This entry is going to focus on insecurity. I could, literally, find something wrong in any picture of me that exists. I've said before that I would ask people to remove a picture off of The Facebook many times because I just couldn't stomach the idea of that picture being available to the public.
My insecurities run deep. I've had more than 30 years of them piled on top of each other. There have been moments of happiness with brief success at beginning to just like myself, but I have never (to this day) loved myself. It's something I am really working on this year by challenging my negative thought patterns. It is a daily struggle and I imagine it might always be.
Obviously my biggest insecurity is my physical appearance, weight being at the top of that list. Your environment plays a big role in shaping who you are and that includes the positive and negative. I have always struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. As I've stated before, when it was brought to my attention, I turned to food for comfort and then the cycle just continued without end. I'm trying to end that cycle now, though. I don't want to focus on the past because that's exactly what it is... the past. It shaped me, but I'm not going to let it define me. I've never fit society's expectations or definitions of "pretty" and it was always abundantly clear that I didn't. While I certainly have heard my fair share of people attack me for what I look like, it wasn't their words that hurt as much as the words I said to myself. That's the shit that is heavy as hell.
"Nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls. I think nobody knows."
I was speaking with a friend the other day who is experiencing some weight loss of their own. As we were speaking, we both identified that we know we have had some recent success in losing the weight, but when we look in the mirror, we still see ourselves at our heaviest. When I'm out & about in the community, I still feel like people look at me and judge me based on my appearance. Now, sometimes, I don't give a shit because it's a sweats and hoodie kind of day and you're just going to have to deal with it, haha. But I'm talking about the days that I actually make an effort to be presentable and I still feel stares or hear comments and I can instantly revert back to the little girl being told she'd never be a cheerleader if she was fat. Triggers exist everywhere! Words hurt. They hurt when it comes from people you love, but, as I said, the words that do the most damage come from within us. Our private thoughts have the most power and it really is an ungodly amount of power.
"Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, the one I used to hear before my life made a choice. But I think nobody knows."
Here, for me, lies a conundrum, I suppose. There are times I would love to lose the voice within me, but in reality, I would really love to just change the voice within me. I need her there. She gets me through a lot of shit. She calms me down. She suggests music to lean towards to help manage my emotions. She guides me safely to the light in the darkness. She's my homie. But man, she can be a bitch sometimes!
I just noticed that I refer to the darkness and light a lot throughout this project. It must be something weighing on my mind. And when you get down a little further in this entry, you'll see it again...
"Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown and I've lost my way back home?"
This is the question. Who? Who will be there after all of my angels have flown and I feel as if I've lost my way? I hope with my whole being that I never lose all of my angels, both living and that have passed on, so I will always have some guidance. I am truly confident that that will be my story, but what would happen if they all decided to give up on me? That type of loneliness is not something I am prepared to deal with or experience. I believe that I will always have an angel with me; angels in my friends, my family, etc. But also those that have passed on. I believe they'll always have my back no matter how heavy the weight I carry may become.
"It's win or lose, not how you play the game. And the road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name, but I think nobody knows."
See.. I told you... Darkness. I realize that everyone has their own insecurities and the same concept that mine are not better are worse than anyone else's applies here as well. I cannot speak on behalf of others, so obviously this is just my own reflection.
I have this inredible battle with always going to the negative side of things first. I may misinterpret a text message or read into something too much and my initial response is negative. I start by blaming myself and being very critical of myself, but then I start applying to the situation and attempt to place blame elsewhere to help 'ease' my mind. That doesn't work. Like at all. It's not about the situation or the other person. That situation or person is bringing forth my own insecurities and I am the one allowing them to have the power to dwell in my mind. I need to work on this so much. It is a HUGE issue for me. 30 plus years of being validated by the negativity, whether in my mind or by the words or actions of others, certainly makes this climb quite a feat. But I am working on it and that's the best that I can do right now in this moment.
I love this quote. A friend posted it on their Facebook page and I had to save a copy. Think about it. It's so true. I am increasing my curiosity so I can find out what it is within me that is allowing me to sit with the insecurities so quickly. During school (I know I reference that a lot, but it's a large part of my transformation, so I guess you'll have to deal with it, haha), they taught us that we tend to let the negative thoughts come in our brains and stick like Velcro. We dwell on them and allow them to make themselves at home in our mind. On the flip side, when the positive thoughts come in, we tend to let them bounce off like Teflon, in and out in a moment. My goal is to switch these two pieces. It's a really tough task! But I'm working on it!
"Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart. The way I do when I'm lying in the dark and the world is asleep. I think nobody knows but me."
You all are certainly gaining a larger understanding of who I am through the words of this blog (if you're still with me, of course). But ultimately, no one can be with me at all times. No one knows the way my heart and mind work except me. So to go back to the theme of all of my entries... It comes down to me to change it. It is not easy, as I've said before. I get too much into my own head. I'm capable of seeing both sides of the coin and, deep down, I have a solid understanding of the reality of the situation. I'm just trying to get that voice to be louder than the voice of "Negative Nelly." She's sort of a nuisance.
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