Haven't Met You Yet

                                       

https://youtu.be/1AJmKkU5POA

Who knew I'd use a Micheal Buble song?! I didn't! But this seems appropriate to follow up the last post. It makes sense!

The video is entertaining, I suppose, but again... The lyrics are what draw me in. Obviously, I have not met my forever yet, but I have to believe that he's out there. S-O-M-E-W-H-E-R-E. 

"Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life."

So... As my vulnerability venture continues, I am going to admit something that I have only told my closest friends (and haven't even gotten to all of the yet). So here goes...

You know, I do not expect to find my forever in small town, USA. Especially in this small town, USA. I have always hated how everyone knows your business before you even know it. I'm sure there are some great potential treasures hidden in this town somewhere, but I won't find them within the walls of my home, so that limits my options. I contribute to that and I understand that. I also understand that, at my age, I will probably not find a person that does not come with "baggage." I say that in quotes because I don't think it's a bad term at all. It's just part of their story. My options will have to be open to men who have been divorced or have children already. That's fine. I realize that, with age, that possibility increases.

Anyway! I say that because when I meet with friends or others and "complain" about my loneliness or express my desire to have a partner and be in love, something that I ALWAYS hear is, "Have you tried online dating?" Always. It never fails! So, that gives you an idea of the direction this post is heading, haha!

Let me put in a little note right here that says I KNOW it works! I was in two weddings in 2016. BOTH of them met via online dating... So it works. It is just a matter of allowing my brain to accept the "unconventional" method of connecting. But, it is also a very real part of our world today, so it is a credible option.

I tried it many years ago and clearly, it was not successful, but I also did not put any extra effort into it. I thought it was so silly. Anyone can be anyone they want on the Internet, right? I have seen EVERY episode of Catfish. I can count on one hand how many times people were who they said they were, so my guard was higher than normal giving this online dating a chance. I didn't believe in it, so my first effort was a failure. It was a failure before I started. 

First and foremost, I would like to clarify that when I say "online dating," I do NOT mean Tinder or Plenty of Fish... Those sites that exist solely to hook up and move on. I have friends who use those sites, but I will never be comfortable doing that, so I want to be very clear that I am not "brave" enough to try those sites. I would like something with a little more reputable of a reputation. I am not knocking those that use those sites!! I appreciate that everyone goes for what they want in whatever way they need to, but it is, most definitely, not for me. 

So, in the middle of July, I decided to sign up for online dating on a whim. I want to be able to say, "yes" when people ask if I have tried, so I decided to go big or go home (I think you'll see that as a common theme in my life). I didn't just choose a random one. I knew I wanted a site that I had to pay for simply because that eliminates a lot of those that are not serious (not entirely, of course). But I also looked into sites that are internationally reputable considering I am looking at moving outside of the United States. Finally, I chose eHarmony because they do a personality inventory before you sign up, so there is a tiny bit of science behind the "matching." So here we are... I'm "online dating."

I feel incredibly silly! You start "conversations" on there by "smiling" at someone and then they can "smile" back or send you pre-generated questions to establish some sort of idea of who the person is. I find myself cornered during some of the questions because the options are too limited. So I typically answer them in my own fashion (there's an option to put your own answer). Anyway, it's very silly to me and I have laughed out loud on more than one occasion.

I have had an individual from Sri Lanka tell me he "can't wait to kiss me" and suggest that we "get married" within a few days and we hadn't even discussed our favorite foods, life, etc. I laughed a lot. I politely declined his invitation, but THAT is the type of shit I expected to find by "online dating." 

Then there was a gentleman from Australia that was so insistent on talking on the phone, but we could barely hold an authentic conversation via text. I gave him plenty of indication that I would like to know more about him first. He was not receptive to hints, so I had to be very blunt (but in a nice way, I promise), about how I felt. Haven't heard from him in a couple days, so I think that worked. He was super nice! I just listen to the inner voice often and it was giving me the indication that something was not right. 

I've had multiple interactions that will not provide anything fruitful, but I learn from them. I learn from them about myself and that's what I am going to take from this effort. I am not just going to let my account sit idly without putting in a genuine effort. I refuse to not take advantage of the opportunity, so I'm going in with an open mind and heart and we will see.

Before I close on this post, I want to acknowledge one interaction that has definitely impacted me in a positive way. He may not be my forever, but I do believe he will be someone special. He's validated who he is with voice and video calls, so I know I'm talking to the person in the pictures. That is comforting. Wherever it goes, if anywhere, he has taught me to try to trust. This guy has made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish that I could explain it in a way that makes sense. We began chatting over our shared interest in traveling and that has grown into deeper conversations. When he calls me guapa (Spanish for pretty) and compliments my personality, I believe him. That's not something I would normally do. Even in an interaction with a person who is standing in front of me, I would not typically believe him. It's not in my nature. But... Something about this guy (and my transformation into a brand new me doesn't hurt) makes me feel special. I told my friends that I felt electricity run through my body when we began to chat, but then when we had the opportunity to actually speak... Holy shit, the electricity was crazy! I assume that's just the excitement of it all, but it was a cool feeling. It's nothing I have ever experienced in this lifetime. BUT, at the same time, I realize that this is an online dating experience. He could be chatting with others, as I am. What is strange to me, is that I'm not worried about that. You have to give every opportunity a chance to know that it won't work (or will!), so I respect that is something that we both have to do. I am not going to release details about him on here for his protection. He is wonderful. Regardless of whatever happens, I do believe I have found a friend for life and that, to me, is completely worth it.

Finally, to explain the picture that begins this post... It's a picture I sent to my "friend" online. He always asks for pictures and I have such a big thing about taking pictures of myself in that I HATE doing it. I don't let people tag me in pictures on Facebook because I LOATHE the way that I look. Like, it depresses me. But, that's for another entry. Anyway, I have begun to take more pictures of myself lately and am open to them being flawed... Because I am so incredibly flawed. If I want to be authentic to who I am at this point in my journey, it is important to accept myself, flaws and all. The top picture, while I changed it to black and white, is unfiltered and makeup free. It was after a swim at my parents house, so the wet hair and freckled nose is in full effect. When I sent that to my "friend" and he responded that I was beautiful, it made me feel good. Even if he is not my lifetime person, he has given me something that I have struggled to give myself... Confidence and acceptance of compliments. So I'm taking more pictures of MYSELF. I want to embrace me and feel good about it. My "friend" started that confidence building. I will forever be grateful to him for that. So, it's only been a few weeks online, but it's been worth it... Just for that. I'm building my confidence and accepting compliments without argument. It's a strange, but wonderful feeling!

                                  

No makeup on a walk on my land last week... I'm really trying to embrace who I am as a person... Unfiltered and raw. Seems appropriate with this project...