pearl Jam at the Ziggo Dome.  You can refer to my Pearl Jam and Amsterdam entries for a deeper look into those experiences, but I want to highlight (again) my favorite part of the Pearl Jam experience.  According to Pearl Jam's website today (June 27, 2013), Release has been played live 132 times.  I was fortunate enough to see one of those times in Amsterdam and I was in awe.  I LOVE the song and when Eddie performs it, you just FEEL the passion and emotion behind it.  I know everyone develops their own connections with songs, lyrics, musicians, etc.  I developed a connection with Release when I first heard it.  And it is something I will not ever lose.  I'll take it to my grave.  Below is the link for my Pearl Jam YouTube video of Release.  The video itself isn't top notch by any means, but if you close your eyes and listen... it's incredible.  In my opinion.

http://youtu.be/ed70TifBTTw

Fast forward to April 2013.  I got this new app on my phone.  It's called Bandsintown.  It is an app that tells you any and all artists in whatever location you desire.  I mean that it tells you local musicians playing at local bars to the best of its ability.  It also syncs with my music library and highlights the artists I have in there.  This is where I first saw Aaron Lewis was on tour.  I had actually mentioned not a month before that I would LOVE to see him live.  He'd be on my bucket list of musicians to see.  I quickly typed in my areas and found that he was going to be in Wichita.  I immediately purchased tickets.  6 to be exact.  I hadn't even made plans with anyone else to go with me, I just knew I was going -with or without anyone else- I'd worry about that later.

I had seen a YouTube video of Aaron covering Release.  It was in 2008, I believe.  Putting that song with his incredible voice was like a mixture made in heaven.  I knew that I just HAD to see it live.  About a month and a half before the show, I got it stuck in my mind that I would tweet to Aaron Lewis every day asking him to cover Release for me.  I'm realistic, I knew it was a long shot, but that didn't stop me from trying.  And it worked.  He replied to a tweet after about a week and told me to keep reminding him.  LOL-that was probably his mistake, haha.  I sent him a tweet every single day, sometimes two or three times a day.  He replied again a week later keeping my hope very much alive.  Then, it wasn't until the night before the show that he replied again.  You could say I was pretty confident he would cover it for me.  The night of the show, a couple hours before he went on, I got two more replies from him!  I was SO incredibly pumped!!  The opening acts were very energetic and fun, but I could not wait for them to get off stage so Aaron could come on!

I listened to Staind and fell in love with Aaron's voice a long time ago.  I heard 'Country Boy' and knew I'd love his country endeavor as well.  His passion, his courage and conviction to stand behind everything he says, his leadership and devotion to his family and his country - I could list a hundred different reasons to follow this guy, but I don't need to.  His music speaks for itself.  I got his Town Line EP.  I gotta say, if I ever get married, I have a feeling Tangled Up in You will be involved in that wedding somehow.  The Road, which is the album he was touring for, was also great.  I have my favorites on that album, too, - Granddaddy's Gun (reminds me of growing up country), Lessons Learned - the whole damn album!  When I heard his cover of 'What Hurts the Most,' Oh. My. Gawd.  I could FEEL it. 

Aaron Lewis live is honest.  Raw.  You get what you see and if you don't like it, well, fuck off.  Of my concert experiences, his has been the closest to hearing it as it is on the album.  I never took my eyes off him.  I just watched him do what he went there to do.  There were no flashing lights, no big bangs or special effects to 'wow' the crowd, no obnoxious requests to have the crowd 'repeat after him' or scream as loud as they can.  In fact, he didn't move from the center of the stage except for when he was entering or leaving the stage.  I was fortunate enough to be front row center.  I had a prime view for an incredible performance.

I had my sign that had 'Release' on it, just in case my hundred texts weren't reminder enough.  I made eye contact with him as I readied my sign to put up.  When I heard the intro to Release, I seriously started shaking.  I had my camera ready at the end of almost every song in case Release was going to be the next one.  Honestly, I was hoping for a little shout out, haha - maybe as that annoyingly persistant tweeter, but a shout out none-the-less.  After the show, however, I realized that the whole 'what you see is what you get' thing is exactly that.  He rarely talked in between songs.  He did what he came to do.  And when he was done, he was done.  And he did it well.  Anyway, when I heard that Release intro, I gave my camera to my friend to do the recording so I could just focus.  He was covering Release.  For me.  It was incredible.  Unbelievable.  I have seriously watched the video multiple times daily just to keep riding my high.  Below is the video my friend shot for me with my phone.  It is me yelling "Thank You!" in the middle of my favorite verse (verse 2) and it is me he smiles at.  

http://youtu.be/8mr6Js_hNpI

I read reviews of previous shows and some of them were very disappointing and a little disturbing.  Some people didn't even know they were going to see country songs performed (and were angry that he had the nerve to play these songs) and to those people, I am just shocked that they don't follow Aaron Lewis close enough to know that this is the path he is currently on.  I get that people have a connection with his Staind roots - that's where mine started, too.  But that's not where he's at right now and his voice is still that amazingly deep, passionate, silky voice.  It's still Aaron Lewis.  I guess I'm just saying if you like someone, truly, then you like them and you support whatever road they take.  You don't have to like the type of music, but you sure as hell don't have the right to criticize someone for following their own passion.  Soapbox done.

I think the show was awesome.  My friends (I had no trouble finding takers for my tickets) and I still talk about the show and are considering getting tickets for his Kansas City performance in August.  Maybe I'll start a new tweeting venture to try and see Simple Man this time.  I feel like he would do an incredible justice to an amazing Skynyrd song.

I know that he isn't likely to read this, but I would like to thank Aaron Lewis for making his show an impacting experience in my life and for covering Release for me.  Like many experiences that impact my life, I tend to get a tattoo reflecting that experience.  I've got ideas running through my mind about what I could do to reflect this experience.  Maybe I'll add to my Release piece.  Hmmmmmm

I bid you farewell.  I enjoy writing entries for my own personal benefit and reflection.  I need to get back into it... Maybe I will... Until then...

"I'll ride the wave where it takes me"

Been too long...

So, I know I said that I'd keep up on my blogs even though my life is no longer 'exciting.' I live in small town, USA, and work as a glorified housemaid. I really enjoy what I do, don't get me wrong. That's just an easy way to describe what I do without giving too many details away. I work in the healthcare business and there are crazy privacy laws. Gotta respect that!

Honestly, I've been sticking to my routine and just doing the work thing over the last 5 1/2 months. Pretty much the same thing day in and day out. There have been a few noteworthy outings that I've probably covered on Facebook, but I suppose if there are still people that check this page, I can repeat it...

I was able to go to a couple K-State games... one football and one basketball. Both times, K-State was victorious! And I got to meet the legendary Bill Snyder. I kid you not, I was shaking so badly when I met him. For those of you that don't know who that is (most likely my European friends, lol), he is the football coach for K-State. He's a celebrity where I come from and it was truly an honor to meet the guy. He is such a humble and amazing person.

A little reminder

Channing Joann

October 13, 2012

 

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't questioned my decision to stay in the US.  On multiple occasions, those regretful thoughts have ran through my mind.  But yesterday, I was reminded why I chose to stay.  My reminder came in the form of a 7 lb 4 oz little girl that made her appearance into this world.

 

My new niece, Channing, was an excellent reminder to me as to why I chose to stay here.  I also got the pleasure of watching Lynnon when Trent and Abby delivered their new addition.  Waking up with Lynnon and getting her around and excited to see her little sister was really fun.  I definitely can't regret the decision I made when I look at their little faces. 

 

I just wanted to make a quick entry and welcome the little lady into the world.  I'm excited to watch her grow up close by instead of overseas.  It would not have been as nice hearing about the news over the distance.  I'm glad I got to meet her on her birthday.  Congratulations and much love to my brother, Trent, his strong wife, Abby, and their little daredevil, Lynnon.