I have known that this was going to be the final song for the project from the beginning. It is, quite possibly One of the greatest songs ever made. I'm going to refer to most, if not all, of the lyrics throughout this post.
Before I get started on that, though, I wanted to say thank you for following me on this part of my journey. It's been really awesome getting back to writing. It's so therapeutic for me. I've always used a journal throughout my life... Like, I started in 6th grade and kept one every day until I was 20 or 21. Now, I write whenever I feel the need. It has always been incredibly soothing for me. I've never put as much out there as I have through this blog project, so that's certainly a HUGE step for me. To those that have followed it from the beginning, I appreciate you taking part in this chapter of my story and allowing me the space to be so vulnerable with you. It has been so much more powerful than I ever imagined and has really gotten me to work harder to practice what I preach and be a positive example.
Seriously, this song is absolutely incredible. It encompasses everything that I want to be in this life. This journey through my blog has provided me an outlet to really process how I want my story to end and how I want others to remember me when I am no longer in the physical realm. Skynyrd's words are magic... So let's dive in.
"Mama told me when I was young, Come sit beside me, my only son and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it'll help you some sunny day. Oh take your time, don't live too fast. Troubles will come and they will pass. You'll find a woman and you'll find love. And don't forget, son, there is someone up above."
I don't even know where to start with this! There's so much power behind just a few sentences! First of all, "don't live too fast." I love that. I spoke about how quickly we move through our daily routines in many entries, but how often do we take the time and sit with our feelings or those that are around us and really and truly recognize the beauty that surrounds us and is within us? I am so incredibly guilty of wanting to live life in the fast lane, but I am working daily to remind myself to appreciate the journey and respect the process. I'm learning to be aware of how I respond to different environments and different people and to trust that my heart and my body will guide me in a way that I can grow and learn from.
"Troubles will come and they will pass..." Damn, isn't that the truth!? Storms will roll in, but the sun will rise eventually. And, as I've said before, my survival rate for the troubled days is 100% at this point and I cannot get better than that if tried! In the moment of the storm, I imagine it'll be difficult to weather and think about that sun coming up, but it's not impossible. It's hard to change a lifetime of practice in one way of thinking in a year, so my road to accomplishing this feat will be a rocky one, but it's one I'm willing to take... one step at a time.
I have to believe that I'll find love. And in my vision of this love, I imagine it to be something really amazing that will unlock some pretty legit emotions that I've never experienced before. I've said before that I can count the amount of times that I truly believe I loved someone on one hand (and I don't need more than 2 fingers). But I can't wait to experience love with all of my new knowledge and the new skills I have obtained. I'm going to be so much more aware of things and open to the ideas and influences of others. I will be more accountable for my actions and honest with my partner without fear of abandonment. I hope that what I find is my best friend, someone to share all of my vulnerabilities and every inch of my insecurities with and they still love me the same when it is all said and done. Truly, I cannot wait to experience this. It's the one thing I feel that I am missing out of life. I don't want this to define me, just enhance the me that I am finally discovering and introducing to the world.
When I think of "someone up above," I don't immediately go to religion, I'll just be honest. I'm not going to dive into my beliefs in that area, as I don't think this is an appropriate medium for that. When I think of "someone up above," I imagine the people that I loved and lost. To me, they are the "someone up above" looking after me from another realm, guiding me to find my way. I imagine my mom being at the front of that line. Regardless of where I am in this world, I believe that she is always with me. I believe that she's lovingly nudging me in directions that will enhance my journey, whether that's through situations or people put in my path to make me a better human. I believe in her. And she believes in me.
"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."
Simple. The last two years have really taught me so much about myself. I, like so many others, am a complex being with complex emotions. Simplicity is difficult to obtain when you bring that stuff into the picture. However, when you get down to it, being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple. Ultimately, I want to be a person that I love and understand. Back to what I've said from the beginning, I want to love myself. I'm working on the understanding part... I will forever be the student in my own life, learning from my surroundings.
"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul. And you can do this, if you try. All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied."
It's not about the money. Sure, you need money to pay for shit, but in the end, if that's all you are chasing, then life will be quite empty and miserable. You can't worry about what others have and what it is about their life that you want. Again, you could be missing out on some really great things right in front of you. Money cannot buy those simple qualities I mentioned in the paragraph above. That stuff is free. It's within you.
When I am gone from this world, I hope that I have written a billion times over that I was happy. I try very hard to acknowledge what I'm grateful for. I even have a journal specifically for that. When my story is over, I am going to have a ton of evidence remaining of my journey... the good, the bad, the ugly... stuff that should come with a parental advisory label... that will all be there for my loved ones to see. I realize that, and trust me, I've considered burning it on occasion, haha, but it's me. It's who I am and how I came to where I am. If I go read things that I wrote in the past, the overall negative tone is so heavy. I was so miserable. And for what? Who did it hurt? Me. No one else. I hurt myself, so I have no one to blame for that negativity but myself. I allowed various circumstances to consume me in a negative way. Ultimately, no one can make you feel anything. Situations may hurt and be painful, but that's because it's what you allow yourself to feel in that moment. No one else did that to you. Having a better understanding of this had made me better equipped for the ugly sides of life. It may be repetitive and I'm sorry, but I want to allow myself to feel all of the emotions, good and bad. But that's my choice. It's how I want to enhance who I really am. In the end, I want to say that I was perfectly satisfied with how I lived my life.
"Don't you worry, you'll find yourself. Follow your heart and nothing else."
This whole blog has been about uncovering myself and allowing myself to be exposed to the world. I'm finding me and I like what I'm discovering. It's empowering. There are still battles that go on between my head and my heart, but in the end, my heart will win out. I will follow her. If she leads me on a further path of self-discovery and that path takes me to different continents or countries, so be it. If that path ends up in a dead-end, I'm not going to be angry with my heart, because in that moment, she led me where she believed I would learn and benefit from the most. That might sound really corny and cliché, but again, this isn't for you. It's for me. And it makes sense to me.
I've also said how much of a worrier I am in previous entries. That is not an easy habit to kick. I remind myself regularly that worrying will not change the outcome, but there are times where it still creeps in and consumes me. Sometimes, though, I don't know if it's as much worry as it is anxiety or just plain nerves. I will probably always worry about some things, but I am working to avoid allowing it to consume me. Things that are outside of my control are not worthy of worry. What's meant to be will find a way, right? That's what "they" say. I'm working on accepting that.
"Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand."
Being kind is simple. Loving others is simple. Respecting others is simple. Appreciating others, in any shape or form with whatever beliefs they hold true to, is simple. Being honest is simple. Loyalty is simple when you know who or what it is you are loyal to. Showing passion for what you believe in is simple... Sound familiar? It's worth repeating.
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. My journey hasn't been easy, but it damn sure will be worthwhile when the final chapter is written and the credits are rolling.
Again, thank you for riding this wave with me. I appreciate the love I've received through this writing project. It's been overwhelming, but in such a good way! I'm off to Arrowhead for the final preseason game!!
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