Fighter

"'Cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter... So thanks for making me a fighter!"

https://youtu.be/PstrAfoMKlc If you'd like to watch Christina's video, there is the link.

This one is for the haters. In 2017, I decided that I was going to release the power I allowed the haters to have over me. I decided that I no longer needed the toxicity in my life, so I am actively working to cut it out entirely. Unfortunately, with this realization, you begin to discover that some of these "haters" are people you believed to be part of your tribe and on "Team Ashley." It's amazing what you can discover when you are at your lowest point and who is there to help water your roots and support you in growing again. It can also be extremely depressing when you look up and expect to see some people by your side and somehow they are missing in action.

For a few years, I've really allowed myself to sit with the negativity and feed into what it contributed to my life. I would not back down from an altercation if I believed I was right. I would also just choose to shut people out and say "F*@k it! I don't need them anyway!" Perhaps I should say that I've done this all of my life. I often put on an exterior that resembled that of a tough, I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. But inside, words hurt. I gave a lot of power to those people that were hateful and disrespectful to me. 

                       

I have always found this to be very powerful. And if you just think about it a little bit, it makes so much sense. I used to be a person that did not care about what I said or how I said it or what I may have missed. I was so selfishly focused on getting whatever it was that I wanted or felt I deserved, that I didn't stop to think about the potential consequences of my choices. Time is obviously something you cannot get back. So if you don't take the opportunity to apologize when it is there, then you may not get the chance again. Or, like in Grandpa's case, I cannot get anymore time with him now. How I wish I could've had just one more hug or spent more time with him. That's gone. But in the future, I can take advantage of my opportunities in the moment. And I fully intend to!

That has, most definitely, changed. And to a LARGE degree. I preach to my clients that you need to stop and think before you respond. T.H.I.N.K. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? And as I've said before, I like to practice what I preach. This is no different.

I'm not perfect (surprise, surprise!). I've made some negative choices in my life that have contributed to some negative consequences and making others feel badly. I am not proud of that, but it's part of my history and I have to accept that responsibility. I have also taken the opportunity in 2017 to confront some of my biggest vulnerabilities (that were buried deep inside from childhood). It was not easy, but it was SO worth it.

In school, they call it entitlement. Entitlement can either be constructive or destructive. I spent the majority of my life in the destructive entitlement category. I blamed the world for the loss of my mother. I blamed the world for the loss of my grandmother. I was an "angry" kid (refer to "Break Stuff" to understand the quotes if you haven't read it). I felt like the world owed me for what it did to me. So I behaved accordingly. This happened well into adulthood, probably up until I learned how to actually label it, if I'm being honest.

 

I've turned that shit around. I am now solidly set in the constructive entitlement category. I am using my loss, my pain, my lessons, my trauma... And I'm using it for GOOD. Take this blog for example... I'm educating others about these new terms and lessons I've learned, but most of all, I'm practicing it on a daily basis. I no longer feel like I am owed anything from anyone. I want what I experienced, in any way, to become a lesson to others, as well as myself, if that makes any sense. (It does in my head) I would like to acknowledge that there are things that I feel are expected at times, like loyalty and honesty, etc. Some of those things, I still expect from those that I choose to surround myself with. But it's something I no longer feel that I am owed. It is a choice. You cannot force someone to be loyal to you or honest with you. You can't force someone to love you or respect you. Those things have to be a choice made by whoever is in the situation. If it is not their choice, then it's not real. It's not an authentic quality they possess. In 2017, I have learned that I cannot force people to be on my team. It's a choice they have to make on their own so that it is a genuine relationship. On the flip side of that coin, I also have a choice. I do not have to surround myself with people who do not support me. I can choose to put myself over others if that's what I want. And if that is my decision, then it is as real as it gets. It's my choice.

I am aware of people that have attempted to squash my growth and these changes. I'm aware of people who did not believe that I would take it this far. I'm aware of people who did not or do not believe in me still. And for those people, I am thankful. Because of those people, I am able to realize the amount of strength I have within me to be a much bigger person. Not better, mind you, but bigger. I don't need to allow the negativity to suck me back into a cycle of destruction. And I will not. I promise you that. 

"After all you put me through, you'd think I'd despise you. But in the end, I want to thank you 'cause you made me that much stronger."