Nobody Knows

I can't believe that I haven't put a Pink song in an entry yet! First of all, she's absolutely an amazing singer and performer. Secondly, her songs are so incredibly powerful. She's literally got something for every mood. I'd never watched this video prior to writing this entry, but it's actually quite good. Give it a watch/listen if you're feeling up to it. https://youtu.be/Z_l4pa0IkOo

                                  

                                         

This entry is going to focus on insecurity. I could, literally, find something wrong in any picture of me that exists. I've said before that I would ask people to remove a picture off of The Facebook many times because I just couldn't stomach the idea of that picture being available to the public. 

My insecurities run deep. I've had more than 30 years of them piled on top of each other. There have been moments of happiness with brief success at beginning to just like myself, but I have never (to this day) loved myself. It's something I am really working on this year by challenging my negative thought patterns. It is a daily struggle and I imagine it might always be. 

Obviously my biggest insecurity is my physical appearance, weight being at the top of that list. Your environment plays a big role in shaping who you are and that includes the positive and negative. I have always struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. As I've stated before, when it was brought to my attention, I turned to food for comfort and then the cycle just continued without end. I'm trying to end that cycle now, though. I don't want to focus on the past because that's exactly what it is... the past. It shaped me, but I'm not going to let it define me. I've never fit society's expectations or definitions of "pretty" and it was always abundantly clear that I didn't. While I certainly have heard my fair share of people attack me for what I look like, it wasn't their words that hurt as much as the words I said to myself. That's the shit that is heavy as hell.

                                                       

                                                

                                        

 

"Nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls. I think nobody knows."

I was speaking with a friend the other day who is experiencing some weight loss of their own. As we were speaking, we both identified that we know we have had some recent success in losing the weight, but when we look in the mirror, we still see ourselves at our heaviest. When I'm out & about in the community, I still feel like people look at me and judge me based on my appearance. Now, sometimes, I don't give a shit because it's a sweats and hoodie kind of day and you're just going to have to deal with it, haha. But I'm talking about the days that I actually make an effort to be presentable and I still feel stares or hear comments and I can instantly revert back to the little girl being told she'd never be a cheerleader if she was fat. Triggers exist everywhere! Words hurt. They hurt when it comes from people you love, but, as I said, the words that do the most damage come from within us. Our private thoughts have the most power and it really is an ungodly amount of power. 

"Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, the one I used to hear before my life made a choice. But I think nobody knows."

Here, for me, lies a conundrum, I suppose. There are times I would love to lose the voice within me, but in reality, I would really love to just change the voice within me. I need her there. She gets me through a lot of shit. She calms me down. She suggests music to lean towards to help manage my emotions. She guides me safely to the light in the darkness. She's my homie. But man, she can be a bitch sometimes!

I just noticed that I refer to the darkness and light a lot throughout this project. It must be something weighing on my mind. And when you get down a little further in this entry, you'll see it again...

"Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown and I've lost my way back home?"

This is the question. Who? Who will be there after all of my angels have flown and I feel as if I've lost my way? I hope with my whole being that I never lose all of my angels, both living and that have passed on, so I will always have some guidance. I am truly confident that that will be my story, but what would happen if they all decided to give up on me? That type of loneliness is not something I am prepared to deal with or experience. I believe that I will always have an angel with me; angels in my friends, my family, etc. But also those that have passed on. I believe they'll always have my back no matter how heavy the weight I carry may become.

"It's win or lose, not how you play the game. And the road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name, but I think nobody knows."

See.. I told you... Darkness. I realize that everyone has their own insecurities and the same concept that mine are not better are worse than anyone else's applies here as well. I cannot speak on behalf of others, so obviously this is just my own reflection. 

I have this inredible battle with always going to the negative side of things first. I may misinterpret a text message or read into something too much and my initial response is negative. I start by blaming myself and being very critical of myself, but then I start applying to the situation and attempt to place blame elsewhere to help 'ease' my mind. That doesn't work. Like at all. It's not about the situation or the other person. That situation or person is bringing forth my own insecurities and I am the one allowing them to have the power to dwell in my mind. I need to work on this so much. It is a HUGE issue for me. 30 plus years of being validated by the negativity, whether in my mind or by the words or actions of others, certainly makes this climb quite a feat. But I am working on it and that's the best that I can do right now in this moment. 

                     

I love this quote. A friend posted it on their Facebook page and I had to save a copy. Think about it. It's so true. I am increasing my curiosity so I can find out what it is within me that is allowing me to sit with the insecurities so quickly. During school (I know I reference that a lot, but it's a large part of my transformation, so I guess you'll have to deal with it, haha), they taught us that we tend to let the negative thoughts come in our brains and stick like Velcro. We dwell on them and allow them to make themselves at home in our mind. On the flip side, when the positive thoughts come in, we tend to let them bounce off like Teflon, in and out in a moment. My goal is to switch these two pieces. It's a really tough task! But I'm working on it!

"Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart. The way I do when I'm lying in the dark and the world is asleep. I think nobody knows but me."

You all are certainly gaining a larger understanding of who I am through the words of this blog (if you're still with me, of course). But ultimately, no one can be with me at all times. No one knows the way my heart and mind work except me. So to go back to the theme of all of my entries... It comes down to me to change it. It is not easy, as I've said before. I get too much into my own head. I'm capable of seeing both sides of the coin and, deep down, I have a solid understanding of the reality of the situation. I'm just trying to get that voice to be louder than the voice of "Negative Nelly." She's sort of a nuisance. 

I promise that the next entry is going to be a little more upbeat! I've had a few in a row that are a little sad, but necessary to get out of the way, haha! So I promise the next one is going to be more upbeat! Thanks for reading!!

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

I challenge ALL of you to not pump your fists during this song. Seriously, you can't do it, can you? https://youtu.be/LatorN4P9aA

I feel like I'd be doing an incredible disservice to my youth if I didn't (well, also my Fort Hays days) if I didn't include Journey in my journey, haha! (See what I did there?) While I connect to so many Journey songs, this one is probably my favorite and I will jam to it endlessly when it comes on my playlist. And yes, I pump my fist like there's no tomorrow! Prior to this entry, I had no idea there was an actual Journey video for the song. It cracked me up to watch it. It's so old-fashioned and amazing! Take the time to watch it. Those clothes! HaHa!

                                                 

I realize the song is more about letting go of a great love and wishing them well, while still loving them in your heart. So I'll stick with that theme. Past great loves that shaped who I am today and wishing them and any future relationships well. 

"Someday, love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you how we touched and went our separate ways. If he ever hurts you, true love won't desert you. You know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways."

I can count on one hand the amount of times I could say that I was really "in love" in my life. I am fortunate to say that, though, and I realize that. Clearly those loves did not last, but I can also so that I am friends with them to this day. Back in the day, I am sure I wished them ill will and hated the circumstances surrounding our separation, but in my growth and maturity, I really wish them nothing but the very best. 

In keeping with the theme of these entries, I learned something from each person I've loved. I accept the good, the bad, and the ugly and I hope that they can say they learned from their time with me, too. There are songs that take me back to each love I've been blessed to experience. There are places that bring things back. And there are smells that take me back to school dances and football games.

In my heart, I will always have love for them and what we shared in those moments.

"If you must go, I wish you love. You'll never walk alone, take care my love. Miss you, love!"

I just hope that these words apply to me. I hope that true love does not desert me and will make itself known in the future. I hope that I have the opportunity to share my life, my story, and my vulnerabilities with a best friend who becomes my lover. I want to travel and see the world with someone. I want to create a family and raise baby Chiefs fans with someone. I have to believe that love will find me. In speaking with a friend over the weekend, she encouraged me to continue on the path that I choose for myself. If someone wants to join for the ride, then that's great, but I need to focus on my priorities and what makes me happy in this moment. The decisions I make need to be for me and not for the benefit of someone else. 

I believe he's out there. I believe that true love won't desert me. I also know that someone may come into my life and become a soulmate in passing. For them, I can apply this song as well. I will learn from them and wish them the best. Someday... Love will find me.

Catch My Breath

The penultimate entry! I chose a song that no one was even close to guessing when I posed the question on Facebook. To be honest, a week ago, I didn't know it was even going to make the list, but it came on my playlist shuffle the other day and I took the time to listen to the words and they spoke to me. I allowed them to speak to me and they moved me enough to include them in my 31 songs of 31 days! Surprised? Read through the lyrics... It may make more sense then. The video is posted on the bottom of the entry, so feel free to watch it. She has a really beautiful voice!

                         

Two years ago...

"I don't wanna be left behind. Distance was a friend of mine. Catching breath in a web of lies, I've spent most of my life riding waves, playing acrobat. Shadow-boxing the other half. Learning how to react. I've spent most of my time...Catching my breath, letting it go. Turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right."

This is exactly me even just 8 or 9 months ago, to be honest. Distance is the first thing I would put between me and whatever scared me or intimidated me. We were besties! I tried so hard to keep up with what others (and myself) expected. I played the puppet on the strings and danced to the music that others suggested was the appropriate beat for me. Not always! But internally, I was fighting a battle to keep up. I became a very reactive person and usually in a negative and dramatic fashion. I'm not going to regret anything because that is part of my story and it contributed to the growth I've made to this point, but sometimes I think about what I could have missed during my impulsive reactions. I can't dwell on that, of course, because I don't want that negativity sitting in my heart and soul. That's why I can relate so well to this song... It's as if she wrote it for me. Too often I turned the other cheek or settled for mediocrity, when I should have faced things head on and shot for the moon. I'm learning, though, so...

Fast forward to the present tense:

"Catch my breath, no one can can hold me back. I ain't got time for that. Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now."

If you don't want to know the truth about my feelings in any given situation, please don't ask unless you are prepared for the answers, including the ones that you may not want to hear. I've paid a lot of money to learn how to say things in a constructive way, so I won't be a bitch about it, I promise. I've always been vocal about my opinions, but not necessarily in a good way for myself or for anyone else. Grad school has made the whole picture that is my life become so much more clear. It really is simple when you are looking at it through a different lens and with an open mind and heart. It's not easy to actually apply at times, but the whole concept makes so much sense! I don't have time for things that are going to hold me back and keep me from my progress. Zero time. 

"Addicted to the love I found. Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud. Making time for the ones that count. I'll spend the rest of my time laughing hard with the windows down, leaving footprints all over town. Keeping faith, Karma comes around. I will spend the rest of my life...Catching my breath, letting it go. Turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right."

In my perspective, the 'love' she is referring to in this set of lyrics is my own self-love. I've become addicted to the need to love myself. I believe that if I can master that, things will begin to fall into place. I used to have a very heavy heart, full of negativity, but I'm working on morphing it into a weightless cloud. And it's working. My favorite line in this set of lyrics is "making time for the ones that count." That is my biggest change in 2017, aside from my physical health. I'm so over putting effort into relationships that do not give me anything in return. I am committed to making time for the people in my life that make time for me. If that means that I have to make choices that are not acceptable to some, I will do that. And I won't apologize for it. I want to spend my time enjoying all of the small things and rather than leaving footprints all over town, I intend to leave footprints all over the globe! And whether or not you believe in Karma, I will put out good juju so that the good karma comes back to me in all her glory. I want to believe that what I put out, I will get back in return. So I'm going to do my part to make sure that what I put out is positive. 

I will no longer be turning my cheek. I'm going to embrace everything and make this my life. It feels different this time. It feels more permanent. You all now have a more clear picture of who I am as a person through this blog. I hope that it has came across very clearly that I am not going to be told what is supposed to be right and how I should be living. This is my life. 

"Catch my breath, no one can hold me back. I ain't got time for that. Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now." 

Enough said. It is all so simple now. I see things differently. I feel things differently. I talk differently. I experience life differently. And it's so much better for me and far more beneficial than I ever imagined!

"You helped me see the beauty in everything."

The "you" in this goes to many things and people. I'm not going to list all of them. They know who they are. I love that the fog has cleared and I'm able to see so much more beauty... In everything. 

Here's the video if you want to check it out!

Rockstar 101

It Rihanna... Can you really say enough about how bad ass she is? Her & Pink are two of my favorite female artists. I chose this song to flip the script on the negative self-talk. 

                                               

Sometimes you just need to feel like a bad ass. What things do you do to make yourself feel like a bad ass? Do you have any secrets? Please share! Obviously music speaks to me, so I tend to rely a lot on it boosting my confidence or helping me process whatever I am feeling in the moment.

It's the edited version, but it still just makes me feel empowered!

I have clearly talked plenty about the bad days, but I'm going to do my best to stay away from that for this entry and focus on the days I feel empowered.

I am trying to embrace my strengths this year. It's not easy some days, of course, but it is something I am working on, like so many things throughout this blog project, haha!

"To be what you is, you gotta be what you are."

I am working on changing my perception of myself. I was talking with a bestie recently and we were discussing how what we put out into the universe is what we get back. So I need to work on putting out the positive energy, so that's what I get back. I've certainly began feeling better about myself since some weight has came off and I believe that has a direct connection with changing my self-talk. I've also really came out of my shell when interacting with others in the public. I make eye contact and smile at more strangers. If I see someone wearing a cute top or shoes, I tell them. I try to engage others in discussion if I'm standing in line waiting to check out at a store. You only get out what you put in... So I'm putting in as much good juju as I possibly can.

I want to be sure to note here that it is not just about the weight for me. I am learning that. It was primarily about that and being lonely that contributed to the negative self-talk, but as I gain strength and confidence, I realize that it's not ever really been about those issues. I am beautiful the way that I am. I may have to repeat that to myself a bazillion times every day, but it's worth it. I don't have to be skinny to make others happy. What I want is to be happy and healthy, in all areas of my life, regardless of what that physically looks like. Just want it noted! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. The inner beauty is what I want to shine through! 

Part of being more positive and embracing my strengths is being more honest and open about how I feel. I have always been an honest person (not counting my youth, haha), but I've never really communicated about how I feel and connected that with my honesty. People cannot know how I feel if I don't tell them. They cannot read my mind. So why not just put it out there?

Part of my confidence building is taking pictures of myself. I've never really been a selfie queen, but I'm working on allowing myself to be sucked into the trend. Not because it's the "cool" thing to do, but because I've spent so much time avoiding the camera. I want to capture moments where I finally feel "pretty" for myself. I may not share those photos with everyone, it's not really about that. It's more about building my own confidence.

                                             

You know you have songs that just make you feel amazing and you just have to jam, right? That's why I chose this song title for this entry. It really doesn't have anything to do with the actual lyrics, but I must say that when I hear some songs, it just makes me feel good. This is one of those songs. I just feel bad ass. I may not be bad ass, but I feel it and that's what is important. I've got a lot of songs that when they come up on my playlist, I find myself reaching for the dial to turn it up a notch or two and I just rock the hell out to it. In my car, in my world... I am the Rockstar, baby. 

                                            

The Sun is Rising

        

This is the view of Machu Picchu as the sun rises over the ancient city.

I know that I focus a lot on my quest to change the negative thinking to positive. It is an absolutely essential piece of my success. I decided that I wanted to focus this entry on my desire to help others through their own storms and the darkness they may be experiencing. That's a huge part of why I went to grad school for the field I'm in. And let me tell you, being a part of the light in the darkness is one of the most incredibly amazing feelings in the world. It is unmatched. It touches you in the depths of your heart.


First and foremost, I cannot even begin to compare what my pain is to the pain of others. What I consider painful may be just a walk in the park to another person. I know I've said it before, but that does not make my pain any less or more significant than that of others. I just want to acknowledge that once again. Everyone has a story, a journey they are on, with mountains to climb and roads to be created. Some chapters may be a bit more sketchy than others, but there is hope at the beginning of that road or at the base of that mountain.


What I want to say with this entry is specifically to those going through some hard times. If you are reading this, please know that you can reach out to me and I will do what I can from afar (or close) to help you. I will light a match in your dark space, as my friends have done for me. I do not care if we haven't spoken for years, weeks, days, or hours... You can reach out to me.


If you haven't listened to this song before, I highly recommend it. The link is at the bottom of the page if you'd like to hear it (there's no official video).  Here we go...


"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting. The future you had hoped for is now burning. And the dreams you held so tight have lost their meaning. And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing. You're gonna make it."


I watch my Facebook feed fill up with negativity all the time. Not just political/racial/etc. negativity, but I see personal pain flow through some of the entries of my friends. While it is my personal choice not to put that sort of information out there for the world to see, I do try to acknowledge those that seem to be going through something. If it's in a comment, a message, a text, or a call... I try to reach out in some way so they know they are thought of and cared for. Just read those lyrics again. Go ahead. I'll wait...


Have you ever felt that before? Like really felt it at the very core of your being? It seems like you can't win and life just keeps handing you shit storm after shit storm and doesn't feel like things will ever get better? You had all these goals and plans for the future, whether that's with a significant other or just on a personal or professional level, and then it's as if a tornado comes along and sucks you in and throws you, in a mangled mess, into the wild unknown?


You will make it. You don't have to go through those things alone.

       

This picture was taken during the Anderson Creek Fire in 2016 from the Cook Ranch. It was a very dark time for our little community, but that sun still arrived every day!

"The night can only last for so long. Whatever you're facing, if your heart is breaking, there's a promise for the ones who just hold on. Lift up your eyes and see. The sun is rising."

We all know that, eventually, the sun will rise. Hence, the title of this entry and the reason behind the post. I'm positive I put this somewhere in the blog already, but I want you to remember that your track record for getting through the bad days is 100% so far & that is incredible! You literally cannot get better than that. Sometimes, all of your effort is focused on just getting out of bed. If that's the best thing you've done with your day, then kuddos to you! That's huge! Don't try to go around the mountain. Just move one step at a time. 

There is not nearly enough education out there, especially in our small community where I live, about the harsh reality that is depression and what signs and symptoms to look for. That shit can disguise itself as pure joy on the face of someone and inside, their world is spinning. You have no idea. I have no idea. They could be coaching themselves to take each step just so they keep moving with a smile on their face. I can totally relate to this when Grandpa passed. There were days where I would literally give myself a pep talk in an attempt to motivate me to move... Just move. While my people knew my pain, I promise you that I can hide that shit well. The sadness behind my smile was incredibly painful and heavy.

I'm not going to turn this into PSA about depression, I just want you to know that it is very real and very prevalant, even in Small Town, USA. So take the time to smile at strangers. Wave at them. Say hello. Something I have taken to doing is random acts of kindness on an anonymous and selfless level. I used to pay for the people behind me at Starbucks, but since I don't drink that stuff anymore, I have taken it to other levels. I use my increased awareness to pay attention to what is going on around me. If I see someone eating alone, I'm always curious about their stories and what brought them to that moment. If I observe their kindness towards the waitress, I may just sporadically go pay for their food and leave. I try to find something selfless to do on a regular basis. That alone could change someone's life. Yes, I said life. One word. One act. It can save a life. 

Again, that darkness can only last for so long. Eventually, the sun will rise and a new day will begin. Take small steps and make easy and attainable goals for yourself. Talk kindly to yourself because you are worth it. 

"Every high and every low you're gonna go through. You don't have to be afraid, I am with you. In the moments you're so weak, you feel like stopping. Let the hope you have light the road you're walking. You're gonna make it."

One of the very first things I start every session with is, "Tell me something good about today." I want to start my time with them off in a positive way. If that something good is merely getting out of bed, then so be it. That's amazing. And I reinforce that like crazy. As the session continues, it usually comes out that there are far more positive things going on than they realize, they are just looking through a negative lens. So I clear that lens for them and I acknowledge every positive thing they do. There will always, always be highs and lows... That cannot go away... But you can get through it. I cannot stress that enough. You are worth it and you will survive the darkness. 

I literally just wrote about allowing yourself to sit with the feelings of weakness in my last entry and I believe that you have to allow yourself to feel it so then you can begin to heal. Allow yourself to fall to your knees and cry, for however long you need. And then know that there are people that will be there when you need a hand getting up. I'll be first in line if you need me. 

Through school, they reinforced a huge key to successful therapy is that the client needs to have hope. The size of their hope can be microscopic, but as long as it's there, there's a chance. It's important for me, as a therapist, but as a friend, to find help the people I come in contact with find something to be hopeful about. 

I'm just going to put in a little plug for my profession right now... But it's so valid for this entry. Therapy can help you, too. I see a therapist and now that I know the benefits, I have kicked myself repeatedly for not getting into it earlier in my life! The relationships and situations I've been through may have had very different endings if I'd had an outlet. So if you don't want to talk to your family or friends, you can always reach out to an unbiased 3rd party and they can be your light in the darkness.

I'm going to close this entry with these last lyrics. Just let them soak in. And listen to the song. She sings it beautifully.

"And even when you can't imagine how, how you're ever gonna find your way out. Even when you're drowning in your doubt, just look beyond the clouds. The sun is rising."


It's just a video of the song, but it's such a powerful song! Give it a listen!!

Strong Tonight

There are only 10 more entries (including this one)! Yeah!! I realize that you aren't required to come here and read my words, but there are still quite a few that are (I have a page that tells me the amount of views). I appreciate the support and feedback. It's been far more beneficial to me than I ever imagined it would be, so regardless of who is still reading (or not), this has been an awesome experience.

       

I looked for a good video for this song, but since it's not mainstream, there aren't any. I don't know if any of you watch the show, Nashville, but that's where it is from. It's sung by Connie Britton. Feel free to look it up if you want. Or add it to your Spotify playlist for those down-in-the-dump days. I'm going to include most of the lyrics through the post, so you'll have a solid idea of what the song is, but feel free to check it out... worth it!


This entry is going to focus on allowing myself to feel weak. There are going to be days, far more often than I want to admit, when I don't feel like doing a damn thing. When one of those storms that I consistently refer to decides to roll into my little world, I have this song to lean on, not my typical coping mechanisms in food or forced solitude, but in music. This song, perfectly, describes how I feel when I just don't want to feel. Make sense?

                              

"I don't want to be strong tonight. Don't want to hear it'll be okay. Don't want to look on the bright side. Don't want to learn from my mistakes."

The fact is, life is not sunshine and rainbows all the time. And if it is for you, I want whatever you're taking because that sounds like an amazing world... Until it's not. Sometimes, I don't want people to sympathize with me. Sometimes, I just want to feel sad, lonely, depressed, worried... I promise that when I need that support, I will reach out to my support system and get it. I just want to feel my sorrow and pain on my own and I don't need a choir singing behind me that everything is rosy when my world is full of darkness. While I realize that I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how I want to learn from my mistakes and move forward, some days, that's just not the case. I'll learn from my mistakes... But not until tomorrow. On my time. 

"I just want to have a breakdown. I just want to let my heart ache. Fall apart and get it all out, leave proof of the pain, tears stained on my pillowcase. I don't want to be strong tonight."

I cannot tell you how many nights I've just needed to cry it out, so I do. It may not be a head-on-the-pillow sort of sweet sobbing. It is, most likely, that ugly ass cry that allows me to feel the sadness leaving my body. Sometimes, I just need to sit with the pain and allow myself to fall apart. I'll pick myself up, just like I always do, but until then... Let me have my breakdown... I'll worry about it tomorrow. On my time.

"I'm tired of holding it together. I'm tired of keeping everything inside. I'm gonna hurt to feel better. Try my best not to apologize. Call me a sad mess, yea, if you want to. Call me a train wreck, I know you're going to."

This was one of my biggest problems prior to this year. I held all of my shit inside. I didn't want to burden others with my problems and didn't feel like it was necessary to involve others. They have their own shit to deal with, I never wanted to add mine to theirs. I have learned so much in 2017 about allowing myself to let it go. I have never talked more about my feelings in my life. And it is SO amazing. It is unbelievably difficult to do, but now that I'm getting the hang of it, it's so good for my overall emotional well-being. It also makes me much better at my job. My favorite line in this set of the lyrics is underlined... "I'm gonna hurt to feel better." This goes with what I've said above... I want to feel my pain. I want to allow my whole being to experience the physical and emotional pain that comes with the heartaches and breakdowns. But after it's all said and done, I will feel better. I promise. I'll come out of it on the other side better than before. And I won't apologize for allowing myself the time and space to feel my feelings. I'll handle it. Tomorrow. On my time.

"Don't want to cheer up. Don't feel like smiling. To hell with looking for that silver lining."

Some days, I don't want to cheer up or smile. I do. Because I have clients and others that rely on me temporarily masking my emotions for them. I can't carry the weight of my world into their space, because let's be real, there are far worse things out there. But on the days I don't have obligations to others, I will allow myself to binge watch Friends and shut my phone off so no one can reach me. The newer version of myself has a fantastic ability to find the silver lining in some pretty shitty circumstances, but when it comes to applying it to my own life, I still struggle. Sometimes, I don't want to find that shit, so I won't even look. I'll look tomorrow. On my time.

         

Not Afraid

I dedicated an entire entry to the roots portion of my blog title, so this one, as you can guess, is going to be about the wings... And surprise, surprise... A 3rd title from Marshall! I think it might be my last one from him, but we'll see I suppose. I am certainly inspired by many more of his songs, I just don't know if I'll have the time/space to include them all. I'm almost done with this project! It's been a lot of fun and super therapeutic for me! Thank you for allowing me the space to do this and for participating in my journey. 

       

Paco is working on my tattoo to encompass the concept of roots and wings. The idea I have for the wings piece of the tattoo is a phoenix... Sort of symbolizing the rising up from the flames. I know I've referenced that before, in my Beautiful Pain entry, I believe, so it's not a surprise to any readers that are still with me.

The values I referenced in my Country Strong entry are things that I intend to carry with me wherever I go in this world. It is important for me to carry those values with me always. They can be applied anywhere I go or in any circumstance I'm in. Respect is valuable anywhere in this world. Hard work is valuable anywhere in this world. And honesty & loyalty, my two biggest components, can be effective in any country or company.

I won't repeat each piece of the roots entry, you can look back if you'd like. I want to focus on where I intend to go and how I want to use my wings. I've got all of these ideas of things I'd like to accomplish. Again, I don't want to be repetitive. You can read my entries about my goals and desire to see what this world has in store for me. I'll try my best not to repeat too many things, but I'm sort of just going to go with the flow.

I chose "Not Afraid" for many reasons. The title in itself is powerful enough to me to symbolize the need to embrace the fear and go after what I want. Sometimes the fear occurs directly before some of the most amazing experiences of our lives. I was terrified to move to Spain and it turned out to be the BEST experience of my life. I was terrified to go travel Europe alone, but it was one of the most rewarding experiences I've had to date. Fear can preceed happiness and extreme contentment and help you to know how to navigate those waters.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand. Everybody, come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm. Just letting you know that you're not alone."

I have gained a lot of confidence this year. I've never really been a person that just sits to the side and watches life happen. I may sit back and watch the lives of others pass by and show curiousity about their stories, but when it comes to my own life, I am fully aware that I am the only one who can make things happen for myself. I'm grateful for the support systems I have in place to ensure that I'm not walking alone through whatever storm I may be experiencing. Because I have such a solid support system, I want to be sure to be that support for others that may be experiencing storms of their own. So, if any of my friends that are reading this is in need of some support, in any way, please reach out to me. I will absolutely walk through the weather with you.

"I guess I to go to that place to get to this one."

I like this part of the song because it is a good representation of the concept that you have to go through the storms to get to the sunshine and rainbows. I've had to go to some dark places to get to the light. But, the major point is that I am here now. I am learning from the storms and darkness and moving forward and trying to be a positive influence on the lives around me. I can use my storms to empower and educate those around me. 

In school, we were taught that there would be peaks and pits; happies and crappies; hits & shits, haha! You get the idea. I pass this on to potential clients in our initial intake to educate them that there may be that darkness before the light and to be prepared for what can be found in the dark.  

"When I say I'ma do something, I do it. I don't give a damn what you think. I'm doing this for me."

One of my favorite lines in the song! I certainly take opinions into consideration, especially those of the people I value, but in this in end, the decisions I make are going to be for me. Prior to this year, I would have to say that a lot of my decisions were more about how others would feel about them. I've always sort of gone my own direction and I love that, but I allowed the opinions of others to weigh very heavily on me as I made those choices. And sometimes I'd give those opinions too much power and I promise that I missed other opportunities because I was dwelling on those opinions of others. Does that make sense? 

In most of my history, if I say I'm going to do something, I generally get it done. That gives me hope for my bucket list! I'm sure that I've said before, but it is incredibly important to me that I don't live with regrets. It is about doing things that make me happy and if that choice turns out to be negative experience, I can learn from it and move on. I don't want to regret the things that I do. It's the things that I don't do that I feel would weigh the most on me. So, no disrespect, but my wings are going to take me to some amazing places and I cannot wait!

"I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly. And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony."

Again, I'm going to go after what I want with everything I have inside of me. Sure, there'll be lazy days and there'll be days that I want to quit or give up, but the important thing is to keep making progress. Allow those lazy or negative days to have their space and time and then let them keep on moving. I will be who I am supposed to be in my personal legend. And for anyone that looks down on me or attempts to bring negativity into my world, I don't have the time or space for them. If someone wants to look down on me, I will tear down the very pedestal they are standing upon. Not in a malicious or even literal way, I will tear it down in my mind and not allow them to have any type of power over me. I'm making GREAT strides in this area in 2017 and it is only going to get better, I assure you.

"And I just can't keep living this way, so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage. I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons. I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground. I've had enough, not I'm so fed up. Time to put my life back together right now!"

Through some of the storms in my life, I have really struggled. It's no secret that I started breaking out of my cage on January 1, 2017 and have made some really amazing progress. I'm, literally, facing my demons through this blog. I'm also having very difficult conversations with others in my life that I've held within me for so many years that I always deemed myself too weak for because of the whole vulnerabilit aspect. Well, here I am... Queen of vulnerability! And it's been incredibly powerful. I literally got to the point that I was so fed up about how I spoke to myself and how I treated myself that I made a decision to quit a lot of the negative shit... Completely cold turkey. 

During one of the storms, in particular, I spoke with my supervisor at my placement site who is definitely on my side, but she's also capable of providing outside input that helps me understand the views of others, if that makes sense. She taught me one of the most powerful things I've learned this year. And it was something that was so... Obvious... I couldn't believe I hadn't figured it out so much sooner. I was frustrated about some interactions with my family and I could not grasp how they didn't understand what I mean when I spoke to them about it. Then, my fabulous supervisor informed me that it is me and only me going on this journey. I'm making changes to move onwards and upwards in my life, but those changes aren't being made by them. They are not going through the transformation that I am. That does not mean I am any better than them! I want to be very clear about that! It only means that my path is heading in a completely different direction and they are content with where they are. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I just can't expect them to understand the changes occuring within me. And I cannot force them to try. I just need to keep moving forward and hope that eventually, they'll all join me somewhere along the journey.

"I've been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger."

This needs very little interpretation. I've certainly made it clear that the storms that have been through my life, though no more or less signficant than any others, have challenged me to the core at times. But very little can be done to the middle finger. Sometimes, I just need to flip a big "F You" to those storms and not let their damage have any control over me. And as always, I will learn from the experience and move on to await the next round of rain. You know, wings can help me fly above the storms, too, so perhaps that's the route I will go in the future. With wings, I shall fly!