The song is called Beautiful Pain, obviously, haha! You should give it a listen. There was never an official video for it, so it's just a lyrical video. Parental Advisory: Explicit Content... But if I'm being honest, it's actually quite mild compared to some of his songs (I really think there are only one or two naughty words & you get more than that in my blog... So give it a try!) Live on the edge! Come experience MY WORLD. Click that link below.
I'm just going to say that I would love to put ALL of the lyrics on here so I can ensure that you read them or hear them, but I narrowed it down to two sets that are among my favorite parts and help support this part of my story. Let's get to it...
"You're so familiarized with what having to swallow this pill is like. It happens all the time. They take your heart and steal your life and it's as though you feel you've died 'cause you've been killed inside. But yet you're still alive, which means you will survive."
As I have said, everyone has a story. And no one truly knows what is going on inside others unless they explicitly tell you & even then, you only know the tip of the iceberg. The same goes for me. You don't know my story completely. You are developing an improved understanding as I publish these words, but you will never truly know what is going on inside my heart and mind.
Part of my story, like the stories of many, includes some painful personal experiences. Again, I'm not diving into my youth when I write these posts. I may use references to my youth as part of my growth, but these posts are focusing on 2017. My experiences do not make me better or worse than anyone else. My experiences do not make me more damaged or more put together than anyone else. I'm not trying to get into any type of pissing contest as to the weight of experiences, positive or negative. (Just felt like I should put that disclaimer out there! HaHa!)
The "they" referred to in the set of lyrics above is not specifically geared to any person, place or thing. It's a combination of many of those things in my life (school, personal, professional) that have added to my 2017 quest for happiness. There were multiple circumstances that happened in 2017 that challenged me as a person. When I say that I was challenged, I had opportunities to go to a petty level and take the lower road to become "victorious" during some of these interactions. (Who REALLY wins?) The past version of me would have done that. I would have thrown others under the bus. I would have screamed and yelled (perhaps not literally) until I felt like what I wanted said was heard. I would have manipulated to get what I wanted. Moreover, I would have let anger develop inside me until it became too much to manage. Friends University and their amazing encouragement to practice differentiation helped pull out the skills that I already had within me to step outside of the situations and look at everything with a different lens. I was able to look at myself and what was going on within me that made me feel specific ways. I was also able to, in a sense, take myself out of some of these situations as if I were floating on a cloud watching them. That gave me a unique perspective.
Was I perfect? Hell. No. There are always ways to improve situations and there are definitely things that I could have done to improve some of these experiences. Part of this vulnerability venture that I am taking you on is holding myself accountable for what I contribute to these experiences. And, as I said in a previous entry, I want to LEARN from these experiences and make improvements within myself (because that is the ONLY thing I can control) to avoid responding negatively in the future. Will I always know what to say or do? Absolutely not. But I am keeping my mind open and am willing to learn from my own mistakes and the mistakes of others.
My favorite part of that lyric is "you're still alive, which means you will survive." Those experiences of mine did not kill me. I am not defeated. I am still alive to tell the tale, literally and metaphorically. I felt as if I was knocked down and kicked repeatedly on a few occasions, but I was able to take the punches and pick myself up. I will survive. And when the next round of storms arrive, which they inevitably will, I will be more prepared. That does not mean I will win, but I will fight. I may lose some battles, but the war... The war is mine for the taking.
"I feel the burn, watch the smoke as I turn, rising... A phoenix from the flames. I have learned from fighting fights that weren't mine, not with fists, but with wings, that I will fly."
That portion of the lyrics is pretty self-explanatory. I, like many others, have surivived my own personal version of a firestorm. But the version of me that I am becoming feels like I am rising up, out of the flames, like a phoenix. I will become something beautiful and powerful as my journey continues until the end.
Too often I found myself trying to fight the battles of others. Often, I fought harder than the ones that were actually involved in the battles. It's like my work with clients... I cannot do more work than them. They, ultimately, have to be willing to fight their own battles within themselves or in the outside world if they want to come out victorious. In my personal, professional, and academic life, I have to be less involved in the happenings of others and stay focused on myself and my own battles. I don't need the situations of others to add to the weight on my shoulders. I already put enough of that on myself. I can't, and won't, carry that of others any longer.
I am still supportive of those who come to me and need me. I will always be that person. I will be there to support them as they make their own decisions. I can provide insight and options, but I will not fight their fight. I will pick them up if they fall and I will be their biggest cheerleader. I will support them in their weakness and in their strength, as I hope they will do for me. But it is just as much up to them to fight their own battles as it is for me to fight mine.
So with wings, I fly...
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