This entry is going to focus on the changes I have made within myself to lose weight. It's going to be another vulnerable entry because I have spent a lot of years hiding when the camera comes out. I figured out creative ways to 'hide' the ugly whenever that camera did come out. But let's be real, you can try to disguise it, but it's there. It may not be the first thing OTHER people notice, but it is the absolute FIRST thing that I notice. I don't like it when people tag me in pictures on Facebook without my approval. I have actually reached out to people asking them to delete them because I don't like what I see and I don't want others to see it.
My insecurities have always revolved around my weight. I have never been a 'skinny' girl and doubt that I ever will be. Right now, I'm striving for healthy and happy, whatever that looks like. When I say that my insecurities have always revolved around weight, I'd just like to elaborate further. I hated (and I mean it when I say that) myself. What I saw in the mirror was a hideous mess of a person that no other human could possibly desire. And that's what I told myself on a daily basis (and multiple times a day). The internal voice has so much damn power! It always wins (in the good and bad). Because I had this level of self-hatred and no one to really turn to, I had to discover coping skills. The first coping skill I discovered was eating. Food comforted me. And not the good stuff, of course. The chips, the candy bars, the cookies, etc. THOSE are what comforted me in my time of self-loathing. But then, once I would eat that "comfort food," the negative self-talk grew louder. So then what did I do? I ate. Do you see how this cycle is playing out? Up until December 31, 2016, this remained true for me. The negative self-talk, the unhealthy food as coping skills, and the constant self-loathing were all very much my "friends." I've had moments in my history where I was able to gain some control of the voices and make enough changes to lose some weight and be healthier, but it was always for someone or something else. I joined a work group in Hays that wanted to lose weight. Well, if I'm going to be in a challenge, I'm going to give it my all. And I did. But I did it because I didn't want to let the team down and I wanted to win! That's just one example. My weight has gone up & down on occasion, but mostly up. And on New Year's Eve of 2016, I decided I was going to take control of the voices and of myself and make changes that were for me and me alone. To be honest, that's why I've been so successful, because it's for me this time.
Here goes nothing:
This picture was taken at the wedding of one of my best friends in May of 2016.
I took this picture on 8/10/17 because I wanted to see the difference. Can you? I was able to slip the dress on over my head without unzipping the zipper and, as you can see, it is clearly falling off of me.
I am a visual person. When it comes to learning and understanding and especially... Believing. This is no different. When the pounds started coming off, I saw the numbers on the scale go down, but I couldn't see any changes on my body. I know, I know... I see myself every day, so it's going to be difficult to notice changes, but I have to believe they are there or I won't keep going. While I didn't SEE many changes, I did notice small things like my watch fitting much more loosely, so I knew something was happening. Those little things helped keep me going.
This was taken in Spain in late March of this year.
This was taken on Tuesday (8/8/10) and is completely unfiltered.
The difference in my face is amazing to me! It's finally becoming a visual reality for me and that continues to motivate me to want to do MORE and get even better results. This is just the beginning!!
So... What am I doing? I get people asking me this question often. It's so strange that they want to know what I am doing to look and feel better. I get to be the one to offer advice and be a success story. Such a cool turn of events!
I'm doing a LOT of things. The first thing that makes this journey successful is that I am doing it for myself and no one else. Another major contributing factor to my success is that I am not just looking for a physical change. I want the emotional piece to align with the physical piece and I think that's an important thing that everyone should consider if they are wanting to make changes. The different areas of your life should be aligned and that will help the transition to health be more sustainable for the long term.
"If hard work pays off, then easy work is worthless." -Nelly
I've written about the self-talk on occasion (and up above) and I cannot stress how important that is. Instead of telling myself how terrible I look or criticizing this or that about me, I reframe things like crazy! I try to tell myself good things, even if small, every day. I am also trying to take more pictures of myself to allow myself to be captured in whatever glory. I still get nervous, of course, and when others post pictures of me, I typically don't allow tags. Rome wasn't built in a day, right? My confidence is no different. It will be a daily battle. Perhaps for the rest of my life.
Ok, so I started out the year at the heaviest I've ever weighed. I imagine the number was higher at one point, but I refused to get on the scale and see because it was so incredibly depressing. I wrote that number on a sticky note and I put it on my bedroom mirror so that I could see it every day. It's still there, too. Honestly, the physical part of my journey only began by watching what I put into my body. I quit soda years ago, so that wasn't an issue. But our Thursday night classes had me pulling into Starbucks at least once a day for a venti frappuccino. Holy sugar overload! But they were so amazing! My goal going into 2017 was to limit my Starbucks intake. Well... Let me tell you... I have not had Starbucks in the entire calendar year of 2017 yet. And I sincerely doubt that I do. Feels great! (Although, when they brought back that S'mores frappe... I was very seriously challenged... But I won!) So I cut out Starbucks. Then, I began to pack my own lunches for my days in Wichita for work or school. Instead of going to fast food places and eating fried messiness, I had healthier options. Not only did this help me lose weight, but it added money to my pockets! I saved so much!! Like I said, I don't drink soda and I cut out Starbucks. I love tea, but I can't remember the last time I had it. I really only drink water now. And I try to get at least 4-5 bottles in a day. They say that's important? I don't know! But I like it! Haha! I also cut out candy completely. I've had some Valenciano candy that was a gift and I've had some dark chocolate treats on occasion, but always in moderation now. I don't refuse to eat any particular thing (bread, pasta, etc.). I eat what I want, just not as much. And I make better choices each time I do. I also take the time to listen to my body. When it tells me I'm full, I listen. I don't continue to make myself miserable. That's been key in my success. I've also made it just a personal plan not to eat anything after 9:00 p.m. & I've really stuck to that for the most part. (Except in Spain... Because supper does not start until 10:00 or 10:30 p.m.) In addition to all of those things, I wake up each morning and I take my vitamins. I take my vitamins at night, too. I've developed a very routine practice with that, so it is now natural to me. I will say that, for 3 months, my doctor prescribed me phentermine. At that point, I had already lost 30 plus pounds, but I just wanted a little extra support for the final stretch of grad school. It's an appetite suppressant and also adds a little energy to your day. I've been off of that for almost a month now and have been able to maintain the success. Those are the dietary changes I've made. I think that covers it all, haha! Long paragraph, sorry!
On the other side of it is exercise. I will tell you, the first 40 pounds came off and I did absolutely NO exercising. None. That's when I discovered how critical of a role food plays in your weight. I mean, obviously I know that it causes one to gain weight if you eat too much of the bad stuff, but as far as losing weight without exercise... I had no idea that it could happen without doing both. It amazed me, to be honest. So, within the last month or two, I have made it a goal to exercise at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes. That doesn't sound like a lot, I know. But it is important to make your goals achievable so that you have a higher chance of success. I now go at least 45 minutes and am typically out 4-5 times a week, but I still only maintain the goal of 3 times a week for 30 minutes. I want to allow myself the space to have a week where I may not make all 5 times and it'll be okay. As I get more comfortable with my walking (that's all I really do), I have added some jogging at times (when I know the public cannot see me, haha). I have also added running stairs just recently. I added that to my goal, actually. I want to run 200 stairs twice a week. That just started this week and I did it three times this week! My legs were on fire after day one! Haha!
So that's what I do... That's how I have managed to be successful. And I feel like this one is going to stick and that excites me! I have so much more to achieve, but I believe it is possible. I WILL do it. I'm going to mess up. I'll miss a workout. I'll eat at a fast food joint. I'll choose to indulge in dessert on occasion. And that's ok!! It's okay to enjoy life and all it has to offer! I will also choose not to beat myself up when I do make a mistake. I will use positive self-talk to continue making progress. FOR ME.
More pictures! More opportunity to embrace my inner and outer beauty! If you have any further questions about this journey I'm on as far as the weight loss (or anything) goes, please don't hesitate to ask! Clearly, I'm becoming an open book.
"Ain't no way they can stop me now 'cause I'm on my way, I can feel my ring coming. It's the blood of a champion pumping deep inside my veins, too much pride to be running. I'ma get what I can and more, even if my blood, my sweat, and my tears don't mean nothing. It's the heart of a champion. It's the heart of me." -Nelly
PS: Happy Birthday to my brother, Trent!
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