Strong Tonight

There are only 10 more entries (including this one)! Yeah!! I realize that you aren't required to come here and read my words, but there are still quite a few that are (I have a page that tells me the amount of views). I appreciate the support and feedback. It's been far more beneficial to me than I ever imagined it would be, so regardless of who is still reading (or not), this has been an awesome experience.

       

I looked for a good video for this song, but since it's not mainstream, there aren't any. I don't know if any of you watch the show, Nashville, but that's where it is from. It's sung by Connie Britton. Feel free to look it up if you want. Or add it to your Spotify playlist for those down-in-the-dump days. I'm going to include most of the lyrics through the post, so you'll have a solid idea of what the song is, but feel free to check it out... worth it!


This entry is going to focus on allowing myself to feel weak. There are going to be days, far more often than I want to admit, when I don't feel like doing a damn thing. When one of those storms that I consistently refer to decides to roll into my little world, I have this song to lean on, not my typical coping mechanisms in food or forced solitude, but in music. This song, perfectly, describes how I feel when I just don't want to feel. Make sense?

                              

"I don't want to be strong tonight. Don't want to hear it'll be okay. Don't want to look on the bright side. Don't want to learn from my mistakes."

The fact is, life is not sunshine and rainbows all the time. And if it is for you, I want whatever you're taking because that sounds like an amazing world... Until it's not. Sometimes, I don't want people to sympathize with me. Sometimes, I just want to feel sad, lonely, depressed, worried... I promise that when I need that support, I will reach out to my support system and get it. I just want to feel my sorrow and pain on my own and I don't need a choir singing behind me that everything is rosy when my world is full of darkness. While I realize that I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how I want to learn from my mistakes and move forward, some days, that's just not the case. I'll learn from my mistakes... But not until tomorrow. On my time. 

"I just want to have a breakdown. I just want to let my heart ache. Fall apart and get it all out, leave proof of the pain, tears stained on my pillowcase. I don't want to be strong tonight."

I cannot tell you how many nights I've just needed to cry it out, so I do. It may not be a head-on-the-pillow sort of sweet sobbing. It is, most likely, that ugly ass cry that allows me to feel the sadness leaving my body. Sometimes, I just need to sit with the pain and allow myself to fall apart. I'll pick myself up, just like I always do, but until then... Let me have my breakdown... I'll worry about it tomorrow. On my time.

"I'm tired of holding it together. I'm tired of keeping everything inside. I'm gonna hurt to feel better. Try my best not to apologize. Call me a sad mess, yea, if you want to. Call me a train wreck, I know you're going to."

This was one of my biggest problems prior to this year. I held all of my shit inside. I didn't want to burden others with my problems and didn't feel like it was necessary to involve others. They have their own shit to deal with, I never wanted to add mine to theirs. I have learned so much in 2017 about allowing myself to let it go. I have never talked more about my feelings in my life. And it is SO amazing. It is unbelievably difficult to do, but now that I'm getting the hang of it, it's so good for my overall emotional well-being. It also makes me much better at my job. My favorite line in this set of the lyrics is underlined... "I'm gonna hurt to feel better." This goes with what I've said above... I want to feel my pain. I want to allow my whole being to experience the physical and emotional pain that comes with the heartaches and breakdowns. But after it's all said and done, I will feel better. I promise. I'll come out of it on the other side better than before. And I won't apologize for allowing myself the time and space to feel my feelings. I'll handle it. Tomorrow. On my time.

"Don't want to cheer up. Don't feel like smiling. To hell with looking for that silver lining."

Some days, I don't want to cheer up or smile. I do. Because I have clients and others that rely on me temporarily masking my emotions for them. I can't carry the weight of my world into their space, because let's be real, there are far worse things out there. But on the days I don't have obligations to others, I will allow myself to binge watch Friends and shut my phone off so no one can reach me. The newer version of myself has a fantastic ability to find the silver lining in some pretty shitty circumstances, but when it comes to applying it to my own life, I still struggle. Sometimes, I don't want to find that shit, so I won't even look. I'll look tomorrow. On my time.