I dedicate this entry to the woman that gave me life and the woman who I never got to know… My mother. Happy Birthday.
I’ve been finding it very beneficial to be open about my feelings. In many ways, it has really helped me as a person to talk about things. I’ve made very public statements about or to my family and I’ve shown a side of me that many people don’t know about, including some of my family. It’s proved to be positive results, so I’m going to continue on with that pattern.
My mom passed away when I was one. That’s no secret. Her birthday is the end of this month followed closely by the day she passed away. As hard as I try to not let it affect me, it does. One might think it would become easier to cope with over time, but I can’t say that that’s true. Not for me, anyway. If possible, it’s become more difficult. There are things that happen every day of my life that I want to talk to her about or advice that I’d like to get from her from a mother’s perspective. It hurts every day knowing that I didn’t know her. There are many members of the family and some of mom’s friends that have opened up about her and have attempted to show me sides of her that I will obviously never know. To all of those people, I am eternally grateful. It makes me feel good, but at the same time, makes me feel sadness and even a bit of jealousy toward those that did get to know her.
Throughout my life, I’ve had motherly figures outside the family unit that have been a very positive and helpful influence on my life. I feel like they deserve a little recognition and public gratitude, so I’m going to name a few names. Kathy Neu (Petermann), Annie Bergmann, and Jill Blurton, to name a few, are three people that have been as close to a mother figure that I could have had. A couple of them knew Mom personally. All of them have been super supportive through some rough situations in my life. I am forever grateful to them all.
Don’t think that I am forgetting to mention the other, most obvious, mother figure in my life. I’m not forgetting about her, I’m just going to give her more than a sentence or two. Janet Cook. Our relationship hasn’t always been the easiest and I‘m not going to pretend that everything has been perfect. Far from it. Both of us have had situations in life that have affected us. And that’s not something I intend to go into here and now. What I am going to go into, though, is the day that we made a change. March 1, 2010. I remember specifically the day because it was the anniversary of Mom’s passing and I had went home to visit her grave. Anyway, that evening marked the beginning of a new friendship and understanding between us that has yet to falter, in my opinion. We both moved forward cautiously, but have never looked back. We opened up a line of communication that, had it been there our whole lives, might have made us the best of friends from the beginning. Better late than never, so the saying goes. It’s proven true. I have found a friend in Janet that I never would have thought possible. I think she’d say the same thing about me, too. I hope, haha. We are improving our relationship on a steady basis and I couldn’t be happier to have a constant motherly figure in my life. I don’t want to go into details that dive too deeply into what our relationship was, is, or will become. Quite frankly, that’s between the family and Janet and I. I’ve gone this deep simply because I want to take an opportunity to publicly give Janet the praise that she deserves. Janet, I’m extremely grateful that you are a more significant part of my life. I’m glad we haven’t looked back and I look forward to the future. Thank you for becoming my friend. That’s what it boils down to. Friendship. Thank you for being my friend.
That said, I will briefly go back to the focus of my entry. Mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her. The terrible circumstances surrounding her passing has been a very difficult thing for me to attempt to grasp and overcome. I’m not sure I’ll ever be fully successful in overcoming it, to be honest. I can accept it and move forward in my life, of course, but there will always be situations that arise that will affect me because of my mothers history. I know that my mom is with me every day. I know she is here and I know she looks after me always. I feel her presence and I speak to her on a daily basis. I just wish she could talk back. J I only had 484 days on this planet with her, but I guess that’s better than no time at all. Everyone tries to tell me that “everything happens for a reason.” While I get the idea behind that, I still have a very hard time accepting it. There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t wish for time with my mom and the opportunity to get to know her. Never. However, I am also very aware that if she were here, then I would be without some very important people in my life. I would never have known Trent, Garrett, Janet or any extension of her family. There wouldn’t be a Reese, Aidan, or Lynnon in my life. And quite simply, I cannot imagine my life without any of that. I don’t want to. I know Mom looks after me and I hope that I make her proud. I am never alone in Spain because she is right here with me. She’s my Guardian Angel and you all should be jealous that she’s pretty BA. J
Rest in Peace, mom… I love you…
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