Photo credit to my dear friend, Sarah... Caught between bouts of laughter, haha! Staged anger is really hard to accomplish!
I write that to acknowledge that this process of becoming a brand new me has not been easy. There are days I want to cry. There are days I want to scream. There are days I want to punch walls or throw things across the room. There are also days that I want to just BREAK STUFF! It's an uncensored live version of the song, so be aware... But that is also what makes it such an incredible song to me when I am experiencing anger & I just want to scream!
I have had some reasons to be angry this year, but I have also had the opportunity to learn about the fundamentals of anger itself. Anger is not a primary emotion. It's secondary to something else. I teach this to my clients on a regular basis. Anger is such an easy and impulsive response to a negative stimulus, but it doesn't need to be. It's important to really stop and think before you respond out of anger. In the moment, that's so damn difficult to do, but it's important if you intend to grow & learn.
Let me use some of my personal examples this year to support that brief paragraph... When my grandfather passed away, I believed what I was feeling was anger. I was angry at how he passed. I was angry that he didn't have his phone with him. I was angry that the agent took too long to get there. I was angry that I had to help plan a funeral for a man that I loved beyond measure. Now, take a step back with me... Was it anger I was feeling? Or was it grief/sadness? Everyone processes grief differently and there is no right way to do it. Anger disguises itself in many forms. This time, it chose to manifest as sadness and trauma. It disguised itself as helplessness and pain. It disguised itself as fear and uncertainty. Those emotions are at the core of what I was really feeling.
Another example from this year has been this journey I'm on at school. I could be extremely angry that I am so far behind all of my classmates in the clinical portion of our graduate school program. The majority of them are done... I have at least 2 or 3 months to go. And that really sucks! The realization that I would certainly be an extender came early in the second year portion of our class, so I've had time to come to terms with where I'm at in my journey. However, in the beginning... I would have quickly said that I was ANGRY AS HELL!! But was I really? No. I was frustrated that my journey wasn't aligning with my peers. I was envious that they were progressing so quickly and I was at a standstill. I felt incredibly helpless and grumpy about my circumstances.
They ask the departing cohort to pass on "wisdom" to the following cohort on our final night of class. I chose to educate the cohort behind us about this transformative journey. I turned my destructive and angry feelings into a constructive experience for others. I briefly touched on my story and encouraged them to enjoy their journey; the good, the bad, and the ugly. But I also encouraged them to celebrate the successes of their peers. Be happy for them and supportive of their journeys. In the end, that switch from negative to positive is such a powerful change and releases a LOT of unwanted or unneeded stress.
That said, I still have my days where I am frustrated. Or perhaps maybe a little grumpy about various circumstances. There are times that I feel attacked by others and I want to respond in "anger," but what is that going to do? Will it solve the problem? There are moments I feel rejected and, in turn, embarrassed by decisions I make. When these feelings add up to make me feel 'angry,' I turn to music to help smooth me. Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff is one of my absolute favorite go-to songs. It allows me to scream and cuss and yell and, that alone, is cathartic.
I use this in therapy with my clients to help them have a visualization of what I mean. I realize this entry is becoming more of an educational tool, but it is important to understand how our emotions come into play and what could be just under the surface. You can apply this to any age, too. Think of a child who seems angry at the world... Have you stopped to think that maybe they are worried about whether Mom & Dad will be fighting tonight? Or maybe they felt rejected or attacked by peers at school. Just take a second to ponder this before making hasty judgements. If it's your child that seems angry, take a second to see if they are stressed about something or just exhausted from a long day before you turn into your own ball of 'anger.' There is always more to the story.
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