I'm going to approach this entry just a little bit differently. I'm not going to post a video link on this one because I am going to use ALL of the lyrics throughout my entry. I want to break them down and apply them to my personal journey. I hope that's okay with you all. (If any of you are still reading!)
It's a song from Moana, if you're not aware. It's a brief song, so you can certainly look it up if you'd like and it wouldn't take much time out of your day. I sort of expected to use a Disney song in here somewhere, but was a little surprised by the one that I've chosen. It's more modern. That's certainly not a bad thing, I just have my love for some of the classics, ya' know?
I'll start by letting you read that and allowing it to sink in. I had to read it a couple times to really let myself feel it and it's sooooo perfect for this entry. So here we go... (PS: I challenge any of you that KNOW this song NOT to sing it as you read the lyrics... I do it every damn time!)
"I've been staring at the edge of the water, long as I can remember, never really knowing why."
In these beginning lyrics, the way that it relates to me is that I have always had a really strong desire to see what is out there in this great big world. I've never pictured myself living here, in this small town, for life. I actually experienced depression when I moved back. I've always, always wanted to know more about what the world had to offer. So, in a sense, I have always been staring into the distance with a healthy curiousity about what was beyond the horizon.
"I wish I could be the perfect daughter, but I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try."
It's the Midwest mentality that you are supposed to go to school, get married, have babies, and that's your story. So here I am, at 34... Single and childless with a Masters degree to boot. My grandpa, actually, was always one of them that would ask, "When are you going to marry yourself a country boy and settle down?" HaHa! Oh, if he only knew... I feel like I've always had this pressure to conform to the standards set by this part of the country. While comments like Grandpa's have been made by many, it's not those people that make me feel the pressure. It's a pressure, or expectation, I put upon myself. Somedays, I certainly think it'd be a lot easier to settle down and just do what I'm 'supposed' to do. It would save a lot of questions and comments about "when are you bringing someone special home for Christmas" and all of that jazz and it would certainly make going to family gatherings easier. But when have any of you known me as the type to do what I am "supposed to do?" It's not really my style. I continue to feel the pull in other directions, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I could make others happy if I just conformed. But here we are to my point: It's not about making others happy... Now, I'm making MY happiness a priority.
"Every turn I take, every trail I track, every path I make, every road leads back to the place I know where I cannot go... Where I long to be."
I have tried many options to find a happiness here where I am. I've worked jobs that I loved and I've worked jobs that I hated. Each one offered opportunities to learn and grow, but nothing was filling my heart completely. I attended grad school to further my education and got linked up with a placement site that is, by far, the best thing that has happened to me in this state (professionally speaking) and I realize that never would have happened if I wasn't part of the school and my cohort. It also wouldn't have happened if I hadn't met my current supervisor (who is AMAZING!). All of those things are connected. I love what I do right now. I love my job, but I absolutely LOVE my work environment and coworkers there. It's the best environment I've been in. Even though I have that love for those people and that company, there's still a piece pulling me elsewhere... Pulling me to experience more that this world has to offer. I've been very up front with my supervisors throughout the process about this desire and they have ALL supported me without question... Which makes them even more amazing. They understand and appreciate (and best of all, encourage) my desire to grow.
"See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me. And no one knows how far it goes. If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me, one day I'll know. If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go."
To me, this is essentially saying that I am constantly being called beyond the horizon. Obviously, we have no ocean or sea in our landlocked state, but the metaphor is very real. I don't know how far that horizon goes. I may get to a point (Spain) where I believe I've found it and am steady and then look up and realize that I'm still being pulled further. I have no idea. While I love that, it terrifies me as a person who considers organization and planning among her stronger features. That said, I do believe that one day I will know what lies beyond the horizon for me and once I'm there... The options are limitless! I can't wait!
"I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this island. Everything is by design."
I am a people watcher. I observe interactions everywhere I go. Especially after my graduate program, I am so much more interested in the dynamics of relationships that I get to see unfold just at the grocery store. I see some in pain. I see some who are lonely. I see some who are stressed. I also see families that are laughing and joking and seem to be very happy. When I see these things, I begin to wonder about their story on an internal level. Are they happy? Why is that person sad? I wonder how that man became homeless, what's his story? My mind races!
But overall, I can sit back and observe the hustle and bustle of this world and there are times I can visualize it as they show it in the movies... I am sitting completely still while the world flies by me at a warp speed never stopping to notice each other or myself. The world functions and moves as it should in a very routine manner and, generally speaking, most people seem content with their lives, at least on the outside.
"I know everybody on this island has a role on this island, so maybe I can roll with mine. I can lead with pride, I can make us strong. I'll be satisfied if I play along. But the voice inside sings a different song. What is wrong with me?"
This, to me, is a continuation of the above thought. Everyone seems to play a role in this face-paced world. How come I can't just accept my role here and roll with it? I know that I could do great things here and be a successful person and that would probably result in satisfaction. So why can't I just suck it up and play along? Just conform, already!
"The voice inside sings a different song" is exactly true. I absolutely could find a role here and accept it and do an excellent job at it. I know that I could. But what I'm being told inside my soul (please read that picture above again), is that this is not where my journey is supposed to be at this moment in time. I'm not saying this isn't where I will end up someday, but I truly believe my personal legend is going to take me to places where I can become the person that I am destined to be. I don't know where that place or those places are at the moment, but I believe that I will figure it out.
"See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding. But no one knows how deep it goes. And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me. And let me know what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?"
I don't want to be too repetitive here because this is similar to a lot of what has already been said. I'll just add that I know that I will cross that line someday and discover so much about this world and about myself. I will figure out how deep within myself I am capable of going. And I cannot wait for the opportunity!
"See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me. And no ones knows how far it goes. If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me, one day I'll know... How far I'll go!"
Here we are at the end... Again, it's pretty similar to the other two parts of the chorus, but I'll finish by saying my options, at this point, are limitless. I believe that in the very core of my being. I will always maintain my roots, the values that have been instilled in me, but I can use these wings and the wind to discover just exactly how far I'll go.
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