"Go big or go home," I often say... So... I'm going BIG!
The video is a lyrics only video, but it's a song I have connected to since I discovered who Selena was when I was much younger. Listen to the lyrics.
This entry is about love. I just want you to know that I am terrified as I type these words and hitting "publish" after this entry is going to be difficult for me. But I promise that I will do it.
What I want most out of this life is to love and be loved in a way that surpasses some of the greater love stories in our history. Now, I'm not so jaded that I think there is a Prince Charming and a happily ever after without hitting some speed bumps and running over frogs along the way. And I realize that love can be difficult and messy. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to experience it. I want to know what love is (I did consider that song, too, haha). I want to know how love feels... On ALL levels.
It's been a long time since I was in a relationship that I would consider a real relationship. Ages, to be exact! I'm not sure I'd even know that to do if I got into one! But I want the opportunity to know and try. In fact, the last time I was in a relationship that mattered, I would say that cell phones were primarily flip phones... If that doesn't date me, then I don't know what will!
I will be the first to admit (and any friend who REALLY knows me will validate this), I am the FIRST to make fun of that lovey-dovey mushy hearts and flowers crap you see on movies and if I see it in real life... even worse! Valentine's Day makes me want to throw up in my mouth. The following picture is how I view Valentine's Day... This was my Valentine pic this year when everyone else was posting pictures of their flowers, chocolates, and jewelry. Gross. (That's a bottle of wine, by the way...)
Anyway, I'm getting off topic, haha! The point is... I was/am the girl that makes fun of that gushy crap. I'm totally happy for all of my friends who are happily committed and are building families of their own. It's awesome to see them grow... Herein lies my problem...
My friends are growing. I am staying the same. I celebrate their successes with them, but deep inside, I yearn to be the one celebrated. I WANT TO BE IN LOVE! I'm 34 years old, so I often fear that my time for finding "true love" (if that exists) has passed and I am destined for a lonely path (I promise I'll make the most of that trip, though!). What if my "forever" has passed me by? What if I ignored him and he gave up on me? What if I didn't look up from my book to see that he was trying to get my attention? What if he was sitting near me in a coffee shop in Europe and I didn't pay attention? SO MANY WHAT IFS! Now, I understand that allowing myself to dwell on the "what if" scenarios will only lead me down a rabbit hole with no way out, so I'm not going to dwell. But I think about it. The thoughts cross my mind and I don't know how to move past them at times.
I have goals that require me leaving this country and experiencing life outside of the United States. How amazing would it be if I found a partner to make those trips with me? Ok, let's focus... Haha
"Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you. And I wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking of me, too."
These are the very first lines of the song and immediately reflect how I actually feel... How I've felt most of my life. I do make wishes on every falling star. I know they say if you tell people your wishes that they don't come true, but I'm telling the world... I'm going to try to buck the system and see if something else works because I've been making the SAME wish for more than half of my life and it hasn't worked yet, so why not try something different? My wish, every single time, is: "I wish that I could find and experience true love." I've added words throughout the years in hopes that I can maybe adjust my alliance with the stars... "I wish I could find my true love soon" or "I wish my true love would make himself known this year." That shit clearly hasn't worked, so I'm trying this avenue! It can't be any worse, so why the hell not? Back to they lyrics... I do daydream, night dream, and wish on starts hoping that he is out there somewhere. And I hope, with all of my heart and soul, that he is somewhere in this world thinking about me, too.
"I just want to hold you close, but so far, all I have are dreams of you. So I wait for the day and the courage to say how much I love you."
I cannot wait to come home to a partner that I can fall asleep and wake up with. I can't wait to find someone to share my joys, pains, fears, and vulnerabilities with. Regardless of what happens in my life in any other areas, love is what I want to experience. I'm incredibly envious of those that have it. It's not envy to a point of jealousy, if that makes sense. It's just a powerful desire to have what others have while celebrating their stories and their love.
I will not, however, settle. I know what I want. While I am absolutely willing to be flexible and make changes as is required to be a part of relationship, as long as my partner is willing to do the same. I'm not just going to accept someone that I don't feel a connection with. I think I'm fairly decent at reading people quickly now that I've had some intense training through graduate school. I don't know if that's good or bad... Now I see relationships from a different perspective. It's a perspective I appreciate, though, and supports my lack of willingness to settle.
I'm going to end this post with some qualities I look for in an individual... I have more to write about my history of dating and where I'm at now, but I want to do that in a completely separate entry. It's going to be entertaining and it will add to the vulnerability piece of this journey. You'll just have to wait for that one, though.
Physically speaking, I would love to meet a guy that is taller than me. Beautiful eyes and a contagious smile are among the first physical traits I notice. Well done tattoos don't hurt either. HaHa! I'd be lying if I said that the rest of the physical features don't matter and so would everyone else if they didn't acknowledge that those features are important, especially in the beginning. They are not (or should not be) the MOST important part because, let's be real, physical features can change. How hypocritical would I be if I judged a potential partner based on their weight or other feature? I am a plus size person, working on creating a newer version of myself (weight included), and I do not want to be judged based on that alone. So it is my goal to look beyond those initial first impressions if they aren't David Beckham or Channing Tatum (because duh... No one else is David Beckham or Channing Tatum) and see what is inside. That's what I want, so that's what I have to be willing to do.
As far as the features that aren't visible go, I look for honesty, loyalty, and a strong sense of humor. I am a sarcastic person and it is important for the person I end up with to be capable of carrying on a sarcastic conversation, but know when it's time to be serious at the same time. Honesty and loyalty are pretty generic qualities when looking for a partner, but they rank very highly to me. I do not like liars and I try my very best to practice what I preach. I try to be honest and transparent in all areas of my life. And loyalty... I will be the first person there when my friends need me (and sometimes when they say they don't). I will hold you down. BUT... I expect it in return. And if I get burned, the bridge is not mended so easily. It takes time... Sometimes a signficant amount of time. There are more features I look for, of course, but I don't want to keep rambling.
Thank you for allowing me the space to be vulnerable and share something that I don't tell anyone except my most trusted friends... Now the world knows... Should they choose to read. I WANT TO BE IN LOVE!!!
Here is my new wish... "Please, universe, don't let me end up with this one alone..."
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