Country Strong

My whole blog is called "Roots & Wings," right? Well, I thought it only appropriate to dedicate an entry to the title of my blog. This entry is going to focus on my roots. The song is from the same titled movie. I don't want to give anything away about the movie, so I won't elaborate about that part in relation to the song, but here is the link for it:  https://youtu.be/YN4tTY7SOvc

      

"On the outside, I look fragile. But on the inside is something you can't crush."

There is an activity I do with many of my clients that is called a "Me Tree" and it's a fantastic representation of the whole roots and wings piece of life. I want to encourage them to recognize the foundation in which they were built and the potential they have within them to do anything they desire. The discussion also allows us to discuss some of the things we can let go of, including some of the negative parts of our foundation. It's one of my favorite activities and allows me to reflect on my own roots and wings regularly. I have a tattoo in the process of being drawn that is a reflection of my attachment to the whole concept. I can't wait to get it (hoping it will happen when I'm in Europe in February so the artist can be there)! 

"I have weathered colder winters; longer summers without a drop of rain. Push me in a corner & I'll come out fighting. I may lose, but I'll always keep my faith."

 

These pictures come from the Anderson Creek Fire in 2016. While they are not, technically, part of 2017. It's part of what contributes to my roots. I have learned a lot of skills and characteristics growing up where I did. Resilience is one of them. Composure through stressful circumstances is something that has been tested on many occasions (and is the reason I selected these photos). The first picture is from my family's ranch and the second picture is from my grandpa's land, some of which I now own. 

The top picture is of our family dog, originally Garrett's. He was taking a break on a hot summer day by playing in the cattle tank. We lost him not terribly long ago. That was a tough loss for our family. We've had to bury many pets throughout my life and none of them have been easy, but Grandma's pet, Lady, and Rambo were the toughest pills for me to swallow for sure. It doesn't ever become easy, but it has helped me process loss on a different level. Pets become extended family members and invaluable lessons in developing love and friendship. I was able to see this when Rambo passed away through the eyes of my nieces, who were experiencing the loss from their young minds. But they had the opportunity to interact with such a wonderful dog and develop a love and friendship with him. 

To go clear back to my younger days, I was taught some pretty incredible values. It would be ideal if I could say that I welcomed the lessons in life with open arms, but that would be an incredible lie. I was pretty resistant to authority in my house, so in the moment, I certainly would not have given any credit to my Dad for 'teaching' me anything. 

As a grown up, haha, I can look back and give credit where credit is due. I was able to learn respect for my elders, something that this present tense generation is seriously lacking. I learned the value of $1 by working for $2/hour for my dad. I was tamping fence posts in the heat of the summer, driving tractor, hauling hay, and working cattle, etc. So that leads me to the next value I grew up with... Hard work. I complained... A lot... Growing up. But I did what I had to do because my dad wouldn't accept excuses. 

I was taught that family is incredibly valuable and it is important to lean on them in times of need. I've adapted this to fit my life in the present day. Family does not just equal blood. My family has grown to encompass friends that have became my family and they are people I know I can lean on in times of need. It may take me a minute to allow them into my circle, but once they are in, I trust them wholly. That has carried into my adulthood.

Something that I sort of bucked as a growing person was honesty. I wasn't incredibly honest and I got in trouble for it more times than I can count, but because of that I have gained a deeper value in the importance of honesty. I do not like being lied to, like at all. I can now understand why my dad got so angry if I tried to lie my way out of things. I didn't back then, but I certainly now have a deeper connection with honesty and value it highest among the traits I look for in others. I don't need people to sugarcoat shit, I would far rather hear the truth from the jump. Because that's what you'll get from me! 

Loyalty is something I carry up there with honesty. I don't know how much I learned about loyalty growing up, I think I developed that more as I became an adult. It's something that I think is incredibly important and is another characteristic I look for in my relationships I develop as an adult. To be honest, I credit Eminem with a lot of that. Haha! Does that sound ridiculous?! I don't care. And I don't have to justify it to anyone. If you knew his music and story from the beginning, you'd understand completely. Nix Yoxall might be the only one I know that can relate to this! Haha!

I promise you that I will always value these roots. I am not afraid to fight for what I believe in. As the lyric states, you can push me into a corner and I will come out fighting. I'm not just going to sit idly by as you attack me or my people. I have gained a different understanding of what 'fighting' may entail, however. It doesn't have to mean with words or physical aggression, per se, as I'm sure you all are aware. I can gain more positive and effective results by practicing differentiation. Rather than stooping to the level of others in the interaction, I can practice the ability to control my own responses and step outside of the situation in the moment and not make it worse for anyone. I can take the heat, I suppose, but walk away a better person because I know that I did not take a low road to achieve a victory that is more fleeting than anything. My victory is more within me. I have the opportunity to grow from inside and that level of fighting is, most often, the hardest. At the same time, it is also the most rewarding. That certainly does not mean I feel as if I am perfect! I hope this paragraph doesn't come across as arrogance because that is the farthest from what I am trying to get across. While my ability to practice differentiation and take the time to process before responding has grown tremendously in 2017, I have plenty of room to grow. I'm pretty sure I always will.

'Cause I'm country strong. Hard to break. Like the ground I grew up on. You may fool me and I'll fall, but I won't stay down long. 'Cause I'm country strong."

       

A "cute" picture of me and my dad in my youth... This guy is one of the biggest contributors to building my foundation. I've had to make my own adjustments as I have grown into an adult, but the foundation was set by this guy.

Lose Yourself

Second appearance for Marshall! You all had to know he'd be a repeat resource, right? Because... Obviously. 

                                 

   

"If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it? Or just let it slip?"

I am going to focus this entry on my own personal bucket list. I have an extensive list of things I'd like to see or do in this lifetime and I thought I'd concentrate an entry on that. I don't want to let opportunities pass me by and I will definitely take those opportunities as they come, but sometimes, you have to make things happen.

I'm a list maker. Every time I leave for a trip of any sort, I write down a list. I check it multiple times and cross things off as they are packed or completed. Currently, as I type, there are two different lists of things that need done on my coffee table. One is long-term and the other is today. On each week of my calendar, I have a sticky note on the top right corner where I can write down things I need to do as they come up. Lists everywhere! So it makes sense that I have a bucket list, literally, written up. 

The picture I began the entry with is something that was on my bucket list that I got to check off in 2017. I wanted to become a certified scuba diver. I was fortunate enough that my "little" brother wanted to go on the adventure with me, so that was an added bonus to my experience. Going through it with him made it a very memorable experience for me. And while he got the hang of most things much quicker than I did, I have to mention that I knocked out the navigation piece of training when Trent's compass took him well off the path, haha! We had to spend our training with a partner the whole time for safety and accountability purposes, so it was pretty cool that I got to learn to trust in Trent on a different level. Visibility in the lake was not real clear, so you have to keep really good track of your partner. They reinforce it like crazy and you have to develop safety plans if you and your partner get separated. There were a few times I lost sight of him and, for me, it was really scary not knowing where he was. Being underwater and unable to verbally communicate adds a new dimension to communication skills. A couple times, in my head, I was freaking out as to where he was. This also reinforces mindfulness and deep breathing because, again, you're underwater and if you freak out, that could be dangerous. It was such an awesome experience and we're already trying to figure out a plan to get back underwater. I cannot wait to get to an ocean with so much more visibility! That's still on my bucket list... Take pictures of beautiful things underwater in the ocean. 2017 has allowed me to get one step closer to that item by getting certified! Also in this area, I would like to experience diving with dolphins, whales, and sharks! I can't wait to experience marine life in their natural habitat! How cool is it that I get to say that I am among the small percentage of people that get to say they can see the world beneath the waves! So. Freaking. Awesome!

I just want to highlight some of the bigger things on my list. One of them, I dedicated a whole entry to, actually. I want to fall in love. That's a big one. Since I've already gone into detail about that, I'm not going to in this entry. Some of the things on my list are on a smaller scale, like owning a Pomsky (google it... They are adorable) or flying first class. Other things are going to require some extensive planning and some financial stability. All of them, however, are within reason and possible!

I would really love to go on safari in Africa. Again, I'm big on seeing animals in their natural habitat, so I think going on safari would be an absolutely incredible experience. That's probably the biggest one on my list. I would also love to see the pyramids in Egypt in person. Hiking Machu Picchu gave me the opportunity to realize how small of a piece I am in this gigantic masterpiece that is our world. It really made me appreciate things on a whole different level. Another item on list is visiting every stadium in the NFL. This one will take a lot of time. I'm biased, but I believe that Arrowhead Stadium is the greatest NFL stadium on Earth! So, to prove that in my mind, I need to see every other stadium to validate my belief. I've only made it to two others so far. I've been to Mile High in Denver. That was a really good experience with family and friends! I was able to get to NRG Stadium in Houston last season. It was my first indoor stadium experience and that was definitely awesome in the Houston heat. So, I have 29 more to go! Haha! Holler if you have the hookup! I am trying to get to Jerry World in Dallas this year, so we'll see if I can't get another one crossed off in 2017!

     

There are a lot of places I want to visit, of course. I want to visit New Zealand and Bali. I want to have those tropical dream vacations of Bora Bora or Fiji. I won't turn down any opportunity to travel if it presents itself, but those are some of my highlights. Seeing the Northern Lights would be pretty cool, too. I've been to Ireland, but I think it'd be cool to experience St. Patrick's Day from there or Oktoberfest in Germany. Someday!

Perhaps the most serious on my list and not something I talk about with many (yet here I am mentioning to the 'world'), is that I would love to be a mom. Does that count as a bucket list item? Or should it be more of a goal? I think I would rock being a mom, especially now that I have so much knowledge about the development of the brain and the importance of attachment from the womb and beyond. My age will become a factor at some point in regards to a natural conception/birth, etc., but I am also not opposed to adoption or other options if needed.

Probably the cheesiest of things on my list is to ride in a hot air balloon over something beautiful. I don't just want to go up in a hot air balloon, I want it to be overlooking something incredible. I'm terrified of heights, but I like to challenge myself if I can, so this would allow me to experience something magical while challenging my own fears. 

I hope I can experience some of these with a partner in crime, but that is not going to stop me from going after what I want in this life. It would just enhance the experience! So... Here's to the beginning of really going after my bucket list! I encourage all of you to think about yours. What's on it? Are you doing anything to make progress in achieving those items? I'd be curious to compare! If you haven't, you should put pen to paper (or type a 'note' on your phone). Having a hard copy helps hold you accountable and supports visualizing success. It also allows you to make changes as needed and literally be able to cross things off (or delete) as you make progress. It feels really good to be able to cross things off, I promise!!

Go big or go home, right? 

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it. You better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime."

Please Remember

      

This post is to my cohort. Cohort 49. I can promise you that none of you would be reading this right now if I hadn't just spent the last two years on a transformative journey with 32 other people. I would never have had the courage to type these words, let alone publish them for the world to read. Are you kidding? Be vulnerable? Hell. No. So this one is for them. #bestcohortever

Here is lyrical video to the song if you want to hear/read it at the same time. I'm going to post most of the lyrics throughout this post, though, because they are significant enough.

"Sometimes the time just slips away and you're left with yesterday, left with the memories. I'll always think of you and smile and be happy for the time I had you with me. Though we go our separate ways, I won't forget, so don't forget the memories we made."

Dear Cohort 49,

My life has changed tremendously in the last 2 years and I have our graduate program to thank. So basically, I have all of you to thank. Sure, the supervisors and faculty have had to guide us through our journey and for them, I am definitely grateful, but you all were in the thick of it with me, so I feel like a little more credit is due in your direction.

I went into the program with my walls up high. Not because of the program, but because of who I felt I needed to hide from the world (me). I had spent my lifetime to that point sitting comfortably behind a very thick, very tall wall. Then came our program and meeting people that wanted to make the world a different place. You guys threw me a banana. With hesitation, I took it. And with each consecutive banana, I felt like I took an extra brick or two off of my wall. Clearly those walls have come tumbling down and, as you can see, I'm showing the world what vulnerability looks like (to me) in its rawest form! That is because of you people. You have shown me that it is okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to make mistakes. You have exposed me to so many different points of view and have helped me transition into the person I am today. I will be forever grateful for the 49ers (this is the ONLY way I will accept that as ok... because we all know I am a Chiefs fan for LIFE).

I treasure the time we had together and I want to wish you all the very best of luck as you go out and change this cruel world into something more tolerable and beautiful, one client at a time (since relational pieces are no longer required). I appreciate each of you and, in your own ways, you've contributed to who I am as a person and therapist. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

With so much love,

Ashley C

"Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say. And it's sad to walk away with just the memories. Who's to know what might have been? We leave behind a life and time we'll never know again."

"And how we laughed. And how we smiled. And how this world was yours and mine. And how no dream was out of reach. I stood by you, you stood by me. We took each day and made it shine. We wrote our names across the sky. We ran so fast. We ran so free. And I had you and you had me. Please remember."

      

   

I Kissed A Girl

...This was never the way I planned... not my intention. I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion. It not what I'm used to, just want to try you on. I'm curious, for you caught my attention...

Have I caught yours?

This little entry is going to be about HUMOR! I am very curious how many of you clicked on the link to the blog and thought, "oh shit, it's about to get real in here!" or something to the likes of that? Be honest! HaHa!

I was trying to think of creative way to do a post about the importance of humor and how I have tried to incorporate it into my life on a different level. I looked up a couple fun songs that I thought might work, but then this song popped into my head for some reason. And I actually laughed out loud (like, seriously). In my head, I thought, "well, that will get the attention right away!" HaHa! I hope it worked. If not, well... I tried. And your sense of humor is boring. (Just kidding... but am I?)

Humor is so incredibly important. If you can't laugh at yourself or the way that life works out (or doesn't) sometimes, then what is the point? I have been surrounded by sarcastic assholes most of my adult life, so I've certainly gained a better appreciation for the funnier side of life. Humor can be found in so many different places, too! You just have to be aware and willing to allow it in. It's healing, so you should certainly allow it space!

Like for instance... say you wake up in the morning and get out of bed. Your leg/foot, however, stays asleep and when you step out of bed, your leg buckles and you hit the floor. This is all hilarious until you realize the wall is right beside you & you nearly knock yourself out hitting your head because, let's be real, who is expecting this to be the first thing that happens in the morning? (PS: This really happened to me)

A few profane words come out of my mouth (I have a very pretty vocabulary sometimes) and I allow my leg some time to wake the hell up and get with the program and then go about my business of getting ready. Well, while getting ready, I am curling my hair and the straightener drops out of my hand. Natural instinct is to catch it, right? Well, it's a freakin' hot iron and in your haste, you don't have control of which end you are attempting to catch. A few more naughty words come out of my mouth...

I continue on with my day and little things keep happening... Like, I dropped the same damn pen about 20 times (probably like 5 or 6 really) or I knock my knee on the desk or I take a drink of water and it spills onto my shirt. You know, no big deal! These are usually the days that I catch the very end of my favorite song on the radio or am 1 minute too late for Sonic's happy hour or whatever. You get the idea!

My day is close to being over and as I am walking into the house, I slam my finger in the screen door. More profanity. Luna (my cat) doesn't seem to give a shit, but hisses at me anyway because I'm yelling loudly (the profanity, remember). Well, this pisses me off, so I direct some of the profanity in her direction (because she totally deserves it) and go to place my purse on the table. It falls off, spilling all of its contents... I cuss some more. I eventually made it to bed that day, but the whole day was just one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed... You ever have those?

The point I am trying to get at is this... I was really grumpy that day... all day. And I'm quite sure that I didn't hide it well. I tend to wear my feelings on my face. However, when I tell this story, I literally cannot stop laughing. It's f*#king funny! In the moment, I may have punched you in the face if you laughed at me, but now... I can't get through it sometimes because of my own laughter.

I now try really hard to incorporate humor specifically on days that are rough. I actually try to make a comment to myself or laugh about it so that I don't let frustration in. If I allow that to come into my world, then I am, most likely, going to put it back out into the world. And I don't want people to have a bad day because of me and my attitude. This is huge for me in 2017. I, too, am a sarcastic asshole sometimes and I would not have it any other way. My humor can be inappropriate at times and if you say yours isn't, you're lying. Embrace it! Enjoy it!

I Turn To You

This one is for my crew... my people... my homies... the ones who are always there for me... mi familia sin sangre... I'm not going to name drop in this one. You know who you are. When I think about friendship and putting into lyrical format, this Christina Aguilera song is one of my favorites.

       

"When I'm down, you're there pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got."

I don't suppose I need to go into a crazy amount of detail here, but I'll do my best. I have some really solid people in my corner that have had to work overtime this year to help support me. Even when they were enduring rough waters of their own, they were still putting energy and effort into helping me stand tall. I truly don't believe I could even really relay how significant these people are in my life. Again, you know who you are. I am so incredibly grateful for the consistent and unrelenting support from you. I could never express my gratitude enough.

"For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on, for everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you."

Some of the storms of 2017 were pretty torrential, if I'm being honest. You know some of them through this blog, but there are others that won't be mentioned. My closest supporters do know about these storms. Some of my supervisors and classmates through school became an extension of my own person at times. Then there are those lifers that have been on my side from the first day we met. It takes a lot for me to let people inside my walls, but those that have made the climb and have been allowed inside are absolutely invaluable to me.
  

"When I lose the will to win, I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again."

There were numerous times that I felt like quitting or giving up. There were times where all I'd want to do was cry and the tears would not come. When I wasn't able to find the light in the darkness, they lit a match.

"When I need a friend, you're always on my side, giving me faith to get me through the night."

Seriously, I can't express my gratitude enough. Like, to my people: You have absolutely no idea how much you've impacted me and how incredibly fortunate I am to call you my people. I am forever thankful.

"For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain. For truth that will never change. For someone to lean on. For a heart I can rely on through anything. For the one who I can run to."

I turn to you.

Much love.

Despacito

Let me begin immediately by saying that the title of this entry has NOTHING to do with the actual lyrics of the song. The song, a song I love (yes, even the Justin Beiber version), is a sexy and seductive song, obviously in Spanish, haha, but that's not what I'm going to reference in this entry. It's meaning in Spanish is "slowly." I wanted to reference a Spanish song to sort of acknowledge that piece of me... plus, I just like the song...

Why 'slowly?' It is because I need to learn to practice patience a little more. It's something I struggle with and I've been trying to understand why it is such an issue with me. I need to slow down and relax much more often. What is the point in moving through life so quickly or trying to force something? Recent situations in my life have made me really ponder about my issue with practicing patience, so I'm going to use this outlet to process it. Any insight would be welcome!

                       

I decided that I'm going to use a lot of quotes in this entry. I searched to find some that spoke to me and what I would like to achieve in the future as I continue to make progress in my life. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, so why should I want to take the easy route? Obviously, it would be a quicker way, but what about all the things I could miss through the process of getting to the endpoint. So quote number one... I may actually make this my wallpaper so that I have to read it every day. That's also something I try to do as this newer version of me unfolds. The more I say it out loud and repeat it to myself, the more I believe it. Patience is a huge piece of the mindfulness puzzle that I am trying to put together. When I know something for certain or I believe in something so deeply, I just want to get to it quickly. But all good things come in time, right? Right. I just have to keep that on repeat!

  

This one is totally me in a nutshell! It is a perfect reflection of what I am currently experiencing and being challenged by. This struggle applies a lot to relationships of mine in the past and present, but I'm hoping to make enough progress that it has less power over the future ones. This is one area where the "go big or go home" mantra should not be applied. I often want something so badly that I tend to press it too quickly and end up ruining it before it evens begins!

I am totally guilty of over-thinking and analyzing. To be honest, I think that has increased since I joined my profession as a therapist. It is now my job to analyze body language, voice tones, etc. Because I practice that regularly, I tend to carry it over into my personal life. I don't feel like it's completely negative, though, because it definitely makes me much more aware of things and capable of reading between the lines.

I'm certainly a dreamer. I have big dreams and imagine big things for myself. While my dreams/goals are within reason, sometimes I set my expectations a bit too high. And when they don't get met, I am really critical of myself first. And then, I become very negative about whatever circumstance I'm in at the moment. I question things. I wonder what I did wrong or how I may have made the situation worse.

Enter worry and doubt. As you've learned, I have struggled with being a "Negative Nancy" for a lot of my life. It's something I am working very hard to change. In doubting myself for so much of my life, that has made it much easier for me to quickly doubt others. Maybe I question their motives or doubt their authenticity. It says a lot more about me than it does them, though, that's for sure. While I am very much gaining ground in the positivity department, I need to trust in others and give them the opportunity to succeed before I automatically go into doubt mode.

I remember someone telling me that "if you worry, does it change the outcome?" I can't remember who that was, but it stuck with me! And I remind myself of it all the time when I begin to let worry creep in. Me worrying about the situation is not going to change how it turns out, so essentially, what is the damn point? Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so I just need to let it be, right? So much easier said than done, obviously, but I am working on it. And it is getting much better!

Here's another point to support the importance of positivity. I let that doubt or negativity sink in and patience essentially becomes non-existent for me! I have become so much more positive, so the good attitude piece is coming along quite nicely. I just need to add it to the waiting part.

I try!! I need to work on finding constructive things to do in the meantime. As I've said, I'm an over-thinker. If I am allowed too much time to sit idly with my thoughts, then that increases the probability that I will let the thoughts become victorious, if you will. To be honest, I'm not really sure I ever stop thinking. I was told recently that my mind runs like a "hamster." It's the first time I'd been told that and it was like a light turned on in my brain! It's so true, but it's also giving me a lot of credit. I think my mind is more like a hamster on speed. It doesn't stop. So! To the point of this quote, I need to find something else in the meantime, right? I have Chiefs football starting soon, so that'll definitely be a resource for my energy and thoughts. BUT! With that adds 4 hours on the road (one way) and I tend to do a TON of thinking in the car... so is that even accurate to say it'll take away from my constant wheel of thoughts? Perhaps not. When I walk, I listen to music, but the lyrics make me think. (The whole blog is dedicated to this, right?) The more I type and process this, the more I feel like this quote is an impossible task for me! I don't know what to do in the meantime. I don't sleep well at nights because my mind races... when does it stop? No clue.

Ok! Here's one I can say that I understand. Equifinality!! We learned this in the first week of school. Essentially, there are SO many ways to get to the same result. I may have a specific plan in mind or a way that I have imagined it going, but the result can be reached in a billion different ways! I get this one. I like this one. I practice this one. If you haven't read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, you should. It is a resource that I have used on many, many occasions to remind myself to enjoy the journey and allow myself to learn from mistakes along the way. Read it!

This one is super deep, haha. Much more than I intended to go in this entry, but I wanted to note a couple things that stood out to me and why I chose to include it. I'll begin with the patience piece since that is what this entry is about. The thing I wanted to highlight is that it says to be patient with both friends and enemies. I like that it acknowledges that you still need to practice patience with those you may not be aligning with. By doing this, you can allow things to just be as they are and accept people for who they are... without raising expectations and hopes that they will "change" to get better. In school, we were told, "When people show you their true colors, believe them." Too often, I get caught up in trying to change those colors or make excuses. How is that going to benefit anyone? It's not.

The second thing I want to pull out of this quote is the compassion for self part of it. I was speaking with a coworker the other day about self-esteem and self-confidence. She said she'd recently read an article about how we needed to change the way we phrase that. Confidence can lead to arrogance if not managed appropriately, but if we practice self-compassion, we learn to love ourselves on a different level. It's not about being confident for others, it's about loving who we are... flaws and all.

I don't think I really need to say anything else about this one. It is absolutely directly to the point & an amazing little quote. Soak it in!

I want to end on a note that gives myself a reframe and a positive spin on this patience practice I need to work on. If you think about it, on one hand, I'm incredibly patient. Look at the weight loss goals and my push for a complete emotional overhaul in 2017. That stuff did not happen overnight. I've had to practice patience with myself, especially on the days that the scale would go up instead of down. I have to constantly remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I just need to apply that same concept in all areas of my life. I'm completely capable. I just need to get out of my own head!

A final thought I have about this topic is that part of my need for instant gratification is totally culture-based. Our culture moves at warp speed. We always have something going on and need to get things done to move on to the next thing on our list. Fast food & 2-day shipping have contributed to the society as a whole becoming less patient. There is an expectation that we need outcomes immediately. When I moved to Spain, I took my American fast-paced way of life with me. I quickly learned that everything was "tomorrow" and I needed to adjust my own personal expectations to fit my surroundings. I was stressed about it for a long while, but once it became habit, it was wonderful! When dinner would take 3 hours (and not start until 10:30, mind you), I became much more grateful for the time spent where I was and who I was with. I no longer needed the quick answer or that instant fix. I became flexible to my environment. I feel like that's what I need to remember here. I came back to the states and, while I would say I'm still (more) relaxed, I have certainly gone back to the need for a quick fix. I need to take what I learned and applied while living in Spain and practice it here. I'm not saying fast-paced is bad. I just need to move a little more "slowly." Des-pa-cito.

Bawitdaba

This entry will be a unique one, as well. I am going to focus solely on one person. I obtained his permission to use his name and add him to my story and I'm so incredibly excited and honored to write this entry.

Brad McDonald is my big brother. His journey has not been the easiest, we'll just say that. He beat cancer as a child... Twice. He's had to fight for his life on many occasions, enduring things that most people (fortunately) will never have to experience. This guy is a hero in my eyes.

So... Brad McDonald and 2017... Why is it important to acknowledge him NOW? I mean, he's been my brother my whole life, so why is it this year that I choose to write a piece about him? As you can imagine, I will tell you...

Brad & I had to endure one of the most painful experiences (emotionally) of our lives together on January 25, 2017. You can refer to my Day 2 entry for further details if you haven't read about it. For those of you who have not, it was the day we lost Dillman Ash, the staple of the Ash side of our family. And the father of our mother who we also lost in 1984. That type of experience, that type of pain, bonds people... Or it should. Fortunately, in our case, it did. I can't speak for him, but I never expected to have to help plan a funeral for my grandpa or deal with managing his unattended affairs. That type of shit can tear a family apart! And it's something Brad & I discussed through the whole experience. Regardless of what happened or how, we wanted to maintain our relationship. I think it was important that we vocalized that from the beginning. Having our expectations verbalized from the start helped make them become a reality. Our grandpa, by sheer definition, was a saint. If our relationship would have suffered because of his passing, we would have been doing an incredible disservice to one of the greatest people that walked this planet. And WE got to call him Grandpa!

                     

To honor the man we got to call Grandpa, Brad & I did something that was so incredibly meaningful to me. We got a permanent piece of him tattooed on our skin in his memory. While I certainly love tattoos and that is no secret, this one will have a very special place in my heart because I actually got to experience it with my brother. We sat by each other's side as the other got tattooed (which was sort of necessary as our artist was not really a conversationalist & I don't know if you know Brad, but... He's a talker). ALL of my tattoos mean something to me, but this one goes a little deeper because of who I was with and that we got the same symbol (his brand) representing our grandfather. Forever, I can look down at my wrist and see my piece and not only will I think of Grandpa... I will think of Brad and the bond that grew bigger in that moment.

      

                     

Grandpa was a very prepared man in nearly all areas of his life. He often spoke to us about how he wanted things divided after he was no longer on this earth, even when I asked him not to (because I didn't want to think about that). Because our mother passed away, Brad & I inherited what she would have. So we are now landowners. It makes you really value things from a different perspective. Even in death, he continues to pull us closer together. The following photos were taken on a walk in late June on some of my land. I'm confident Mom and Grandpa were coming through loud and clear in each photo.

                            

As I've stated many times, this journey of mine in 2017 is about me becoming a healthier and happier version of myself. To maintain success, I need people in my corner to support me. I know that it's up to ME to make the choices, but having a positive support system is absolutely essential to continued success. This year, one of my biggest supporters has been Brad. He seems to know exactly what to say when I need to hear it. And he's not afraid to tell me something I don't want to hear. He's not afraid to tell me the truth even if it hurts a bit at the beginning. And one of my FAVORITE things about Brad is that he's just a blunt person. He's not afraid to speak his mind. And he's loyal. I can talk to him about anything, good and bad, and if someone is hurting me or making me feel like less of a person, he is ALWAYS willing to be the first in line to defend me. His loyalty is evident and again, vocalized. That's something that I have always treasured about him, but this year has added a new dimension. 

The following two pictures were at my awards recognition ceremony in May. He came up to support me in my academic affairs and took me out for supper afterwards. I'll let you decide which picture is more appropriate to who his is as a person... (Hint: it's not the top one)

It is NO secret that I love my Kansas City Chiefs. I am fortunate that my big brother shares that passion. I have had season tickets for a few years now and Brad just secured a set for this season. I LOVE going to games with him. I'm not a dummy when it comes to football. I know quite a bit for a "girl," but my big brother is a referee and knows his shit when it comes to calls. If I have a question about the validity of a call, I can ask him and, as in all of his life, he's honest... Even if it means the Chiefs get ANOTHER penalty. On the flip side, when he starts to yell or complain about a call, I know the ref messed up because he would never disrespect another referee. We've spent many games on the sidelines of Arrowhead pregame festivities and it's been some of the best memories ever! Travis Kelce came and stood between us while holding the flag for the National Anthem once! I was swooning and Brad was trying to start a conversation, haha!

Another thing that I admire incredibly about my big brother is that he is so unafraid to go after anything that he wants. He won't hesitate to walk up to anyone and start a conversation. Once, as we were walking off the field at Arrowhead after the flag holding, he simply walked up to Dustin Colquitt (his favorite player) and shook his hand wishing him good luck. He's got guts and I admire that. So in 2017, I've tried to use him as a model for going after the things that I want without fear or reservation. What's the worst that could happen? Trust me, there are far worse things out there to worry about! Just go for what you want and own it. That's something Brad has helped me in attaining.

Top picture is me, obviously passionate about my team, with big brother fixing to head to Arrowhead for the final game of that season. He was initially a little embarrassed about my car, but then saw the responses from other fans and approved. Because... Duh. The one on the bottom was taken at midfield of Arrowhead Stadium (the same day Kelce stood between us). Shortly after we snapped this, we were reprimanded for not doing "our job" in putting the flag together. Without missing a beat, Brad just jumped into the conversation and in his Brad way, educated the girl that was reprimanding us that the flag was supposed to be put together before we got there. So we went from getting "in trouble" to having her apologize to us. Haha! That's what Brad is all about! And I love it! Quick on his feet!

So, clearly I have not referenced the title of the entry yet. Does it make sense? HaHa! I reached out to Brad for suggestions and this comes from him. When the defense comes on the field, Bawitdaba hits the crowd and sends chills through the spine! Defense is when the stadium is at its loudest, obviously, and gives me goosebumps just thinking about it! Can't wait to get there this season! At any rate, there is no set of lyrics that I am going to reference because let's be real, there aren't any applicable to a "life lesson." It's more about the meaning for Brad and I. 

My rockstar brother, y'all!